Every Monday until opening day WoW will present our division previews and predictions.
I hate the National League Central Division. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I actually admire most of these teams and would root for them to beat most of the teams in the N.L. West or N.L. East. Rather, I hate this division because these teams suck and there are six of them.
Last year, the Brewers led the division until soon after the all-star break, when they gave way to the Cubs. The Cubs proceeded to get swept out of the playoffs by the Diamondbacks. Nothing else interesting happened.
So, is it possible for all six teams to lose 80+ games this season? No? So I have to pick a division champion? Well let's cut the crap and get right to it.
6. St. Louis Cardinals
- Albert Pujols will play until his elbow explodes.
- They have a very nice ballpark, I hear.
- Number one starter Chris Carpenter might pitch by August!
- Possibly the durst starting rotation in the majors. When Braden Looper is your #2, it's time to pack it in and bring up the kids.
- Albert Pujols' elbow is going to EFFING EXPLODE.
- Organization-wide drinking problem that rivals the Catholic church.
- No more Eckstein!
70 wins, a 0.30 blood alcohol content, and a garbage bag full of steroids.
5. Pittsburgh Pirates
- Freddy Sanchez and Jason Bay have not been traded...yet.
- Pitching staff isn't nearly as bad as that of the Cardinals. Dover, Delaware's very own Ian Snell has got stuff.
- One of the most beautiful ballparks I've ever been to AND they have fantastic kielbasa.
- No true leadoff guy. I don't even know how to pronounce this guy's first name and frankly, I'm scared to try.
- New manager John Russell has no major league experience and is somewhat anonymous.
- One of the most lifeless ballparks I've ever been to. That's what you get when you win only 15 home games per year.
74 wins, 1 lonely All-Star representative, and fifteen more years of futility.
4. Houston Astros
- They shed some dead weight.
- Hunter Pence, Lance Berkman, Carlos Lee, and Miguel Tejada are all Very Good to Excellent at the Art of Hitting.
- I hear good things about this rookie catcher J.R. Towles. He was drafted twice by the A's but never signed. Yeah, eff you Billy Beane!
- Hitty good, pitchy bad. After Roy Oswalt, you've got 4 corpses who pretend to pitch. Wandy Rodriguez has a girl's name.
- The Curse of Dale Berra
- Carlos Lee has his head up a steer's ass.
76 wins, and one crazy corn maze.
3. Cincinnati Reds
- Aaron Harang has Cy Young caliber stuff and Brandon Arroyo ain't that bad either.
- Rookies Joey Votto and Jay Bruce will probably have a breakout season. Don't worry, Marge...they're white!
- Farney power!
81 wins, 81 losses, and 81 different injuries for Ken Griffey Jr.
2. Milwaukee Brewers
- One of the best young lineups in the league. Rickie Weeks, JJ Hardy, Ryan Braun, Prince Fielder, and soon-to-be breakout star Corey Hart could combine for 175 home runs.
- The rotation ain't so bad. Ben Sheets, Yovani Gallardo and Dave Bush should be able to make up for the fact that Jeff Suppan is somehow still employed by a baseball team.
- Salomon Torres' daughters love the sausage.
- Jason Kendall is a Brewer.
- Eric Gagne is a Brewer.
- Furries love the Brewers.
86 wins, 13 crazy cold-ass fans, and one desperate run for the Wild Card that ends in sadness.
1. Chicago Cubs
- Ryan Theriot is the weakest batter in the lineup, and he's still pretty damn good.
- A True Number One pitcher in Carlos Zambrano, who is so good, he already has an inspirational biography.
- Manager Lou Piniella can sure habla that ess-pan-yol
- Mark DeRosa's heart, Jose Ascanio's face and Felix Pie's yambag
- Aramis Ramirez just can't get enough cock
- Jason Marquis is just really, really bad.
87 wins, 0 games won in the NLDS, and a bunch of chewing gum loving boobs raising hell.
Next week, Camp Tiger Claw tackles the granddaddy of them all...the AL East