Giants' New Closer Just Wasn't Made for These Times

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I'm not sure whether to criticize or laud Andrew Baggarly, the Mercury News' beat writer for the San Francisco Giants, for penning a report about Giants' new closer Brian Wilson without using a single Beach Boys reference. Sure, saying "God only knows why Bruce Bochy selected Brian Wilson to be his closer" would be total hack, but is it possible that Baggarly has no idea that the more famous Brian Wilson once led the most popular band in America? Follow me after the jump as I think up new Beach Boys puns and figure this new kid out...

In 24 appearances for the Giants last season, Wilson had a solid 6.8 strikeouts per nine innings and a 2.28 ERA due mostly to a wicked hot fastball. Thanks to Yankees castoff Mike Stanton, though, he'd like to have another trick up his sleeve:

"Wilson's fascination with the cutter began years earlier while growing up in Connecticut and watching Mariano Rivera on New York Yankees telecasts. One day, the broadcasters showed the way Rivera grips his famous cutter. "I always kept it in the back of my mind," Wilson said. It came rushing back when the Giants traded for Mike Stanton, who pitched with Rivera in New York. Wilson asked Stanton to demonstrate the cutter."

Wow! Wouldn't it be nice if that cutter came in handy for more than the 12 save opportunities Wilson will get this year? It'll be hard for the Giants to use their closer when they're getting shut out 4 of every 5 games. That won't give those California girls any good vibrations. Holy shit, I'm a hack.

(Maybe dropping Beach Boys puns into a fact-based baseball item isn't as easy as I'd thought. Or maybe years and years of psychotropic drug use has given me tardive dyskinesia, the very neurological condition that kept Brian Wilson lying in bed counting ceiling tiles for so long. Either way.)

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I wonder what his Smile is like.

Help me Rondell White!

I'm disappointed by the omission of John Stamos references.

Giants catcher Bengie Molina smiled when told of the plan.

There's your Brian Wilson allusion.

I'm waiting for someone named Caroline to post a comment so I can say "no".

I also feel naked without the 'reply-to' button.

His closing job is here today, and it's gone tomorrow.

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