Baseball Before Bedtime: We'll Never Sleep (God Knows We'll Try)

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sleep.jpgHere's what happened in baseball before the hospital was closed.

Royals 5, Yankees 2: Brian Bannister toughed out a shaky second inning and Ross G. Load knocked in two to give the Royals the victory in the home opener. A-Rod struck out 4 times (I believe that's a white gold sombrero), Phil Hughes didn't make it out of the third, and Jorge Posada could be headed to the DL for the first time ever with a dead arm. Oh yeah, and Jeter may be out for the series. Bad, bad day for our pinstriped pals.

Brewers 3, Reds 2: Eric Gagne almost didn't blow the save (2 strikes and 2 outs), then just decided to be true to himself and give up a game tying home run to Corey "SUCK IT ICARANE" Patterson. But, the Brewers showed the pluckinesss inherent in most alcoholics and fought back to win it in the 10th. Rickie Weeks RBI single FTW. When reached for comment after the game, Gagne slipped on a banana peel, choked on a ham sandwich and fell in a bear trap.

Mariners 6, Rays 5: Erik Bedard got his first win as a Mariner by proving that his pwnage of the Rays is bicoastal. He's now 11-3 lifetime against those West Florida Dandies. Richie Sexson had 3 RBIs which should keep people from holding a mirror over his mouth for the next few days. On the bright side for the Rays, Carlos Pena hit his third HR of the young season. I could have sworn last year was a fluke. If he keeps this up I'll be suprised AND handsome.

Cardinals 5, Astros 3: Troy Glaus hit the game winning two run double in this game. Scott Rolen just began holding utensils again yesterday. Early trade advantage: Cardinals. Some other stuff happened too, but mostly I just feel bad for making you read two recaps from the NL Central. Damn, those motherfucking teams are boring.

Rockies 4, Braves 3: The Braves have lost 5 games this season. They've lost them by 5 runs. That's gotta smart. Rockies starter Ubaldo Jimenez was all over the map but did enough to inch out the Bravos. Matt Holiday had 2 RBI.

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Goddamn Corey Patterson and his power/speed number...

"Losses are losses," said manager Bobby Cox, who tried to put a positive spin on things. "We've been in every game. It means we've got a good club."

Yep, losses mean you have a good club.

The Braves Pythagorean win-loss record is actually pretty good, but their Euclidean batting average is atrocious.

I have no idea what that means.

@matt_T: Put simply, the Pythagorean win-loss statistic indicates that the number of games lost, when squared, will be directly proportionate to the sum of the squares of (a) the number of practices Mike Hampton is healthy enough to throw in and (b) the number of times Jeff Francouer swings at the first pitch. Euclidean batting average is an n-dimensional batting space defined by rotation around a fixed point in Chipper Jones' batting stance, where n = the number of home runs Chipper hits, and each home run is mapped by an angular trajectory from the fixed point.

I thought it had something to do with snakes.

Thanks FMRA. I feel better about the 1 run losses now

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