Red Sox vs. Rangers, Patriot's Day Baseball 4/21/08

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liveglog.jpgHey Hey, It's Patriot's Day. I have the day off which helps to balance out all the terrible things that happen to me on a day-to-day basis living in Boston. The Red Sox look to sweep the Rangers in the fourth game of the weekend series. Morning baseball, coffee and bagels after the jump:
11:04: Someone dressed as Paul Revere just rode by my apartment on a horse yelling about Red Coats. Pretty awesome, but I don't think the original Revere had two police cruiser escorts.

11:06: Clay Buchholz is on the mound for the Red Sox today. Jerry Remy is under the weather so we get the immortal Ken Macha (!) as his replacement in the booth. Let's just say Ken doesn't sound completely comfortable.

11:07: I opted for the wheat everything bagel with veggie cream cheese. Kinsler pops out to Lugo at short.

11:09: I was at yesterday's game, featuring the Sox coming back from a 5-0 deficit and also featuring Sox fan townies starting a wave when they were down 5-1. Michael Young doubles off the Monster.

11:11: Buccholz strikes out Hamilton on an extremely loopy curveball. Ken Macha on former player Milton Bradley: "He brought a lot of life to the A's and we had a lot of fun, but sometimes you have to get him to harness that intensity." Translation: "He tried to kill me more than once." Bradley flies out left. Top 1 is done.

11:16: Kason Gabbard on the mound for the Rangers. I always liked Gabbard when he was here but when Eric Gagne is on the market, you have to do whatever it takes to get him. Ken Macha is still talking about Milton Bradley and how cuckoo he is. I love this. Ellsbury grounds out to second.

11:18: Pedroia flies out to right. Ken Macha is talking about when Ron Washington was an instructor with him on the A's. Awesome. I've been dying to here the inside scoop on the '03-'06 A's.

11:19: Ortiz grounds out to first to end the inning. He had a couple RBI this weekend but there is no way he's out of the woods yet. He's still pulling every single pitch he hits, and that's going to leave him with a .235 average at season's end.

11:22: Do you think Hank Blalock has parents or was he just created from Dean Palmer's stem cells?

11:23: Blalock flies out to Drew in right, and Don Orsillo just said "when you were manager of the A's" twice in the time it took Jason Botts to get into the batters box. Botts strikes out on 3 pitches.

11:26: David Murphy just singled. Eric Gagne just missed the toilet bowl while taking a shit.

11:27: Gerald Laird, who has a build like George Lopez, lays down the bunt single. Two on, two out.

11:30: Rob is a troglodyte, that wheat bagel was deelishuz.

11:30: Also, I'm not sure what to say about this.

11:32: Broussard walks after a 6 minute at-bat. Buccholz is up over 20 pitches on the inning, and Kinsler comes up with the bases loaded.

11:34: Kinsler flies out to Youkilis at first to end the threat, thus proving the age old axiom: Never give a gay guy a hammer.

11:37: I actually slept through that commercial break due to the residual effects of Ken Macha talking about when Jason Kendall was his catcher in Oakland.

11:38: NESN cuts to a shot of assholish Mitt Romney in the stands stuffing his stupid face with popcorn, then Gabbard immediately FALLS OFF THE MOUND during his windup. This is not a coincidence. WTF was that? Gabbard regroups and gets Youkilis to ground out to third.

11:40: Ken Macha just said "Popplebun," which sounds delicious. Florida State Seminole, J.D. Drew draws the walk.

11:42: Gabbard throws one in the dirt that Laird handles like George Lopez, Drew advances to second. Also, discussion has moved on from when Macha coached the A's to when he coached the Pawtucket Red Sox. Peace Out, Asshole!

11:44: I am 100% convinced Jerry Remy is home with a devastating hangover. It's been quite a weekend around these parts and he probs just partied too hard. Lowrie grounds out to short. Textbook piece of baserunning by Drew to get to third.

11:46: Lugo walks. Pitching coach Mark Connor comes to the mound. A disoriented Ethiopian just knocked on my door screaming "FINISH LINE!?." Marathon Monday!

11:49: Florida State Seminole Kevin Cash draws the walk to load the bases.

11:51: Joe Thurston comes up. He filled in for Manny yesterday after teh ejection and got the start today. He strikes out on 3 pitches looking absolutely horrible. Joe, I know you're excited to be in the big leagues and all but uh... Gabbard walked 3 guys in that inning. Take a pitch, Brozo. End of inning.

11:54: I've just been informed that Wisconsin also celebrates Patriot's Day. I find that very interesting. Also, Jacoby Ellsbury's girlfriend is running in the marathon. I could give a shit.

11:55: Buchholz walks Michael Young on 4 pitches to lead off the inning. Hamilton then strikes out on 3 pitches. That makes 2 K's for him already today. It's like he's addicted to striking out.

11:58: Bradley flies out to deeeeeeep right on a hanging curve from Buchholz. Blalock singles to center.

12:01: Earlier in the inning some doofus middle aged fan made a great catch on a foul ball then dropped it into the grandstands below during his celebration. That was stellar. Eat it, old man.

12:03 Some white guy on the Rangers flies out to end the inning. Instead of cutting to commercial, NESN gets the Bruins' Aaron Ward on the phone to talk about game 7 of the B's/Canadiens series tonight. It's been a rather eventful weekend for sports here in Boston.

12:05: Gabbard leaves the game during his pre-inning warm up with a sore back. Mitt Romney's trail of destruction continues.

12:07: Dustin Nippert is has come on for the Rangers. /nippert joke.

12:09: Ellsbury walks and steals second making him 15 for 15 on steal attempts in his career. Pedroia singles through the left side moving Ellsbury to second. Amazingly it's the first Boston hit of the day. It brings up Ortiz.

12:11: Ellsbury's girlfriend just quit the marathon to go shopping making her 0 for 1 on marthons in her career.

12:12: Ortiz strikes out on a nasty looking 96 MPH heater from Nips.

12:15: Youkilis flies out to center setting off some super 'tarded baserunning. Ellsbury halfway tagged up from third, then got hung up. Pedroia tried for second so they threw and got him in a pickle. Ellsbury tried for home again, the Rangers threw home and caught him in a pickle tagging him out. I think that was an 8-6-2-5-4-3-2 double play. End of inning.

12:19: Buccholz gets the flyout from Murphy. Gerald Laird strides to the plate. A giant among .245 hitting catchers.

12:22: Joe Thurston makes a stellar leaping grab on Laird against the Monster. It was a little awkward but I'm sure playing against that wall in your first trip to the majors can be a little daunting. Good on you, Thurston Howell.

12:25: Buchholz strikes out Broussard to end the inning. Since he's apparently incapable of growing terrible facial hair, Buccholz is overcompensating with the other lame pitcher trademark... gaudy hemp necklaces. His are particularly annoying. This has been Joan Rivers with your Red Sox/Rangers fashion report.

12:29: Drew walks. Then Nippert balks to send him to second. All of that was missed while Macha and Orsillo reminisced about their days together in Pawtucket! Those were some great anec....ZZZZZZZZZZZ.

12:30: Lowrie pops a horrible bunt that somehow falls in. Lugo singles to center to knock in Drew. 1-0 Red Sox.

12:34: Ken Macha seems like a nice guy but he keeps calling out which pitches he thinks the pitchers should throw and it's really annoying me. Cash lines out to second, Kinsler tries to double up Lugo but throws it away, Lowrie scores. 2-0, Red Sox. What a strange day on the basepaths.

12:37: Thurston weakly pops out to third and is 0 for the majors. But hey, how bout those catches! He's ok with me. Ellsbury grounds to Young tough play and the throw pulls Broussard off the bag. Runners on first and third.

12:39 Nipper>Nippert.

12:41: Ellsbury steals second then Pedroia doubles into the triangle to drive him home. 4-0, Red Sox. OH NO! I FORGOT TO WAKE UP JEAN-PAUL JEAN-PAUL FOR THE MARATHON!

12:46: Ortiz flies out to lef... OOPS! Bradley loses the ball in the sun and falls on his angry ass. Scores Pedroia. 5-0, Red Sox.

12:49: Youkilis walks... game may be getting out of hand... weather is beautiful out...

12:51: Ken Macha is talking about different road races he's run in his life. He's snoozy. Drew walks again.

12:53: Lowrie strikes out, end of inning. Has everyone seen this compilation of ridiculous slapstick moments in news broadcasting? I highly recommend it.

12:56: Macha: "Pitching coaches like to use the term 'pounding the strike zone.'" 8 seconds of silence in the booth.

12:59: Hey there's two outs in the fifth. Michael Young just flew out to right center. I was in the kitchen. Macha is talking about the '04 ALCS when he coached the A's. The memories are so thick you could cut them wi.....ZZZZZZ.

1:03: Just received a text message from a friend of mine watching the marathon. She claims a runner just stole the beer out of her hand. Lugo leads of the bottom of the fifth with a double.

1:05: Kevin Cash singles to right, moves Lugo to third. My roommate just characterized Macha's analysis of the hit, "the most asinine fucking thing I've ever heard."

1:07: Thurston popped out. A stat box tells us Ellsbury is second in the league in walks per plate appearances. Bill James just came all over his Dockers when he read that. Ellsbury singles to left and drives in Lugo. 6-0, Red Sox.

1:12: Franklyn German (pronounced Her-mon) is in for the Rangers and he is fucking GIGANTIC. Huge! He gets a flyout and Ortiz comes up. There is approximately 540 pounds of pitcher and batter right now.

1:13: Ortiz drives one off the Monster marking the second straight at bat he's gone the other way. NOW he may be getting out of the woods. 8-0, Red Sox.

1:16: Oh my god what is Ken Macha talking about. Don Orsillo just told him he was one of the worst 3rd base coaches he's ever seen but was a very good manager. Youkilis walked and I'm seriously thinking of turning off the volume and playing music. I don't think that would be good for the liveblog. Blink twice if you're still reading.

1:19: Drew flies out to right. I've decided I am doing this until two o'clock. Not only is the game dragging a bit, but I think it would just feel wrong if we ever finished a liveblog here at WoW.

1:22: For Jiegel.

1:23: Milton Bradley singles to left. Ken Macha says when he was a manager he had a card made up for him ("that had my name on it") which told him what to do in every single game situation. I'm sure the A's will be glad to know they paid him a million dollars to manage when they could have just gone to Kinko's. The Rangers ground into a double play.

1:27: Buchholz strikes out Botts and there is Mariachi blaring from a boombox on the sidewalk in front of my house. Viva Los Patriosos!

1:32: Lowrie walks and Lugo hits a rocket off the Monster. He's 3 for 3 and has been tagging it pretty well. Franklyn German looks like a defensive lineman.

1:35: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP ABOUT THE 2004 A'S. I BEG YOU. Bases loaded no outs for Joe Thurston.

1:36: Joe flies out half way down the third base line. Again. Poor Joe.

1:38: "Hey Sox fans, remember if you need medical assistance while at the park visit the Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Tent behind section 12."

"Hi, I just did the wave while we were down 5-1. I think I have brain damage."

1:39: Ellsbury flew out to left. Pedroia flies out to center. They left the bases loaded! The sky is falling!

1:43: Neil Diamond is playing Fenway on 8/23. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean I'd like to go but. I just don't know how to feel anymore.

1:45: David Aardsma comes in for Buchholz and promptly walks David Murphy to start the inning. RBI double for Gerald Laird. The sky is falling. No seriously I just got hit by a rogue piece of Skylab. 8-1, Red Sox.

1:51: Ken Macha: "Before I came to the Red Sox organization I was a member of the Angels. Back then they were just called The California Angels." Silence. Don Orsillo: "If I remember correctly you were in a bus crash with the Angels." Wow.

1:52: Macha: "I remember looking up and seeing Chuck Finley pull people out through the window. If Michael Young gets on here I think this would be it for Aardsma." Young strikes out. Aardsma is being taken out anyway. Weird couple of minutes of television there.

1:57: Josh Hamilton doubles off of Javier Lopez. 8-2, Red Sox.

1:59: Lopez strikes out Milton Bradley. I'm ending the glog here. Here's the last song from the last Piebald show, this past Saturday night. It was one of the most intense nights of music I've ever been a part of. I'm somewhere ahead and to the left of whoever filmed this. Enjoy the rest of your Monday!

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Wheat bagels are for hippies and old people with bowel problems. WHICH ARE YOU

I see I win the "which 1 person besides CTC and Rob will actually pay attention to an 11 am glog" game. What do I win?


I'll send you an autographed post-it note.

With your real name or your super secret internet one?

Whoa, somebody woke up Gene Wilder!

Knowing that team, Macha's gonna get to the important part of the story and choke on some crackerjack.

You should have picked Ortiz in your faggy fantasy league THAT A COMEDIAN IS WINNING! A HACK COMEDIAN, AT THAT!

I was promised a bagel. WHERE'S MY GODDAMN BAGEL?! I'm too hungover to have a sense of humor about bagels right now.

Is David Murphy a Dropkick Murphy?

No, nor is he one of the fat sons of Dale Murphy.

I see CTC is a recently crowned class B dungeon master.

I cannot FUCKING believe we traded Gabbard and his luscious-looking ass for ERIC FUCKING GAGNE.

I think Gabbard heard the ass comment. Keep heckling him, futuremrs!

In other news, Jed Lowrie!

That should satisfy her cravings.

Popplebuns are delicious. How do you think I got this wonderful physique? (well, aside from all the drinking and general laziness)

Is it just me, or did it suddenly get sexy in here?

I think futuremrsrickankiel almost hooked up with Remy last night.

Remy, eh? That would explain why "JERRY WUZ HERE" is scrawled across my breasts in black Sharpie. Also the nausea. Yeah, that would definitely explain the nausea.

Boy, baseball is such a great family pastime!


boobs joke > dick joke

Joe Thurston is black? Who knew?

Keep identifying the FSU alums and I'll be forced to give stars to all the UF-aligned commenters at Deadspin.

I can't watch my Flyers on TV tonight because of the stupid Bruins game.

Also, this would have been the first hockey game I've seen all year. THANKS FOR NOTHING, VERSUS!

Nippert pitched for Arizona last year, right? I feel like I remember giggling at his name during the NLCS. Probably because nothing else about that series was worth remembering.

GO BRUINS!!! Certain people can attest to the fact that I get, er, REALLY excited about hockey.

Gabbard must be weighted down with one of those heavy wheat bagels.

Ellsbury is so fast, he circled the bases on a ground ball.

Curt Schilling's wife is running the marathon too.

Hey, I just made a Curt Schilling's wife comment without dropping the C-Bomb!

Yeah, this is definitely the dude from the D-backs last year. He throws freaking HEAT. He was tossing 98 and 99 MPH K's against the Rockies without breaking a sweat. Cool!

Don't you like how I talk baseball to negate my frivolous comments from earlier? I'm so knowledgeable!

Was it a leadership pickle?


That's not a double play, it's Jenny's phone number. I saw it on the stall wall when I went to the turley.

OMG 'turlet'


I love the twelve different spelling variations for Clay Buckholtz' name.

Why are we talking about Don Orsillo's pants?


well at least the Sox won't get shut out on Patriots day like the one time I went in 1990. 18-0 Milwaukee. yikes.

You know that's why Thurston wears number 3, right? In honor of the venerable Thurston Howell III

This won't be a true liveglog unless you stop abruptly after 5 innings.

Why does that Native American have bacon on his face?


/needs a cold shower


This won't be a true liveglog unless I hate Ken Macha.

The more runs the Red Sox score, the less interest I have in this glog. Make them stop!

In that case, Rob, I guess they better TAKE OUT JED LOWRIE!

Not a good inning for Asian Areola

Milton Bradley plays left field about as well as he conducts himself in public, that is to say not very well!

Worst comment ever.

He can't just say "Milton Bradley sucks in left field"?

Ken Macha hit Jason Kendall 3rd at times while in Oakland. Stupid? Yes. Idiotic? ....yes.

Watching this game must be as boring as reading about it.

Ken Macha is to managing as Milton Bradley is to cooking a proper carbonara, that is not very well.

Also, he uses peas. Yuck.

Why does that Native American have bacon on his face?

Strip of bacon > single tear rolling down his cheek

There's never any silence when I'm pounding the strike zone.

Putting peas in carbonara is almost as bad as putting grapes in chicken salad.

If they needed a former manager in the booth so badly, why Ken Macha? What, were Lou Piniella and Dusty Baker busy? Oh...

Putting grapes in chicken salad is almost as bad as putting whole corn kernels in cornbread, but not quite as bad as putting Brad Lidge in a Phillies uniform.

Enough! About! The Seminoles!

Will the Rangers ever develop pitching? Oh they had Edinson Volquez and traded him away for more hitting? Nevermind.

In order to combat the drones of Ken Macha, I've resigned myself to watching up everything on YouTube under the search string "fat guy falls."

Jiegel just solved the Internet and why it exists.

@ Jiegel: excellent!
The springboard says: Enough!

This is not un-similar to my dad's three-hour-rule about attending baseball games. Once three hours have passed, he leaves. Someone's got three ding-dongs and is due to come up next inning? Three-hour rule. Someone's throwing a no-hitter? Too bad, three-hour rule. Tie game in the World Series? Three-hour rule!

Milton Bradley traded Macha's card for a blackjack cheat card, and then lost half his salary in four straight hands.

CTC, I'm so jealous of your festive location. I wish i had a Bert Roberts or a whole tree of Mendozas nearby to pass the dutchie to.

Boo-ush to Ken Macha!!!

Lugo must finally be over the parasites. Boo, parasites.

I am becoming very very uncomfortable with Orsillo's oral fixation with Ken Macha's peepee

I hope you weren't planning on actually being productive today on your day off, CTC.


My only regret is that that bus crash failed to destroy Ken Macha.

If I remember correctly this entire Ken-Macha-in-the-booth experiment was a train collision.

CTC, was Donny suggesting that Macha might have suffered brain damage in the crash? That would make more sense than what it sounds like just happened.

I was ready to rock out with my thing showing when I started watching that Piebald video, but the MFer kept blabbing on and on and on to the point where 70 seconds of his chicanery was more than I could handle.

Maybe next time. Oh, that was it? Hmmm.

Sweet. Much better.

5,000th time I've heard that song. First time I've heard it sober. Like the ending to The Big Lebowski.

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