Clemens Reports to Astros Camp; Headline Writer Conveniently Omits First Name

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If it weren't for his wildly infamous father, Koby Clemens would just be another of the many unknown players reporting as a non-roster invite to spring training. Still, because his father is an extremely well-known jerk, Young Koby's arrival to Astros' training camp in Kissimmee gets a 1,000-word article in the Houston Chronicle. Can Koby overcome all this undue attention and perform well enough to earn the attention of the higher-ups in the Astros organization? Or will the pressure force him to pull a Dale Berra? Let's hear what Koby has to say about his Pop:

"I know we're not out of the doghouse yet," he said. "It's going to be a long process. But once we get through it, all will be back in order."

He's young but he knows his cliches. Good show. Forget his dad: how did Koby play last year?

Koby Clemens hit .252 with 15 home runs and 56 RBIs over 115 games at Lexington last season. After committing a team-high 29 errors at third last year, Koby learned that the organization wanted him to switch positions.

Jesus Christ, his defense at third base is more porous than Hanley Ramirez with concrete shoes and a mitt made out of Fruit Roll-ups. They're having him switch to catcher, which is totally a position that does not rely on good defense or throwing ability. Oh, and he struck out 112 times in 115 games. Sorry to pile on, Kobester. Any chance the Astros could cut bait if Koby doesn't progress past single-A ball?

(Roger) Clemens has a 10-year personal services contract with the Astros. That's seven years more than McLane guaranteed on the personal services contracts he gave franchise icons Jeff Bagwell and Craig Biggio and five more years than were guaranteed to Hall of Famer Nolan Ryan, who ended the contract last month after four years so he could rejoin the Texas Rangers.

Oops. That nepotism is a bitch. Right, Yogi?

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Little known rider in the personal services contract: All members of the Clemens family get their gooch waxed by Buddy Bell.

Dmitri Young wants to know where the fuck he can get a glove made out of Fruit Roll Ups

"Koby learned that the organization wanted him to switch positions."

It's about time a Clemens got publicly flipped around doggystyle.

That roll-up shit taste like Gumby dick. Also, 112 times in 115 games? Adam Dunn scoffs at these numbers.

I just spent four hours trying to find out the name of the fruit snacks shaped as baseball players I used to eat as a kid to use as a joke for this post. No one remembers them, I have no joke, I've done no work today, and it is KILLING me right now.

Fruity Yummy Dane Iorgs?

Tropical LaVallieres?

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