Wednesday Afternoon Liveglog Club: Brewers @ Cubs, 04/02/08

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2B Rickie Weeks
CF Gabe Kapler
1B Prince Fielder
LF Ryan Braun
3B Bill Hall
RF Corey Hart
SS J.J. Hardy
RHP Jeff Suppan
C Jason Kendall

SS Ryan Theriot
LF Alfonso Soriano
1B Derrek Lee
3B Aramis Ramirez
RF Kosuke Fukudome
2B Mark De Rosa
C Geovany Soto
CF Felix Pie
LHP Ted Lilly

Thanks to the Brewers Blog for providing a lineup. It's a shame that the Cubs blogs in the Chicago newspapers SUCK, so I stole this from the comments at Bleed Cubbie Blue.

I will be listening to the Cubs radio team, Pat Hughes and Ron Santo. I promise to not make any amputee jokes because (a) it's cruel and (2) he deserves to be in the hall of fame. One of the best third basemen ever. With our without legs.

The glog starts soon, after the jump:

2:10: Yes, that is former Red Sock Gabe Kapler in center field for the Brew Crew. Mike Cameron is serving his suspension and Tony Gwynn Jr. sucks against lefties, so Kapler gets the nod today. But I suppose manager Ned Yost has a ton of faith in the kid, batting him second.

2:15: According to the MLB Gameday thinger, the weather in Chicago is cold. Wait a's cold in Chicago in early April? Well slap my belly and call me Roker.

2:20: First pitch is coming up soon. I have it on good word that Chicago Bear tight end Greg Olsen will be 'singing' Take Me Out to the Yadda Yadda during the seventh inning stretch later.

2:25: Jesu Cristo. Rickie Weeks hits a home run to left field on the first pitch. Mercy, the wind is blowing out like whoa today.

2:28: Kapler follows up by flying out to Fukudome. Cecil Fielder pops out to Theriot. Hughes is telling us about the Cubs' uniforms, as if they have ever changed, ever. HOWEVER, the Cubs have a new 'surface'. "It's much flatter" says Hughes. Duh? What the fuck was it before? Sloped? This reminds me of someone I heard of recently who bought a condo with a sloped floor. For $1 million. Only in NYC! Braun K's to end the inning. 1-0 Brewers.

2:33: Theriot grounds out. Soriano pops out to Fielder, who needed to make a running catch because of the wind. Hey, Weeks...cover the big man on these pop-ups today, you slacker. Derrek Lee collects himself a double. Methinks the wind played Corey Hart for a fool. For a fool, I tell you!

2:52: Ramirez grounds out, I get a phone call, and I miss the entire second inning. No worries, nothing really happened.

2:56: Seriously, who the hell thinks they can interrupt me during a liveglog? Lilly got hisself two strikeouts in the second inning. Fukudome walked in the bottom of the inning but was erased on a De Rosa GIDP. Suppan strikes out looking to start the third. Gah, baseball!

2:58: Jason Kendall is enjoying his shame batting ninth in the National League. I bet Yost thinks he's doing something smart, but it doesn't help to have your "second leadoff" guy with a .005 OBP. Kendall gets lucky, though; he reaches first because Aramis Ramirez couldn't handle his lame ground ball. E-5.

3:01: Santo just joked about his double amputation, so 'leg' and 'diabetes' puns are TOTALLY in play! Woo! Also in play, Rickie Weeks' shallow fly out to center.

3:04: Another famous amputee: surfer Bethany Hamilton (lost her arm in a shark attack). Home plate umpire Fielden Culbreth calls a balk as Lilly attempts to pick off Kendall at first. Lou Piniella is arguing the call, but is not getting heated. Kendall moseys down to second, astounded at his good luck. Kapler lazily flies out to Soriano and the inning is done.

3:08: Felix Pie leads off. Wonder how his nuts are doing...Ron? Pat? Anyone? Oh well, he flies out to Braun on the first pitch, so we'll have to wait a couple innings to find out. Anybody know any famous amputees besides the folks on this list? I mean, didn't John Wayne have his leg chopped off right before dying? Lilly grounds out to Hardy. Two down. Just like Santo's legs.

3:11: Hughes mentions sponsor Dairy Queen and Ron Santo admits he loves the soft ice cream at DQ. He also admits he has to avoid it a lot. Does Santo talk about sugary treats all the time? WTF? Theriot rips a two-out base hit to center. Soriano is up. Hey Jiegel, stop stealing my thunder.

3:13: Theriot is off with the pitch but Soriano grounds out to third. Shame. Lets play the fourth!

3:16: Prince Fielder leads off the top of the fourth. Is his middle name "Isntaverygood"? He pops up to Soriano. I know it's only the second game but how long until Fielder hits his first home run? Is Marquis pitching tomorrow?

3:19: Braun lines a double off the glove of Aramis Ramirez. Santo defends Aramis by saying it wasn't an easy play, but c'mon. We all know he's a slacker. Hughes just promoted the Attendance Quiz, coming up in a later inning. I shit you not. How bourgeois. Lilly is really working the pickoff throws today. C'mon, Ted. Focus on batter Bill Hall! Let's keep this game moving.

3:22: Hughes thanks the listeners for all the faxes they've received. Yep, please join me in welcoming WGN Radio to 1980s technology. Bill Hall lines a single to center, driving in Braun. Pie missed the cutoff man so Hall scampers to second. 2-0 Brewers.

3:23: Corey Hart doubles to center and drives in Bill Hall. 3-0 Brewers. I TOLD YOU TO NOT FOCUS ON THE RUNNERS, LILLY.

3:25: J.J. Hardy is up. Oh, it looks like Marquis isn't pitching until Saturday, against the Astros. Lance Berkman is oiling his bat in anticipation at this very moment. Hardy pops out to Soriano, two down. Ramirez charges a Suppan grounder, throws off line to Lee who tags out Suppan on his way to first. Inning over. To the bottom of the fourth!

3:29: Santo has a fax from Henry Coleman but has trouble reading it. Hughes has to help him sound out the "Coleman" part. Jesus this is painful. Oh, hey, Derrek Lee hit a home run. WHATS ON THE FAX THOUGH?

3:32: I think the fax mentions Coleman's friend who died of cancer on Monday, whose dying wish was to have a drink with Pat and Ron. My mind is completely boggled. Aramis Ramirez draws a walk after working the count full. Suppan's pitch count is nearing 483 already.

3:37: Fukudome walks again. Seriously, is it impossible for Americans to get him out? strikes out swinging on what would be ball four, and Kendall throws out Ramirez stealing at second. Just like that: two out. Santo sighs heavily, and I'm not sure if it's because of the double play or because his blood sugar is low. Hey, Jon Lieber is warming up for the Cubs. Huh? DeRosa doubles past Ryan Braun. Guess that outfield work is just as hard as infield work, eh Ryan?

3:40: Geovany Soto is fouling off a bunch of Suppan's offerings. How rude. Commit to fair terrority, Geovany! He works hisself a full count, and then strikes out like a sucker. 3-1 Brewers after four innings. Suppan is 70 pitches deep already.

3:43: Kendall, Weeks and Kapler will face Lilly this inning. I guess that Lieber thing was just a red herring. Like Communism. Kendall doubles to lead off the inning and thinks about stretching it into a triple, but then remembers the five hot dogs he had during the pregame buffet.

3:46: Lilly gets Rickie Weeks to pop out to De Rosa who had ranged into foul territory. See Rickie? That's how a second baseman helps out his first baseman friend. Kapler grounds out to Ramirez who uses his magic powers to hold Kendall at second base. It was either that or the hot dog thing.

3:49: Fielder got hit by a pitch in the ribs and takes first; it is his sovereign right as Prince. Mmm....ribs... Oh, hey, pitching change. Piniella is bringing in righty Kevin Hart to face Ryan Braun.

3:52: DOUBLE SWITCH! Mike Fontenot comes in to bat ninth and play second base. Kevin Hart will replace Mark De Rosa in the lineup. The pitching change backfires as Ryan Braun singles to left field, driving in Kendall, who is now puking up hotdogs in the dugout. 4-1 Brewers, and Braun scampers to second on the throw.

3:55: Bill Hall pops out to Fontenot, thus ending the inning and putting a temporary stop to Piniella's nightmares.

3:58: The game is half done, not unlike the chicken I had at dinner the other night. Pie flies out to center and Fontenot grounds out to second. Two quick outs for Suppan, which blows my friggin mind.

4:01: The good feelings for Suppan are over, as Theriot beats out an infield single. He's speedy, that little Cajun. Santo casually mutters that it'd be 'kinda nice' if Soriano hit one out. Really? Ya think? Got money on the game, Ron? Gabe Kapler makes a running catch in the gap on a Soriano dying quail. Inning over. Sorry, Ron!

4:05: On this date in 1996, Cecil Fielder stole his first ever base. Kevin Hart walks Corey Hart, and Corey honors his teammate's deadbeat dad by stealing second.

4:08: Tomorrow's matchup is Ryan "Ninja" Dempster versus Dave Bush. In unrelated news, the Cubs don't visit Milwaukee until the end of July? Hart steals third, eliciting a "gee whiz!" and a "gosh!" from Ron Santo. Ron Santo deserves to be in the hall of fame, but certainly not for his announcing skills.

4:11: Hardy grounds out to first and leaves Corey standing on third like a fat girl on prom night. Pitcher Jeff Suppan is at bat now, and he strikes out looking. Corey Hart: still the fat girl on prom night. Jason Kendall is up; I have a feeling he digs the fat chicks as he draws a walk, giving Corey Hart one more chance to 'score'.

4:16: Kendall steals second and Soto throws the ball to the right of Fontenot, right into center field. Corey Hart walks home, Brewers lead 5-1. Ron Santo is simply beside himself now. Wild pitch for Kevin Hart and Kendall moves to third. God, it must suck to be a Cubs fan. Weeks strikes out, though, to mercifully end the inning.

4:20: Chicago Bears tight end Greg Olsen is in the booth. Don't get too close to Santo! He's contagious! Blah blah blah football yadda yadda yadda. Just tell me what's happening in the game, Hughes. Oh hey, Derrek Lee hit a 400 foot fly out. That's exciting. Back to the football guy!

4:23: Ramirez hits a very long fly ball but it's foul. Back to the football guy! Cliche cliche cliche touchdown cliche cliche didnt play well as a team. Lambeau Field yadda yadda yadda Brian Griese blah blah blah really exciting moment etc etc etc.

4:26: Ramirez pops out in foul territory. There Are Two Outs. Greg's brother Chris Olsen is a QB at UVa? Nobody told me this. Oh, he graduated and he's in the business world now. He's the lesser Olsen, like Ashley. Kosuke Fukudome grounds out to Suppan sending this game to the seventh and sending Olsen to warm up his vocal cords for the seventh inning stretch. Sigh.

4:29: Michael Wuertz is the new Cubs pitcher. True story: when Michael was growing up, he was a real pain, so his parents called him Brat Wuertz. Wuertz takes Hart's spot in the lineup, so there is no double switch. Kapler singles to right.

4:33: Fielder drops a single into right field; we've got first and second with nobody out for the Brewers. Wuertz attempts a pickoff throw to second, but Kapler gets back safely. Who knew Jews could run? Hughes mentions that on this date in 2003, Santo burned a chunk of his hairpiece. Santo has a laugh about it, but then nearly takes the Lord's name in vain after Braun singles to center. Bases loaded! Nobody out!

4:37: Bill Hall strikes out. Corey Hart strikes out. Hardy flies out. Nice fucking rally, Brewers. "Let's get some runs now," says Santo. Oh! Greg Olsen is singing. Not so bad...he sounds like J. Mascis except gayer.

4:42: Glognoucement: the liveglog will end after the seventh inning. If you'd like to follow the progress of the game after this point, please boot up MLB Gameday. If you still need some snark, just email CTC and have him riff on the Blue Jays bloggers or something.

4:45: Suppan gets pinch hitter Ronny Cedeno to pop out. He's over 100 pitches now. Geovany Soto hits a home run to left center, inching the Cubs closer. It's 5-2 now. Ned Yost is pulling Suppan now.

4:48: Salomon Torres is your new Brewers pitcher now.

4:53: Pie lines a single to right field. Torres replaced Suppan in the lineup so again I don't get to practice my double switching skills. Fontenot grounds a single through the right side of the infield. Two on, one out.

4:56: Theriot flies out, Fontenot steals second, and Soriano strikes out. The game is headed to the eighth and I am headed out the door. Enjoy the rest of the game, y'all!

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Gabe Kapler! What an inspiring comeback story of love, loss, and redemption.

Just kidding. That guy sucks.

Pat Hughes' real name is Virgil. I saw it on his wiki.

I've also seen his wiki.

Which means his dick.

Some people think that Neddy Yost is using the ole 2nd leadoff strategy, when in all actuality every Brewer pitcher is just a better at batting than Jason Kendall.

Also, Pat Hughes is really, really good. Ron Santo... well, he sure was a helluva 3rd baseman!

It's been so long since Jason Kendall hit a home run, Ron Santo leapt for it at the warning track.

/what are you looking at?

Ricky Weeks is so good when his wrist isn't splintering into a dozen pieces.

The fantasy gods have smoten me already.

Eric Young has a sloped head. I'm not sure if he owns a condo.

"What the fuck was it before, sloped?"

As a matter of fact it was. It was so crowned for rain drainage that you couldn't see the right fielder from the 3rd base dugout.

/Prince Field Dick Joke.

did anybody ever go to i think the site is down now, but to give you an idea of its content....

this site was operated by a man

btw, brewers could REALLY use mike cameron.

Fuck you, do me.

It's been so long since Jason Kendall hit a home run, the diamond in Lou Piniella's ass was still a piece of coal.

Jiegel's link is NSFS

Not safe for straights.

Hey Gabe Kapler, all the scrawny Jews in the world called, they want their muscle back.

The suspense is killing me. Stupid IT overlords and their banning of internet radio and gameday thingies.

Now I have to wait for Rob to think of a funny way to tell us that Aramis popped out or something.

Derek Lee is good at hitting.

It seems like something should have happened in the 15 minutes since DLee hit a double.

Did Santo die or something?

Hmm. Sometimes radioglogging at work can present unforseen problems.

Watch me tapdance!

Hey Senator Mitchell, Gabe Kapler called, he wants his steroids back.

How long before Sweet Lou realizes Fukudomay should be leading off, and Theriot should be batting behind Jason Kendall?

Hooray for balks!

Joking about double amputation? Man, what a stand up guy.

Hey Gabe Kapler, your wife called, she wants her huge breasts back.

Aramis Ramirez would have trouble Fielden Culbreath.

Ron Santo: "I love Dairy Queen ice cream. When you mention Dairy Queen, I have to think about it."

maybe if you'd laid off the DQ you'd be in Cooperstown, fatty.

Fact: Santo's toupee once caught on fire in the booth during a game.
Fact: Lilly's full name is Theodore Roosevelt Lilly.
Fact: I didn't check to see if he's on the list, but Lt. Dan from Forest Gump was a double amputee, and went on to run a successful shrimp business.
Fact: I have no idea why I'm using the old "Fact:" format. It's kind of gay.

Fielder had 11 home runs in first 8 at bats last year.

It's raining doubles! I approve.

Hughes thanks the listeners for all the faxes they've received.

All of the ad copy is written on ditto sheets.

Ugh. I guess Hall's was a single. Bad Gameday.

You know why Jeff Suppan has thrown so many pitchers? Because he fucking sucks.

Fact: It's not that gay

-red-headed girl from The Kids In The Hall

It is hard to watch him sometimes, well, most of the time. Compared to Claudio Vargas he is lighting quick.

Santo also loves Olive Garden's authentic Italian food.

How the fuck does Kendall throw ANYONE out? This annoys me greatly.

Hey Rob, I have a sneaky suspicion that the "phone call" that held up the liveglog was actually the last part of Ron & Fez. Please set your inno to record from noon to three on future Wednesdays.

Geovany Soto owns a handbag store with So Taguchi called

So Taguchi & Geovany Soto's Gucci Sto'

That hit his tit I think. Or ribs.

Ha, no...I wasn't listening to Ron & Fez today. But I AM starving. We got any ribs back there?

Are they whole hot dogs?

Bill Hall, all your crying don't do no good. Come on up to the house.

The game is half done, not unlike the chicken I had at dinner the other night.

You should have sent the chicken back. Like the Brewers should do with Eric Gagne.

Or at least asked for another one that was done all the way through. Like Eric Gagne.

Hey Gabe Kapler, Katz's Deli called, they want their hot fuckin pastrami sandwich back.

It's been so long since Jason Kendall hit a home run that... Ryan Dempster just put him on base?

I thought Dempster's nickname was "Cum"

Soto threw to not Fontenot.

I once got accused by a girl of treating her like a "cum dumpster."

Jason Kendall is no prize pig, but he's a step up from Johnny Estrada. Dude was so slow if he raced a pregnant woman, he'd come in third.

Greg Olsen went to the U, right?

Push him out the window.

Mike Wuertz?

No, my Kuertz!

/bans myself.


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