Wednesday Afternoon Liveglog Club: Indians at Astros

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Live from Osceola County Stadium in Kissimmee, Florida, it's your final Grapefruit League Wednesday Afternoon Liveglog, featuring the Houston Astros hosting the Cleveland Indians. Earlier today, the Oakland A's defeated the Boston Red Sox 5-1 in Tokyo, Japan as oft-injured Rich Harden decided to not be injured today and pitched six solid innings to lead his team. Also, Emil Brown hit a home run.

But this afternoon, it's Roy Oswalt versus C.C. Sabathia, so you know these teams aren't effing around. It's the Astros' final spring game in Florida and the Indians' second to last, so let's send them off with a terribly prepared liveglog, after the ol' jump:

1:04PM: Franklin Gutierrez is leading off against Oswalt; seems as if Grady Sizemore didn't make the trip because he had to have his eyebrows waxed. Gutierrez is in centerfield today.

1:07PM: Gutierrez fouls off a bunch of balls before singling up the middle. Asdrubal Cabrera is up now. He is the shortstop, and his name sounds like Ass Drooping.

1:10PM: Today is my first time listening to the Astros radio crew. Can anyone identify who I am listening to? Cabrera has worked the count full so I suppose Oswalt is working a lot harder than he intended.

1:13PM: Cabrera grounded one back to Oswalt, who bobbled it and hesitatedl he either had a moment of indecision or a really great idea on how to fix his underground sprinkler system because Cabrera beat the throw to first. David Dellucci is up now, who grounds out to first on a fielders' choice. Runners move over.

1:14PM: I'm lying, of course, Dellucci is on first and Gutierrez is on third, which leaves Victor Martinez perfectly lined up to end the inning with a GIDP. He's a catcher, he's slow, he has to.

1:17PM: Martinez does indeed ground out but he beat the throw to first, so Gutierrez scores on the fielders' choice. First basegentleman Ryan Garko follows with a base hit up the middle. Casey Blake is up now. Is this a sign of things to come for Roy Oswalt?

1:20PM: Are these the guys I'm listening to? Oh boy. Milo Hamilton has been on the air for 60 years. Although his voice is quite smooth and at least he is keeping up with the play-by-play and knows the names of the players. Cough cough Niehaus. Bases loaded after Blake walked, but Jason Michaels flies out to Pence to end the inning.

1:23PM: Yeah, CC Sabathia is pitching. He's good and stuff. Michael Bourn leads off. He's got a .346 OBP so far this spring. Not bad, but not leadoff material. But hey, these are the Astros and they're not supposed to be very good this year. Bourn strikes out.

1:26PM: Hunter Pence is up, he grounds out to third. He would have beat the throw but there was a plate glass door along the baseline. Lance Berkman is up now, and he does the same goddamn thing, grounding out to third, and slowing up before running through the glass door.

1:29PM: Jamey Carroll leads off the second inning. I guess Jhonny Peralta isn't playing today because Cabrera is at short and Carroll is at second. Hey, where's Josh Barfield? Carroll flies out. Sabathia is going to have an at-bat now, and he grounds out to Tejada.

1:32PM: Hey, today is the last time we get to use the grapefruit picture. Unless of course Jason Bay gets busted in some sort of sick citrus sex scandal. That's always possible. Gutierrez grounds out to send the game into the void...err...the middle of the second.

1:35PM: Hey, so what about that Sirius-XM merger getting approved by the DOJ? You think this will affect my ability to listen to games on my XM device? Maybe I can start liveglogging by reading the box score on THAT would be a bear. Speaking of bears, Carlos Lee leads off the half-inning by hitting a warning track flyout to right center. Ooph! So close.

1:38PM: Miguel Tejada hits a gapper and ends up at second with a standup double. A standup double? Is he going to tell bad airplane food jokes now? Allegedly, Tejada is having a heckuva spring, hitting .340 and whatnot. Good for him, I say. Hey Mark Loretta is up now, and he lined out to right field. Ty Wigginton is up; he has eight errors this spring so far at third base? Jesus! I mean, Jesus! He strikes out and the inning is over.

1:41PM: Cabrera leads off the third inning by grounding a ball off Berkman's glove. The ball bounced to the bullpen area and Cabrera made it to second. Perhaps Oswalt is a bad luck pitcher this year or perhaps his fielders just suck. And him too. Oh hey Barfield was sent to AAA as per the radio gents. Dellucci grounds out and Cabrera moves to third.

1:44PM: Victor Martinez picks up his second RBI of the day with a single. Ryan Garko is up now. It seems as if the Astros have children announcing the players names over the PA today. Well that's a great gimmick to make the game more family-friendly, but it pisses me off. Kids should be kept muzzled at all times, especially at baseball games. Garko lines out to Lee. Two down.

1:47PM: Casey Blake hits a double which allows Vic Martinez to score...wait no! It's a grounds rule double down the corner that was touched by a fan so Martinez is being sent back to third, with his tail between his legs. Yes, Victor Martinez has a primordial tail. Jason Michaels is up. Oh nevermind he grounded out. Screw him.

1:50PM: Rookie sensation J.R. Towles leads off the bottom of the third for the 'Stros... he's missed a ton of the spring so he only has 22 at-bats so far but he's hitting well. Also, I wanted to draft him but I was one round too late; I ended up with Gerald Laird. Same diff!!!

1:53PM: Towles makes an out in some manner that I was too distracted to follow. Roy Oswalt is up now. The announcers are making dinner plans now, so I suppose they're as distracted as me. Oswalt strikes out. Oh, it's T-bone steaks tonight. Fantastic. Michael Bourn is up for his second go-around. Hey, this is great news: XM is going to broadcast their baseball channel online now. Bourn grounds out. Inning over.

1:56PM: Oswalt is on the mound for the fourth. Yes, it is indeed Milo Hamilton and Brett Dolan switching off with the play-by-play. OMG THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT ANAL FISSURES NOW. I was just about to give these gents some props on their fine broadcast, and they go and talk about Kaz Matsui's anus. Thanks!

1:59PM: Jamey Carroll grounds out. So yeah, the announcers are good because they sound convivial without being too folksy. Hey, Sabathia got a ground ball base hit. Good for him! Gutierrez is up for the third time today.

2:02PM: Gutierrez hits a long double and actually ends up at second base before Sabathia has touched third base. Cripes. Cabrera grounds out to Loretta at second who was drawn in, so the run doesn't score. Poor Sabathia has to stay at third and think about what he's done with his life.

2:05PM: With two outs, Dellucci steps to the plate to try and make hay while the sun is still shining. I have no idea what that expression means, but he hits a line drive that scores two...Dellucci goes to second base and because Bourn couldn't handle the ball in center, he goes to third. It's 4-0 Indians.

2:08PM: Vic Martinez seemingly grounds out but umpire Laz Diaz rules that the ball was hit off his foot, so the ballplayers must reluctantly remain in the field. Aww c'mon Laz! They were ready for a sunflower seed break!

2:11PM: Martinez gets a base hit so that's three at-bats and three RBI for Vic today. Oswalt is getting royally screwed today, so the pitching coach visits him at the mound to remove the bad vibes somehow. Ryan Garko steps up to the plate and hits a hard ground ball double through Berkman's legs. Second and third now. Cecil Cooper is going to pull Oswalt now. Sayonara, Roy.

2:14PM: Three and two-thirds innings and like 572 pitches. That's not very efficient, Mr. Oswalt. Casey Blake walks and the bases are loaded for Jason Michaels. Oh, I forgot to listen for who the new pitcher is. Let's just assume it's Oscar Villereal. Michaels flies out and the inning is over.

2:20PM: Hunter Pence leads off the bottom of the fourth with a hit off C.C. and Berkman is up to attempt to do something positive. Hey, he did it! A single! Two on now for Carlos Lee.

2:23PM: Carlos Lee grounds out; Pence and Berkman follow up with a wacky double steal with Tejada at the plate.

2:26PM: Base hit Tejada, Pence scores and here comes Berkman around third to try and score, Guterriez fields in center and throws a fucking laser shot to the catcher Martinez and Berkman is out. Martinez fires to first to catch a doddering Tejada and you've got yerself a typical 8-2-4 dubble play. Suckers.

2:29PM: Jamey Carroll leads off the fifth inning with a pop out, and I believe Wesley Wright was the new Astros pitcher last inning. Sabathia is up.

2:32PM: Sabathia strikes out. Gutierrez is up now. Wesley Wright is a former Dodger, a rule 5 pick, and the only left handed reliever on the Astros. WTF? Gutierrez hits a warning track fly out to Carlos Lee and we're going to the middle of the fifth.

2:38PM: Oh hey Mark Loretta had the world's longest at-bat but was finally retired. I think I might have fallen asleep there. Wigginton is up now.

2:41PM: Oooh Wigginton broke his bat and the ball went to Blake at third and half the bat helicoptered over Sabathia's head. He reached with an infield single, but I think Blake was just concerned about the wellbeing of his pitcher. Towles lines a single to left, two on, one out. Jose Cruz Jr will pinch hit. I didn't know he was still around.

2:43PM: Well color me shitless because Cruz just doubled both gentlemen home. He has eighteen RBI this spring!

2:46PM: Bourn grounds out and Cruz advances to third. This liveglog is on its last legs, too, fellows. I'm stopping at 3.

2:47PM: Pence grounds out to end the inning. It's 5-3 Cleveland now. Did I forget to record a run at some point? I don't know. Oh well! Houston will need a new pitcher next inning. Let's assume it's...Nolan Ryan.

2:49PM: Nah, it's Dave Borkowski, who is not related to Joe Borowski nor Dave Dombrowski. What's up with all these pollacks?!

2:51PM: Cabrera welcomes Borkowski into the game with a friggin home run over Hunter Pence's helpless flailing arms. Poor Pence! Dellucci follows with a double that Hunter Pence has to chase into the corner. Poor Pence!

2:54PM: Vic Martinez grounds out but advances the runner to third with just one out. Garko is up now. Garko flies out to Pence and Pence sets himself in position to make a strong throw to get Dellucci taggin at home, but Dellucci scores. Poor Pence!

2:57PM: Casey Blake is retired, so it's 7-3 in the middle of the sixth and I am done with this liveglog. If you want to know what happens in the rest of the game, just close your eyes and pretend that Miguel Tejada hits a 6-run-homer in the bottom of the 32nd inning to win the game 23 to 22.4 for the Astros, because that makes about as much sense as me finishing this glog.

2:58PM: Thanks for coming to our commenters! You make me smile.

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What's wrong with Oswalt's sprinkler system? I know a guy.

The Astros will be better than people think. Which is to say they won't totally suck hard.

They should move that glass door then.

You know who I bet likes In And Out Burger? C.C. Sabathia.

I don't think Josh Barfield is on that team.

Carlos Lee has a cattle ranch, I don't think there are bears on it. I actually wrote about it. I didn't mention bears.

Top of the fourth, and CC Sabathia is putting up a bounty on some obscure Correllian smuggler who dumped his cargo at the first sign of Imperials...

(because he's fat, you see...)

Fat jokes turn me on.

Speaking of airline food... why is it always sooooo terrible?

RE: XM/Sirius -- The future for satellite radio is not very bright. The two companies had to merge, not because there is some cabal, but because they probably wouldn't survive if they didn't.

That being said, should we start calling Miguel Cabrera "Carlos Lee" now, or should we wait five years when he balloons up to 300 lbs?

You can't muzzle a child, that's against the law!

You know what the J.R. in J.R. Towles stands for??

Justin Richard.

At least there's commentary going on, even if it's about dinner plans... the NESN commentary during the Sox game this morning was pretty much just the two of them giggling like a couple of greasy stoners.

I can't believe I'm not getting to enjoy the visual of Sabathia running. I envision him stopping somewhere on the basepath to rest his hands on his knees and breathe heavily. "Wait... you guys... seriously..."

I agree Rob Icarane. I don't want to hear about some guys butt.

I kind of wish that umpire would take a more Laz-ez faire approach to calling the plate.

I still think Roy Oswalt is a good pitcher.

Is this all still on 2 outs?!

@me: Read the whole thing, dummy.

Top of the seventh, and CC Sabathia has just let out a titanic fart that registered on several local seismographs.... Must have been the six burritos he had for breakfast....

(because he's... well, he's a large man.)

That doesn't sound like a typical double play to me... anything but!

Towles is a hitty bastard.

On a related note, Julio Lugo had 18 RBI last year. Coincidence?

Don't forget to bring your Towles!

Casey Blake retired????? Fuck, there goes my roto team....

a year or two ago i was hungover at the Jake during the Slider alarm clock kids' giveaway, and there was not a single pitch thrown while at least one of those damn alarm clocks wasn't ringing. muzzles may not help in that regard, but it's a step in the right direction.

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