Baseball Before Bedtime: Sunday Papers

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Here's what happened in baseball while knowing how to be a star:

Rangers 10, Twins 0: Livan Hernandez is only 33 years old? Really, Livan? Really? Can I see a copy of his birth certificate? Can we get E:60 to confront him, Punk'd-style on this? No matter how old the thirteen-year vet is, he got absolutely shell-shocked by the Texas Rangers, giving up nine hits and seven runs in less than 3 innings. Milton Bradley hit a three-run tater tot in the first inning and it was all downhill from there for Livan. Well, not really. It was all downhill when he signed with the Twins. They don't got no empanadas in Minneapolis.

Marlins 3, Brewers 2 (10): Wes Helms' extra-innings ding-dong helped Florida win the rubber game in Milwaukee and tighten their stranglehold on the National League East. Jeff Loria and his Fightin' Fish haven't been in first place this late since the glory days of Todd Jones, Carlos Delgado, and Mike Lowell in 2005. Yes, those people all played for Florida just three seasons ago. Bizarre. The Marlins used eight pitchers, including Doug Waechter, while the Brewers used just seven. Only seven, Ned Yost? You've got 14 pitchers on your roster, use 'em more wisely. (Whoops, make that thirteen)

Diamondbacks 2, Padres 1: Brandon Webb continues his reign of terror over the National League West, moving to 5-0 against his division rivals and 6-0 overall. His ERA dropped to 1.98 with six innings and no earned runs allowed, while his rival Jake Peavy just can't catch any breaks. This is the second time this season that the Padres have lost a 2-1 game with Peavy on the mound, the first being that 22-inning ordeal against the Rockies in which Peavy threw eight scoreless innings and recorded eleven strikeouts. Snakes catcher Chris Snyder hit the game-winning home run in the second inning, so he had to wait seven innings to fully celebrate the gravity of his ding-dong.

Rays 3, Red Sox 0: I don't read the Boston dailies so I cannot fully get a reading of the Red Sox' fans feelings about being swept by the Rays and booted out of first place. I'm entirely aware of all the hemming and hawing about the Yankees lack of production in the early going, but allow me to speak for both fanbases when I ask, "WHAT THE FUCK GOT INTO THE DEVIL RAYS?" James Shields collected his first career shutout, albeit against a lineup that lacked David Ortiz, and Rays rookie Evan Longoria hit a seventh-inning solo homer off Josh Beckett. Earlier in the game, Beckett made a shitty pickoff attempt, allowing baserunner Jason Bartlett to scamper to third base. Bartlett scored when J.D. Drew picked up the ball and threw wildly towards home. You call that run unearned? Pfft.

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What the shit is that Doug Waechter link? After reading it I felt like I didn't speak English.

And if I'm indicative of most Red Sox fans, here's how they feel about being booted out of first place: I want an egg sandwich.

It's pronounced "Jawsh."

Brandon Webb is morbidly obese.

Doug Waechter is the answer to every single blind item relating to baseball players DURHEY

I heart Joe Jackson. +1.

And excuse me, is that an On the DL reference, Iracane? I miss that blog. I loved those bitches.

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