A Retraction and a Mea Culpa to Mr. Noah Lowry

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Earlier this week, I accused Noah Lowry of becoming the next Rick Ankiel after walking twelve gentlemen in his first 3 spring innings (not to mention the two wild pitches). Welp, I'd like to offer an official apology and mea culpa to Mr. Lowry because it seems as if he had an ouchie in his left arm.

Lowry was diagnosed with exertional compartmental syndrome in his forearm and will undergo surgery today on said arm. His control issues stemmed from fatigue in that weird place between your thumb and your wrist. It's basically the hand taint: it t'ain't the thumb and it t'ain't t he wrist.

Lowry will probably end up missing the first month of the season, so he'll be back in May to still go unnoticed by San Francisco baseball fans. So what exactly is this exertional compartmental syndrome anyway? Is it like carpal tunnel?

In layman's terms, throwing causes compression in Lowry's forearm compartment, resulting in a pressure buildup that squeezes a nerve which weakens Lowry's hand. Dr. Gordon Brody will perform Lowry's surgery, which is expected to be a mild procedure, by making a small incision and releasing the fascia -- akin to slicing a sausage casing -- around the forearm muscles.

See? No big deal. He's just having the casing sliced off of his sausa....holy crap, the blood just flowed out of my head. I'm feeling dizzy. Hold on one second.

...

Alright, I'm okay now. Hey Noah, wanna speed up the healing process? I hear HGH works wonders.


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4 Comments

For all the burger jokes, this blog is really turning into a sausage fest.

No one's ever given you an apology weiner?

Lowry's really getting tan at spring training.

Lowry's agent got the Bob Evans people on the phone post-haste.

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