Todd Wellemeyer Fancies Himself a Colonel; Adam Kennedy, a Fairy Princess

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Todd Wellemeyer is the very definition of a journeyman pitcher, having bounced around from Chicago to Florida to Kansas City to, most recently, St. Louis. If he could just throw some more goddamn strikes and stop walking every other batter he faced, he might be a serviceable pitcher on a decent team, but right now, he's got the control of a high school junior girl at a keg party. He tosses more balls than...well...a high school junior girl at a keg party. Sez Baseball Prospectus:

"His best chance would seem to be one inning at a time, not seven. Becoming the next Kyle Farnsworth is a best-case scenario."

Ouch, Baseball Prospectors! Anyway, they're wrong: Wellemeyer's best-case scenario is to become Colonel mother-effing Sanders:

"Always wanted to be a Colonel," Wellemeyer said. "There's no other Colonel I'd rather be." Last year, Wellemeyer, a native of Louisville, Ky., received a certificate from the Governor of the state welcoming him as a member of the Honorable Order of Kentucky Colonels. Think a British knighthood, bluegrass-style.

Uhh...I'm thinking 'British knighthood, bluegrass-style' and the only thing on my mind is poor dental care. I'm glad you're proud of your Kentucky heritage, Todd. I, too, am proud of my state's heritage, and will soon be getting my official membership into the Honorable Order of New Jersey Springsteen Fans.

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Kentucky Crumpet Fuckers

Becoming the next Kyle Farnsworth is a best-case scenario

PB era F4rnsw0rth or Fanhouse era?

Because that makes a huuuuge difference.

Other famous Kentucky Colonels include Carol Channing, Winston Churchill, Johnny Depp, Wayne Gretzky, and Pope John Paul Deuce.

Truly, Todd Wellemeyer is amongst greatness.

So, he wears British Knights? Is that what i am to believe?

Sidney Ponson isn't an Aruban Colonel yet, but he did just become assistant floor manager.

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