Here's what happened in baseball while I was double-fisting Argentinian Cabernet and American Bud Lights:
White Sox 11, Tigers 0: Javier Vazquez is the latest White Sox starter to post some zeros against the hapless Detroit Tigers lineup, going seven scoreless innings and collecting nine strikeouts. Those Tigers are still on the waiting list to collect some hap, having been shut out four times already. IT'S NOT EVEN TAX DAY YET. Rookie Clete Thomas was Jim Leyland's leadoff hitter yet again and rewarded Leyland's forward-thinking approach by striking out four times. Two different White Soxes, Joe Crede and Paul Konerko, hit grand slams in the game; it was Crede's second four-run homer in a week's time. Wait...four shutouts for the Tigers, four strikeouts for Thomas, four-run homers for Crede and Konerko....IT'S THE FOURPOCALYPSE!
Cubs 6, Phillies 5 (10): The Cubbies took advantage of some terrrrrible umpire-atin' in this contest but prevailed mostly because Chase Utley made an oopsie at the wrong time. The bad call was a disputed solo home run off the bat of ol' shaky-heart Mark DeRosa; third base umpire Adrian Johnson called it fair but television replays clearly show it foul. I know. I was watching TBS and enjoying the dulcet tones of color guy Buck Martinez. Utley's error allowed Carlos Zambrano to reach first base as Ronny Cedeno scored the eventual winning run. Zambrano? Really? A pitcher? Hustling his buns to cause Utley to throw the ball away and let the winning run score in extry innings? HOW DO YOU LIVE LIKE THIS, PHILLIES FANS?
Padres 1, Dodgers 0: Ol' poopypants Greg Maddux went the minimum 5 scoreless innings to collect his win and then immediately high-tailed it to Vegas to celebrate his 83rd birthday. Hey, not bad...I hear they have $3 prime rib and dollar Rob Roys at the Golden Nugget between 4 and 5PM on Sundays. It was nearly 100 effing degrees at the game and fan Jeff Hechter just remembered he was wearing a diaper on his head. Maddux was aided by several defensive gems by shortstop Khalil Greene; there was but one run-scoring play in the game, a fifth-inning sacrifice fly by Padres right fielder Paul McAnulty. This made fan Jeff Hechter sigh and remember that (a) his team was shut out and (b) he was still wearing a diaper on his head.
Rockies 13, Diamondbacks 5: The Diamondbacks finally lost a game, ending the Rockies' five-game-long national nightmare of losing to Arizona. Shortstop Clint Barmes emerged from behind the shadow of Troy Tulowitzki for one shining day, getting a start in place of the reigning NL Rookie of the Year. He collected three hits, four RBI and the ire of five Phoenix groupies longing to check out Tulowitzki's tush. The Rockies and tied with the Dodgers at 5-7 and remain just 0.5 games ahead of the San Francisco Giants. Perhaps their only chance to win this division would be to curse the D-Backs and stuff a Dante Bichette jersey in the pool filter at Chase Field.
Red Sox 7, Yankees 4 (in progress): We should have made more noise about the first ever regular season Red Sox-Yankees series here at Walkoff Walk what with Kris being a staunch Red Sock fanatic and I, being a diehard Yankee supporter. But...we didn't, because we do not plan ahead very well. It's 11PM right now and we're still in the top of the sixth. I do not plan to stay up and watch the final three innings of this nonsense, mostly because I need to manufacture the Z's but also because three more hours of Joe Morgan might melt my brain. Let us hope for the best!