Cubs Pitcher Gets Ass Kicked, Cops Unfortunately Not Filming in Mesa

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I am obsessed with watching the long-running FOX reality show Cops. I am especially fond of pronouncing the word "cops" as if I lived in Natick, Mass: I say "cawps" with a Boston accent faker than Martin Sheen's in The Depaahhted.

Unfortunately, the good people who produce Cops were not on hand in Mesa, Arizona this weekend while Cubs' pitcher Jose Ascanio was getting his ass handed to him in a convenience store, or else we'd have some fantastic footage of the aftermath of this one:

"He got beat up pretty good last night," manager Lou Piniella said. "He got punched a few times by a guy that was looking for some money. He didn't get robbed. But the guy asked for money and evidently the young man said, 'I don't have any money,' and the guy punched him a few times."

Ascanio got knocked the fug out! In a Circle K! He ended up with nothing worse than a black eye. But it seems like Ascanio wasn't the only Cub to have an oopsie this weekend:

"The strangeness around an otherwise quiet Cubs camp began Friday, when center fielder Felix Pie missed a workout to have an unusual, but minor, medical procedure in his Australian region (think land down under)".

I don't get it. Felix fell tush-first onto a boomerang? He ate too much vegemite and got backed up? Did he get raped by a rabid wallaby? Stop playing coy, Chicago Sun Times beat writer Gordon Wittenmyer!

(I stole this news item from David Pinto's Baseball Musings blog.)

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Maybe Felix Pie got a pouch sewn onto his cock.

Pie Sherman, 42 Wallaby Rape, Sydney

He had his taint enlarged.

Hint: His Swedish Made Penis Enlarger Pump is now on Ebay.


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