Here's what happened in baseball before I settled for a cup of coffee:
Astros 5, Cardinals 3: Jose Valverde did his best Brad Lidge impression, blowing a 3-0 ninth inning lead and then earning an ill-begotten win thanks to a walkoff home run by Miguel Tejada. Houston starter Wandy Rodriguez honored the Astros' home opener by pitching a gem, but Valverde went and shat all over it. Jose must have partied too hard at the pregame festivities at Halliburton Plaza.
White Sox 7, Twins 4: Remember all those trade rumors that had Joe Crede playing third base for the Giants? Or the Phillies? Or the Buffalo Bisons? Welp, they must have all been false because Crede is still a White Sock: he hit the go-ahead grand slam off shitty blogger Pat Neshek, sending the Twins to Sadtown, USA. ChiSox manager and gigantic Pudge Rodriguez fan Ozzie Guillen was ejected by umpire Phil Cuzzi for the second time in eight months. This just goes to prove my theory: Ozzie Guillen is a crazy asshole.
Cubs 10, Pirates 8 (12): The Cubs blew a 7-0 third inning lead as pitchers Ted Lilly, Kevin Hart and Carmen Pignatiello decided that the Pirates home opener needed to have a little more excitement. Pittsburgh came back to tie the game at 8 in the seventh and had a chance to win in the bottom of the ninth. With runners on first and third and just one out, Jose Bautista attempted to bunt for a hit but the squeeze was not on; pinch-runner Brian Bixler froze at third as Bautista was called out. It's a shame the Pirates have no Rusty Kuntz to teach the basics! The Cubs scored two runs in the 12th with a collection of walks and Pirate errors. Whither Kuntz?!
Yankees 6, Devil Rays 1: Does anyone know how serious a strained quadricep is?
Coming later: Padres-Giants and Braves-Rockies