What's Up, Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt This Week

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stretcher.JPGHey, guys. I'm going to make this short and sweet: ALL DAYS SPENT ON THE DISABLED LIST MUST BE CLEARED WITH HUMAN RESOURCES. Anyone that does not have the approved paperwork will not receive checks while on the DL, and all funds will instead be transferred to Pascual Perez. Thank you for your cooperation.

  • Erik Bedard, Mariners: This overpaid invalid hit the DL with "hip inflammation" this week. What's next, old man? Incapacitating liver spots? He's only expected to miss one start.

  • Joe Borowski, Indians: After blowing Monday night's game against the Sox, Borowski hit the showers then the 15 Day DL. He's got a strained right triceps which manager Eric Wedge says happened in camp. Way to put him out there with the game on the line then, coach! Borowski said he felt like he was going to the mound "with an unloaded gun", to which I say: Told you not to get that vasectomy.

  • Alfonso Soriano, Cubs: Soriano's strained right calf has landed him on the DL, and there's been some bruhaha related to just how he did it. Just before catching a routine fly from Ken Griffey, Soriano performed his patented "hop," and strained the muscle. Old, out of shape, blowhards like Steve Rosenbloom are taking the opportunity to call Soriano's move "stupid" from the comfort of their wheely desk chairs. Attack Soriano's (awful) contract and the front office that signed him to it all you want. To call the way he has always played the game "stupid" because it leads to one stint on the DL is the hackiest thing I've ever seen. Jesus, that sounds like something Jay Mariotti would do. Oh wait, he did.

  • Dontrelle Willis, Tigers: D-Train had an enventful week. He made his first trip to the DL with a hyperextended right knee, he plead guilty to a lesser charge in his old DUI case, and then started a throwing program to heal his knee! Phew. Poor lil fella probably needs a nap.

  • Shane Victorino, Phillies: Hey, did you know Shane Victorino is from Hawaii!? Me neither, no one ever mentions it. Hey, did you know he's also a huge wimp? The speedy but delicate outfielder hurt his hamstring last weekend and was placed on the DL, for the second time in as many seasons. It's not as severe as it was last season, which leads me to conclude that all Hawaiians are lazy and hate to work.

  • Marlon Byrd, Rangers: Byrd (who looks NOTHING like his brother Paul) has inflammation in his knee which is probably contributing to the deflation in his numbers. Dude was hitting .129 before going on the DL. When I asked for comment, Byrd's teammate Milton Bradley said he "was going to fucking kill" me.

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People To Punch List:
#1: Jay Mariotti
#2: Jack Johnson
#3: Pope Benedict XVI
#4: My Anger Management Coach

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