Todd Jones Has A New Dell Laptop And He's Not Afraid To Mash the Keys With His Stupid Paws

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neanderthal-man.jpgWho's the meth head at the Sporting News that green-lighted Todd Jones' blog? I vaguely remember reading this last year, but my brain has this cool survival function where it erases things that are trying to make me stupid.

Anyway, the tubby but ageless homophobe is back for a whole new season of boilerplate, bromide, and banality. Let's get his insider take on Opening Day:

"Baseball is a funny game, so funny things happen on opening day -- like they happen just about every day. But opening day or opening week does not make a season, even though it generates far more interest than most games."

What a dummy. A couple points here:

1. This column came out yesterday, but makes references to Opening Day as "today." Despite the fact that the piece looks like no editor has come within ten feet of it, it was actually being revised for a full week. Why even bother, Sporting News? Independent athlete blogs are precarious enough, but for a major publication to sponsor one, especially one by a noted knuckle dragger like Jones is kind of insulting.

B. Do Bob Costas, Rick Reilly et al, think that Jones wrote this in his underwear in his mother's basement? Frankly he's a more likely candidate than any blogger I'm friends with. Also, does reading this and getting access to the wit and wisdom of a pro athlete make me more like a real reporterâ„¢? So many questions.

Suck it, Todd Jones.

Addendum: I fear I may have jumped the gun here as I just read a piece he wrote last week and it's actually pretty insightful. I feel kind of bad and would like to send my condolences to the family of Todd Jones' ghostwriter who clearly died over the weekend.

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14 Comments

Shit he writes more gooder than me does write!

Funny like a clown? Does baseball amuse you, Todd?

Hopefully, enough athletes will get their own blogs and the movement will reach critical mass. In other words, we'll all fucking realize these people are (USUALLY) not interesting without a baseball or bat in their hands. (Manny being an exception)

Rob, I'm going to have to disagree with you on that... I think Dontrelle Willis being handed a computer is quite possibly the greatest thing to ever happen to the blogosphere. He likes crab legs! He has man-crushes on Juan Pierre and Dan Uggla! He gets excited when he sees little kids wearing Willis jerseys! If only he'd update more frequently.

I'm a little jealous of that caveman's beard.

@ Camp Tiger Claw

you stop taking those testosterone shots? well, you better jump back into your "routine" before you grow those boobs back....oh...too late!

I'd read Ryan Freel's blog. Farney's too.

The ghostwriter will be laid to rest at the Jones' burial plot, alongside Todd Jones' Fastball and Detroit Tigers 2008 World Series Chances.

I started reading your comment, futuremrsrickankiel, but then all of a sudd....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

BEES ARE ATTACKING ROB!!!! RUN!!!!!

SAVE YOURSELVES!

Oh, I'm sorry. What I meant to say was O AN HE SEXY.

Your world frightens and confuses me.

I assume a Mottram is involved only because there's always a Mottram involved.

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