Dear Pelicans: Please Attack Billy Crystal

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crystal_billy_cp_7778758.jpgOf all the things I dislike about the Yankees, Billy Crystal is perhaps the most insidious. That smug, "aw shucks look what they did to Roger Maris" brand of smoked salmon and caper stained nostalgia pisses me off to no end. Of course, the organization loves it. They must think of him as a Real New Yorker or a Real Yankee or some other such made up shit that they've appointed themselves the arbiter of.

It's Crystal's 60th birthday this week (I must say, he doesn't look a day over 67) and the Yankees are helping him celebrate by letting him suit up for a spring training game.

Yankees manager Joe Girardi said he had not decided where to play Crystal. "Billy Crystal has done a lot for this organisation," he said. "He's always been a big part of it. This is our way of rewarding him, saying thanks for everything you've done."
Really, Joe? How so? Did the kvetching from his box seats distract Byung-Hyun Kim and Tim Wakefield? Did he give hitting tips to Reggie Jackson?

For his part Crystal gets to act surprised and drop in an annoying bit of vague familiarity with the team.

"I'm overwhelmed by the generosity of the Yankees and commissioner Selig. I know this'll be tougher than the Broadway Softball League, but I'm looking forward to helping the younger players - which by the way, is all of them."
Oh, that Billy! He knows his Yankees inside and out! What a dipshit showbiz elf. My only qualm about Thursday's game is that it's not against the Devil Rays. It would have been sweet to see him get drilled in the fro as part of the growing animosity between the two teams. Unfortunately, the Yankees are playing the Pirates so Crystal will probably hit for the cycle and we'll never hear the fucking end of it.

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The level of "crotchety" in this post is one step removed from an angry senior citizen letter to the local paper complaining about youngsters skateboarding on the sidewalks.

That's crotchety-on-crotchety violence.

But have you seen his New Orleans jazz man impersonation? Spot on! Can you dig it?

Get off my lawn.

Also, my "dislike about the Yankees" link is fixored.

If only there were a pitcher on the Pirates with enough control to deliver a fastball to his skull and end this nightmare.

Then again, Crystal might have a shot at making the Cardinals rotation if he lives past the eighth inning.

That Barry Pepper sure do have a sweet swing.

I hear Robin Williams will be on the hill for the Pirates on Thursday. Expect some "chin music" in the form of annoying banter.

Makes sense. Several members of the Pirates are former homeless people that benefited from Comic Relief.

Fuck Crystal. I want to see Sam Malone suit up for the Sox blackface.

Billy Crystal is the living, breathing, heart & soul of the Yankees fanbase:

Reggie Jackson was and always will be an Oakland A. Am I right, or what?

And say what you want about Crystal, but Running Scared was sweet.

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