Cave Baseball Somehow Doesn't Feature Cubs, Dmitri Young

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They're playing baseball in caves out in Joplin, Missouri, and attorney and local nut David Riesenmy is to blame. Riesenmy and former major league pitcher Steve Luebber have taken a fifteen acre underground facility once used for paintball and transformed it into the "Cave of Dreams Baseball Center". It's 65 degrees and dry all year round, as opposed to normal Missouri weather, which fluctuates between 'shitty' and 'shittier'. Local kids can practice all sorts of skills:

The center includes two long batting tunnels with pitching machines, a soft-toss cage, two clay pitcher's mounds and two portable mounds, and open areas for practicing other skills.

Sounds good for the winter time, but what about during the spring and summer when kids just want to play outside? Other good uses for the Cave of Dreams during the summer season:

  • Storing all that Red Sox wine so it ages properly into a delicate swill.
  • Off day retreat and hibernation station for Cubs
  • Bat storage for the Kansas City Royals (ed note: get it? bat? haw haw!)
  • Opportunity for Kyle Farnsworth to turn it into a modern day Lascaux.
  • Teaching Jim Thome the difference between stalactites and stalagmites.

Or just turn it back into a paintball center. Those flyover states really eat that shit up.

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This explains Luebber's ERA. Hitting against him was so easy a caveman could do it.

(Did not actually bother to look up Luebber's ERA)

That one's backbackbackbackback oh... and 13 year old Kyle Thompson of Springfield has impaled himself on a Wooly Mammoth tusk.

It's like playing in the Astrodome, except without the cast of Bad News bears II lingering around. Dude, Tanner, you're 45. Go home.

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