Wait For It... Waaait For It: Today's Afternoon Games

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  • 1:05, Phillies at Mets: It's the final home opener for Shea Stadium. I'm sure you're already sick of the hoopla, what with Animal Planet running it's "Great Moments In Shea History" segments ad nauseum. The pitching matchup pits Jamie Moyer against Oliver Perez. I picked Chase Utley in that New York Daily News Player Pool for this week , so expect him to go 0-11 with ten strikeouts and one line drive directly off of his own face.

  • 2:05, Detroit at Boston: The Fenway home opener packed my bus with townies this morning. Excuse me, maam. Your Sox jersey, hat, jacket, earrings, sweatpants, coffee cup and logo emblazoned english muffin are all very becoming, but COULD YOU PLEASE MOVE TO THE BACK OF THE GODDAMNED BUS SO OTHER PEOPLE CAN GET ON? Kenny Rogers takes on Daisuke Matsuzaka in a duel I've dubbed, "The Gambler vs. The Japanese Guy." Clever, eh?

  • 2:05, Orioles at Rangers: Two teams that don't look nearly as horrible as I predicted collide in the Arlington home opener. Brian Burres takes the hill for the 2008 World Series Champion Orioles, while Jason Jennings looks to rebound from a tough firs start for the Rangers. Tamale!

  • 4:05, Yankees at Royals: The Yanks are in town for the Royals home opener and I expect a huge draw. You'll have the Royals fans flush with anticipation for the '08 season, and you'll also have the lame ass Kansas City teenagers who didn't have the balls to stick with the horrible Royals teams of the 90s and became Yankees fans. Young Phil Hughes toes the rubber for New York (I don't think that's the right way to put it on) and Brian Bannister does the same for the Royals.
Consider this your open thread for the afternoon game. We're building a community of slackers here, people.

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40 Comments

Brian Bannister wants Phil Hughes to get his toe off Brian's goddamned rubber.

1:05, Phillies at Mets: Go Meteor!

Bus full of people from the South Shore: Go Meteor!

Also forgot to mention that whole World Series Banner thing for the Red Sox. That must be really exciting for all of the rich people that got tickets today! Good for them.

Eastern Seaboard South of Philadelphia and North of Miami: Go Meteor!

STOP FUCKING PLUNKING CHUTLEY, OLIVER PEREZ! THAT'S TWICE NOW.

I don't think I get any points for that.

Ah.. the dulcet tones of Joe Castiglione.

Just kidding, I'm a Red Sox fan and as such I find Jason Varitek attractive.

(ick)

That picture is far too hirstute.

Sox leave 2 in scoring position. End of 1.

I believe it was Magglio Ordóñez that Lowell just flied out to, correct?

I have little squiggly things over my letters... be jealous.

Also, Kenny Rogers is terrible.

Yikes Coco, way to make it interesting. Thank God no one is being groomed to take your place or anything.

Oh goodie, a sacrifice fly... that Coco Crisp sure is one hot hitter.

(I'll take it)

The hawk just flew across the field. The crowd went nuts.

24 hour news coverage is a horrible thing.

WTF is this? Boston Dirt Dogs dot com?

No, that website fucking sucks.

that's not a hawk is a mogwhy

The Phillies today are about as effective as rubbing Dijon mustard on your genitals to get rid of warts.

Phillies just scored 2 runs because Delgado threw the ball into Utley's back.

They're still ineffective, but also tied at 2 with the SCHMETS.

Phillies up 3-2! Hey, Chase Utley has been hit by 3 pitches today and hit by 1 errant throw by Delgado. He's more bruised than a mouthy wife on St Patricks Day.

If one more Met bastard throws at my kitten-loving Prius-driving power-hitting boyfriend I'ma drive up to Flushing and dispense some justice.

Cajun style.

It's 4-2 Phillies. Delgado plays first like Buckner, except less celebrated and forgiven by his former antagonists.

Clare, your justice is deep-fried, thickened with okra, and flavored with bay leaves and cayenne pepper?

O's up by 4 and looking to go 6-1. Is Lee Mazzili managing these guys again?

I think it's Earl Weaver's corpse.

Bill Buckner is in the Sox radio booth. Called today a healing process. He has a warm voice. Nice guy. I have his autograph at home.

Ugh, my justice is making me hungry. Granola bar and grapefruit doesn't cut it for lunch.

Oh hey guys, what's going on in this chatroom?

WHO'S EXCITED FOR THE ROYALS GAME?!

BRIAN BANNISTER IS REAL

If James Lipton ever interviewed me on Inside the Actors' Studio, I think I'd have to say that the sound I love to hear most is 40,000 Mets fans booing their bullpen as Chutley whacks an RBI double to deep right field.

The Met fans at Shea should cheer up when they play Rick Astley

I just heard Shea get RickRoll'd. The thing is fucking real.

Did they really play Rick Astley?! I couldn't hear it on the radio!

Does anyone even LIKE Magglio Ordóñez?

Nice to see Baltimore hanging in there after 7 1/2. Maybe this will make up for that 30-3 whompfest they suffered at the Rangers' hands last year?

Also, I would willingly partake in a whompfest involving Jarrod Saltalamacchia.

Jimmy Rollins has a left ankle sprain.

Whoopsie-doo!

Mets lose, Mets lose.

[dances around office]

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