Twins Fans Suffer Separation Anxiety

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New Angels center fielder Torii Hunter celebrated Opening Day by returning to his old plastic tarp-encrusted playground in Minnesota and going 0-for-4 with a double play and a ninth inning strikeout at the hands of former teammate Joe Nathan. Hunter's replacement Carlos Gomez went 2-for-3 with two runs, two stolen bases, and a couple good plays in the field as the Twins beat the Angels 3-2. And yet amid all this good news, the Minnesota fans were absolutely agog with Torii Hunter Lovin'©.

Maybe you joined me in watching this game on ESPN2 last night. The fans cheered Hunter as if he were a returning war hero and the announcers were falling over just to mention it. I actually saw a kid holding up a sign that read "This Is Torii Country". No kid. It ain't. He's an Angel of Anaheim now and his job is to try and help his team score more runs than your beloved Twins. It's time to give up the Torii Hunter Lovin'© and you gotta do it like you were breaking up with a girl. Move on immediately! No more late night drunken phone calls to Torii. No more meeting up for 'just a coffee' to 'talk about stuff'. No more scribbling "I <3 Torii" in your algebra notebook. No more leaving dead cats on Torii's front porch. Well, you can still leave the dead cats, but only if they're already dead.

It's too soon in his career to tell if Carlos Gomez will be a serviceable replacement in center field for the Twins, or even if he'll exceed anything Hunter ever did. Doesn't matter. He's your center fielder now, and Torii Hunter has run off with a much hotter and far wealthier guy than you.

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But he's so nice! And they're so nice! It's Minnesota, they can't be mean or they get no sauerkraut at dinner!

I thought the "hotter and wealthier" link was going to go to a pic of Arturo Moreno. He's so dreamy.

Oh, now Gery, you put yer sign down, there, hon. Taw-ree plays in Anaheim, ya know. You gotta rewt fer Lee-ree-ay-no, now. Now, go git yer backpeack.

Minnesota should just go out and have sex with a whole bunch of other outfielders and hope that it gets back to Torii so he knows what he's missing.

I'm sorry, what were we talking about again?

You guys got it all wrong. Minnesota should really just go on like they're still with Torii. Torii still loves you. MINNESOTA WILL NOT BE IGNORED!!!

Where am I?

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