Wednesday Afternoon Liveglog Club: Dodgers @ Diamondbacks, 04/09/08

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Thanks to the good people at the LA Daily News (read: Tony Jackson), I have obtained the lineup for today's matchup:

Rafael Furcal. SS
Matt Kemp. CF
Andre Ethier. RF
Jeff Kent. 2B
James Loney. 1B
Russell Martin. C
Blake DeWitt. 3B
Juan Pierre. LF
Hiroki Kuroda. P


Chris Young. CF
Eric Byrnes. LF
Orlando Hudson. 2B
Conor Jackson. 1B
Mark Reynolds. 3B
Justin Upton. RF
Augie "Doggie" Ojeda. SS
Robby "Banana" Hammock. C
Micah Owings. P

Pre-game thoughts: Joe Torre has quite the quandary on his large Italian-American hands when he fills out his lineup card: four mediocre outfielders and Andre Ethier. Andruw Jones is slumping, Juan Pierre outright sucks, Delwyn Young has a funny first name, and Matt Kemp never got a tag at Walkoff Walk. Today, Andruw Jones is the odd man out.

Unlike last year where they couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with a cowpie, Arizona currently leads the majors in runs scored. It's still early, but don't tell Chris Young, Mark Reynolds, or Justin Upton; they've combined for 12 home runs so far. A cursory glance at the batting stats for the team shows that only Eric Byrnes is underperforming expectations. Odd, because he was the only member of the team last year who could (a) hit or (b) paddle.

Onto the liveglog! Click through and follow after the jump.

3:40: Owings has himself a strike with the first pitch. It's 70 degrees and sunny in 'Zona; the roof is open at Chase Field.

3:43: Your radio guys today are Greg Schulte and Tom Candiotti. Did you know that Candiotti played Hoyt Wilhelm in Billy Crystal's schlockfest movie 61*? Yeah, knuckleballers playin' knuckleballers. Furcal gets HBP and Kemp singles.

3:46: Ethier flies out deep to Upton. Jeff Kent is up, so get your motorcycle jokes ready. Nevermind, he just flew out to shallow center.

3:49: It's Tenth Anniversary Weekend soon in Arizona. They'll be welcoming back members of the inaugural 1998 expansion team. Believe it or not, Craig Counsell won't make it because he's still being paid to play baseball. James Loney is up and he grounds out to Owings to end the inning.

3:54: So anybody know anything interesting about Hiroki Kuroda? I can't rely on Tom Candiotti to tell me anything, let alone even be able to pronounce his name. Chris Young strikes out swinging.

3:57: Okay, so Kuroda makes his home in Hiroshima. Must...hold back...jokes... Eric Byrnes grounds out to third. Kuroda has only thrown strikes so far and works quickly. He's the anti-Trachsel! Orlando Hudson flies out right away to further prove my point.

4:00: The Diamondbacks came into the league the same year as the Devil Rays, right? Do you think Tampa Bay is celebrating the 10 year anniversary too? I mean, they've never even won 70 games in a season. Russell Martin grounds out bringing up third basekid Blake DeWitt.

4:03: DeWitt walks. Juan Pierre, he of the .067 batting average, is up now. If you are bored, go check out Ken Jennings' list of the best bands to come out of each American state. Discuss amongst yourselves. Pierre hits a dribbler down the third baseline that jussssssst goes foul.

4:06: Pierre hits a pretty high shot into the gap that turns out to be a double. Upton gets it back into second to hold Pierre to a double. Run scores, 1-0 Dodgers.

4:09: Kuroda is up now. Let's see if Pierre tries to steal third. Glad to see Todd Jones the blogger has joined us in the comment section today. Welcome, Todd! Owings ever so slowly strikes out Kuroda, bringing up Furcal.

4:12: Furcal lines out to Conor Jackson and we're headed to the bottom of the second. In other news, Aerosmith is allegedly from New Hampshire and not Boston? Huh?

4:15: I'm not sure if the game itself is moving too slowly or if Candiotti and Schulte are putting me to sleep. Conor Jackson just flew out to right fi...zzzzzzzzz.

4:18: Mark Reynolds flies out bringing up Justin Upton. At least Kuroda works quickly. Micah Owings and his batterymate Robby Hammock keep meeting on the mound to either (a) discuss pitches or (b) figure out the best band to ever come out of Montana. Hey, Upton gets a single! Good on ya.

4:21: Am I allowed to root for one of these teams when I liveglog? I don't "like" the Diamondbacks but I do "dislike" the Dodgers. Thoughts? In other news, Kuroda keeps throwing to first to keep Upton honest; he is now the Japanese Steve Trachsel. Ojeda grounds out to end the inning.

4:27: Kemp grounds out then Ethier hits one off the wall in left-center and strolls into second with a double. Futuremrsrickankiel just cyber-swooned. Jeff Kent is up. I can't believe Kent still has a job and Barry Bonds does not. What gives?

4:30: Kent lines out and Ethier has the wherewithal to not get doubled up. Where did the word wherewithal come from anyway? Loney ropes one to center but Chris Young eats it up, ending the top of the third.

4:33: Hammock, Owings and Young are your batters this inning. Remember last season when Owings hit like 80 home runs? Yeah, that was pretty cool. Hammock grounds out and Owings does the same. Keep those batters moving, Hiroki! Haste makes waste!

4:36: Young strikes out for the second time, this time looking. I believe I may have cursed the Snakes by pimping their offensive output earlier...either that or Hiroki Kuroda is the Japanese Sandy Koufax.

4:39: Hey, did you hear that the Orioles beat the Rangers in Texas' home opener yesterday? I also heard that they won't be having any beer at The Ballpark in Arlington this season. Micah Owings may be having arm problems...the D-Backs medical staff was just examining his arm on the mound, but the kid is staying in the picture. Catcher Russell Martin leads off for the Dodgerinos with a groundout.

4:42: Owings still has his stuff, as he breaks DeWitt's bat. Blake grounds out. Yes, they won't be having beer in Arlington because they lost the opener. Buck Martinez told that stupid fucking joke on the MLB morning show on XM today. I almost drove my car off the goddamned interstate. Juan Pierre can haz a single.

4:45: Friend of Walkoff Walk (FoWoW) Daniel McQuade has a new weekly column for the Philadelphia alt-weekly about drugs. Go read him. Well, later. Kuroda just struck out to end the top of the fourth.

4:48: There is an attack ad for 'those memory foam mattresses' on the local Arizona radio station. It's like a political ad, except for sleeping. This astounds me becau...zzzzzzzzzzzz.

4:51: Hey, Farthammer is back! Good on ya, friend. Eric Byrnes leads off for the D-Backs, who have but one hit in three innings. Hiroki Kuroda is masterful so far; he's like the Japanese Hideo Nomo. On this date in 1974 , with his Padres losing their home opener 8-2, owner Ray Kroc took to the PA system and apologized to his fans, saying he had never seen anything so bad in his life. Byrnes singles.

4:54: Hudson grounds one to first baseman Loney who throws it WAY over Furcal's head trying to get Byrnes out at second. Byrnes moves to third and Hudson reaches on an error. Ray Kroc was later chastised by commish Bowie Kuhn. And that's your Tempurpedic Mattress On This Date in History!

4:57: Kuroda hits Conor Jackson; it's his third HBP in two days by Dodgers pitching. They've hit 5 batters overall. Ouch, it hit him in the wrist. That's gotta hoit! In other news, the Reds have made some sweeping lineup changes, yet Corey Patterson still bats leadoff. Sigh. Jackson is okay. After a short injury delay, we are back underway.

5:00: Mark Reynolds is up. He leads the NL in homers (5) and RBI (12), leading dozens of readers to wonder "who?" Reynolds collects his second RBI on a groundout to third. Hudson and Jackson advance to third and second respectively. Justin Upton is up...ton.

5:01: The pitch gets past Russell Martin and Hudson is coming down the third base line...Martin throws to Kuroda covering home and Hudson is....out!

5:02: Upton gets a single and brings Jackson in. Arizona takes a 2-1 lead. Excitement! I think even Candiotti is awake now.

5:05: Augie Ojeda lines a double past Pierre who manages to cut it off and hold Upton at third. Hammock gets intentionally walked, bringing up Silver Slugger Micah Owings.

5:06: Owings strikes out and does not 'help his own cause'. That is one of the durst cliches in baseball. Stop it, announcers.

5:10: Chris Burke replaces Conor Jackson at first base for Arizona. Jackson has been hit so many pitches, Clare is having phantom Utley pains. Furcal collects a double to lead off the 5th.

5:13: Kemp grounds out to Ojeda as Furcal scampers to third. You say that Furcal scampers because he weighs less than 200 lbs. Otherwise, Furcal would have lumbered to third. Ethier flies out to Chris Young in center and Furcal tags to tie the game at 2-2. Two outs now. Wait...Kent just flew out to end the inning.

5:18: It's the bottom of the fifth which, at Walkoff Walk, is always the Triple Play inning. If the Dodgers turn a triple play, the first commenter to answer this trivia question gets a star at Deadspin. Q. What is my favorite band ever ever ever? Chris Young leads off with a single.

5:19: Byrnes flies out and the possibility of a triple play is DEAD. Sorry, fuckers.

5:24: Hudson flies out. Chris Burke comes up for his first ever at-bat versus the Japanese Boof Bonser. The trivia answer was R.E.M., folks, a fact which I'm sure Supermike would enjoy. We are informed that Rick Pitino might be in the stands. Well, Tom and Greg, Santa Claus might be in the stands too but why bring it up if you don't know for sure? Burke keeps fouling pitches off...just end the goddamned inning!

5:27: Burke hates me. He singled. Sigh. Here comes Mark Reynolds! Put on your cheering hats! Oh shit, he struck out. /takes off cheering hat

5:30: Well, only assholes would end a liveglog after the fifth inning of a tie game. And I'm a card-carrying, dues-paying, membership-having asshole. Sayonara and thanks for joining us!!! Talk to you all tomorrow morning (P.S. James Loney just hit a home run: 3-2 Dodgers)

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Here's my pregame thought:

Fuck you guys.

Good thing the Dodgers are playing Andruw $18M this year and next.

Only as long as we promise to keep the literary references to a minimum. I had to Wiki half of the comments in the last post. I was a TV major in college, for chrissake.

I had no idea Chase Field had a roof.

This liveglog makes me want to throw garbage onto the field.

Did you know Dave Dravecky is playing the drummer for Def Leppard in an upcoming VH1 biopic?

Q: What's the best way to fuck a motorcycle?

A: Line the tailpipe with balogna then stick your dick in there!

Ohmigod I hope Jorge Fabregas shows up.

Now this is the kind of humor that I can get in to.


Hiroki Kuroda destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.

That what you had in mind, Iracane?

I saw Hiroki Kuroda scissorkick Angela Lansbury

If Orlando Hudson keeps hitting like that, he'll be back hawking 7-UP in no time.

I got really fucked up drinkin Andre and huffin raw Ethier last night.

The key to getting out the heart of the Dimindbacks ordar is not to eat handful of change.

Juan Pierre is back!

Tuesdays at 6 on MyTV!

Todd Jones is all well and good, but whither Farthammer?

I told you Juan Pierre had hustle and grit and heart! That sub-.100 average doesn't mean anything because he leads the league in winnability.

re: Jennings' list

Can we agree that Good Charlotte should never be best anything?

re: Jennings List

How can someone be into Built To Spill and still act like he does?

It's those fucking bees again!!!

Narcoleptic Iracane!

Micah is more of an Allman Brothers guy than R.E.M.

I think Irancane should measure a few more coffeespoons into his life if he wants to stay awake for this game.

Hits from Upton = I beat CTC in fantasy baseball this week.

Ojeda? Bob Ojeda.

The first month of fantasy baseball can blow me. It's impossible to tell the guys who are off to slow starts (Hunter Pence) from the guys who are just shitty (Hunter Pence?).

Just got this update from the Cleveland game:

"wow garret anderson hit a home run
paul byrd sucks"

Just got this update from MLB '99 on Sony Playstation



Funny you should say that. I got the update after being paged by Buck Martinez.


I get all of my pertinent info from Gary Miller

The Japanese Sandy Koufax? You couldn't have used a name with R's and L's, just so we could make the jokes? You sure he isn't the Japanese Loger Cremens?

See, if the D-Backs had drastically overpaid for Kuroda, he would be the Japanese Daisuke Matsuzaka.

the fuck is a Dodgerino

The Japanese Lorrie Fingels!

There may be no beer at the Ballpark at Arlington, but there will be complimentary execution of the retarded before the 6th inning.

See Rob, see how much fun we have with exaggerated cultural stereotypes?

+1 placekicker

Lest we forget, the Japanese are all blind morons who can't tell the difference between David Ortiz and a fat white guy.

Holy shit. Don't ever go to Vegas for longer than 3 days. And if you do, then don't follow that up with going back to your place in SF and dealing with hippy protesters.
I am about to drink a beer and furiously sturb it to mental pictures of Angela Lansbury getting scissor-kicked by Hiroki Kuroda.

I won't have you sum up the work of angels as "hippy protesters." Not here, not now, not ever. That Olympic Torch has wronged so many, it must be put DOWN.

Good point. That fucking torch took our jobs!

I just fell thru a skylite.

@ Farthamer: One could make the argument that the Olympic Torch is just doing the job that American Fire doesn't want to do.

That's it, Hudson. Back to the UP YOURS jokes.

Well maybe if they offered American Fire a fair wage and suitable benefits, American Fire would do it.

You guys wanna start a band called American Fire?

@ CTC: Sounds like a Springsteen tribute band to me.

I can't believe Rob hasn't said "cunt" yet.

Who wants to sing lead vocals?

The only thing better than working from home after a week-long bender, is working from home and continuously refreshing a liveglog of an NL game I could care less about and seeing a shout-out from Iracane.
The only way this could get any better is if the Giants all die from rhino fever and let the A's move into that stadium.

You say that Furcal scampers because he weighs less than 200 lbs. Otherwise, Furcal would have lumbered to third.

And if they weigh over 600 you say "Airlifted out of Fond Du Lac, Wisconsin."

Q. What is my favorite band ever ever ever?

Wait, from which state?

Well, now I look stupid. +1 CTC

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