The Lamp In The Corner, In Vain: Today's Afternoon Games

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  • 12:35, Astros at Reds: The Reds fired their GM, Wayne Krivsky yesterday, and hired former Cardinals head man, Walt Jocketty. Maybe he can help the Reds with their senior citizen lineup. Young Johnny Cueto, who could be the grandson of some of the guys in the field behind him, gets the start today against Jack Cassell.

  • 1:05, Rangers at Tigers: Sheesh that Rangers pitching staff is terrible. We figured it would be but the bullpen is super atrocious and everyone looks overworked before April has even ended. The Tigers have used this Texas staff to jumpstart the offense to the tune of 29 runs in the past two games. Jason Jennings and his 7.08 ERA will try and stop the bleeding, and Jeremy Bonderman goes for the Detroit.

  • 1:05, Phillies at Brewers: Rob already told you about Veggie Burger's two ding-dongs last night. He'll try and keep up that heart healthy slugging today against Jamie Moyer and the Phils. The Brewers send out Jeff Suppan. Moyer vs. Suppan on Thursday afternoon. This is what it's all about!

  • 1:35, Angels at Red Sox: In the rubber match of this series Justin Masterson makes his Major League debut, taking on the Angels and influenza. Terry Francona said of the spreading sickness, "Doctors are doing what they can. Everybody's trying to heed the best advice and also win a game at the same time and field a team." Jesus. Sounds like they're on the Oregon Trail.

  • 3:05, Cubs at Rockies: The hot to death Cubs send Jason Marquis to the hill against a Rockies team that's lost four straight and is near the bottom of the NL West. The Cubs came back on a ninth inning homer from Aramis Ramirez last night, while I was snoozing on the couch and dreaming about someone trying to remove one of my teeth with a letter opener.

  • 3:35, Twins at A's: The Francisco Liriano comeback tour hits Oakland this afternoon. A gentleman named "Greg Smith" starts for the A's and he has a blank grey shadow for a face. This is the first time in baseball history someone from the Witness Protection Program will start an afternoon game. For an AL West club.

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That explains the slow start for Big Papi; he had dysentary.

(To lamp): But you don't understand my point of view. I suppose there's nothing I can do-o-o. Did you stand by me? No, not at all. Did you stand by me? No way.

Most managers decide to ford the 2.5 foot deep river. Grady Little caulks the wagon and floats it.

Update to the Frank Thomas story: he signed with the A's for a prorated $337,000.

Time to cancel my waiver request for Mike Sweeney.

God I'm so sick of eating buffalo. WHY DO WE HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING BUFFALO?

Now all the A's need to do is fix Jack Cust's entire life and they'll eventually hit 20 HR's this year.

J Lowrie singled to center.

J Lugo struck out swinging.

Just copy and paste, everyone.

You can all jugul my balls in yor mouth.

Whooofdee did it just get sexy in here?

(that was in reference to Lowrie, not to anything involving my mouth and Todd Jones' balls)

It's always a shock when a caged tiger attacks his human master. The fuck did that tiger think he was? Some kind of tiger or something?

The Tigers are into their bullpen already. That game is going to be MLB's 1st* 40 run game.

*Didn't look it up but I can't imagine there has ever been one.

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