When Can I Go Into The Supermarket And Buy What I Need With My Good Looks: Today's Afternoon Games

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  • 1:10, Pirates at Mets: Oliver Perez was awesome when he came up with the Pirates, remember that? That was what, 1998, '99? Oh, 2004. Anyway, the shine came off that Camaro pretty quickly, and now Ollie is a Metropolitan. Today Perez's statistical rollercoaster passes through his old squad when he starts against them at Shea. Rob already recapped last night's extra innings thriller, let's hope there's no hangover.

  • 1:10, White Sox at Twins: Nick Massett takes on Nick Blackburn at the Metrodome. The keys to success could be how they handle Nick Punto and Nick Swisher respectively. I don't wanna give anything else away because Rob will be glogging this whole NICKGASM for you, live.

  • 1:15 Reds at Cardinals: To address one of my own horribly typed questions from last night, Johnny Cueto only struck out two Cardnials derniere soir. Mostly because the Cardinals kicked his ass and he only lasted 1.2 innings. Today Aaron Harang brings his 2,78 ERA, 0.99 WHIP, 1-3 record and basset hound face to the mound to square off against Braden Looper and the Redbirds.

  • 3:45, Rockies at Giants: Troy Tulowitzki busted up his quad last night and a loss today could put the defending champs one game behind the universally maligned Giants in the NL West. They'll trot out Ubaldo (no, YOU baldo) Jimenez to try and prevent that from happening. UJ has gotten trounced in his past couple of starts. The Rockies do not need that today. In brighter news, Garrett Atkins has a 15 game hitting streak. The Giants send out young Jonathan Sanchez who has been impressive thus far in 2008.

  • 4:35 Braves at Nationals: This game is in a purty stadium, but the Braves and Nationals have both payed pretty ugly this season. Intriguing nordic dude Jair Jurgens gets the start for the Braves and Shawn Hill goes for the Nationals. Perhaps there'll be a brawl or some sort of media roundtable to spice this one up.

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Jair Jurgens and Jaromir Jagr should fight. The loser will have to Anglicize the pronunciation of his name.

Nick Swisher only chews Copenhagen. He thinks Skoal is for assholes.

I actually heard him expound on that at length one time... taking a piss on the floor of a Roadkill Cafe.

4:35 start. Good, now I'll have even more of a reason to be angry in rush hour when Atlanta loses to the Nats again

I am sure whatever Swisher chews comes out of a pouch not a can.

Tom Gorzelanny dice "No me toques!"

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