You know how women can have that surgery that makes their ladyparts all "like new again?" I think that's the real reason the following baseball players are out this week.
- Eric Byrnes, Diamondbacks: Byrnes is out with "leg issues," which is a moronic ailment fit for a moron. Care to be a little more vague Eric? Did you slap your legs too hard laughing at the new Meow Mix commercial? Did you impale yourself with a screwdriver trying to open a can of Franks n' Beans? I gotta know man!
- Jermaine Dye, White Sox: Mr. Dye strained his groin. Ouch. That's the one that keeps your dick attached. Teammate Jerry Owens said, "A strain? Who gives a shit? I straight tore my dick attacher and you don't see me crying." Dye had been hitting pretty well, with a .319 avg going into last night.
- Jake Westbrook, Indians: Jake Westbrook sucks. And when he's not sucking he's hurt. This week it's a strained muscle in his ribcage. Somehow all this sucking and getting hurt doesn't prevent Westbrook from making like $25M between now and 2010. Too bad they can't give any of that money to Sabathia.
- Carlos Guillen, Tigers: Just as the Tigers offense is beginning to come together, Guillen is out indefinitely with a severely bruised right knee. Jim Leyland (that asshole) says Guillen "can't even walk." Aw shit, I don't have time for this. Quit exaggerating and get Carla some kneepads. You got a team to run, Pall Mall.
- Milton Bradley & Ian Kinsler, Rangers: Both players are complaining of hamstring soreness making this an open and shut diagnosis. Sexually Transmitted Hamstring Injuries.