Dale Murphy's Son Eats to Overcome Self-Loathing

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ceci n'est pas Shawn Murphy

Shawn Murphy (not pictured), son of Hall-of-Fame Hall-of-Very-Good member Dale Murphy, is a 320-pound defensive lineman out of Utah State, and he's currently showing off his skills at the NFL Combine. Dozens of middle-aged white men are busy watching Shawn prance about in his underwear, which is completely not homoerotic at all. Shawn used to play baseball in high school, but gave it up after his junior year to pursue football (and, presumably, Yodels, Ding Dongs, Ho-Hos, Ring Dings and Devil Dogs):

"I remember certain incidents if I struck out I'd hear it from the stands," said (Shawn). "They'd say, 'Oh, they struck out Dale Murphy's son,' but in football if I get beat they're not going to get down on me because being Dale Murphy's son has nothing to do with it, so there is less pressure."

Translation: Shawn tried his hardest at baseball and failed miserably, so he chose to bulk up on corn chips and deep fried Milky Ways and choose a simpler sport that doesn't require hand-eye coordination or an IQ over 60. It's okay, Shawn. We know hittin' baseballs is hard, y'all! But your dad struck out 1748 times in his 18 season career! Wouldn't it be an honor to say "Oh, Dale Murphy's son struck out! He's just like his paw!"

Maybe he did already weigh 320 pounds when he was playing baseball, but only if he was the comically overweight catcher in The Sandlot. That fat kid's hilarious, haw haw.

UPDATE 2/29: (This is merely my satirical spin on an otherwise un-newsworthy item. I don't know Shawn Murphy and I'm sure he is a fine upstanding gentleman with no emotional issues. Now go away.)


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13 Comments

Nothing like lowering expectations in an attempt to get out of dad's shadow.

Somebody should have been hugged more.

What else are Mormons supposed to binge on if they can't binge on booze?

Your killin' me, Smalls.

more athletic: the fat kid from The Sandlot or the fat kid from Little Giants?

I don't think the "very good players" deserve their own hall; maybe it would be more appropriate if they were put in the Antechamber of Very Good Players.

Hey! Let's make fun of people that do what we wish we could do!

FUCK YOU 19BRAZIL

haha fuck you, Rob.

get a life.

This is the most ridiculous display of journalism I have ever seen. I would even call it cowardly . . . I dare you to say those things to his face.

This is journalism?

Leave Rob Alone!

Wait, doesn't becoming successful at football require a higher IQ than it does to become successful at baseball? Oh and football doesn't require hand-eye coordination? I'm confused.

wrong again, Rob. he has several emotional issues.

My friend from elementary school's mom was named Dale Murphy. She was also a large person.

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