May 2008 Archives

Many congratulations to Manny Ramirez, who hit his 500th career home run off Orioles pitcher Chad Bradford tonight. He's already earned an easy pass into the hall of fame but this accomplishment is a nice, easy round number that will make people remember him more for his amazing hitting skills than his wacky antics.

I find it hard to believe that Manny has never won an MVP award considering he's been one of the top American League run producers for nearly 14 years. Still, he won the Hank Aaron Award twice (1999 and 2004) and has two more World Series rings than his closest competitor in offensive production in the AL, Alex Rodriguez.

Kudos, Manny! Here's hoping that he celebrates by actually making the All Star Game this year.

Today!

On the heels of yesterday's huge comeback the Cubs try to keep the momentum against the Rockies... Verlander against The King as the Tigers look to go 6-0 vs. the M's... BEAT LA! BEAT LA!... In your National Game on Fox, Mets try to bounce back against the Dodgers and the mystique of Chad Billlingsley... Scott Kazmir looks to stay dominant and the Rays look to avenge last night's loss to the White Sox... The Braves try for the love of Christ not to lose again on the road... Red Sox try to build on last night's extra inning win against the Orioles... Padres look to build on last night's extra inning win against the Giants... It's the day we've all been waiting for! Kyle Davies makes his '08 debut for the Royals against the Indians... Lance Berkman's amazing May comes to an end today against the Brewers... Wang v. Boof for some of the marbles... Philadelphia looks to pile on the Marlins again and pad their newly minted NL East lead... Blanton v. Ponson one night after a 3-1 pitchers' duel in Arlington... St. Louis looks for two in a row against the Pirates... WoW CERTIFIED DUEL OF THE DAY: Marcum v. Lackey... Brandon Webb and the Snakes need to get back on track one night after dropping the series' first game to the Nats.

Enjoy your Saturday, WoWies. I'm headed to Providence.

Hey kids, get your dirty fingers out of the marmalade jar and tune in to find out:

• CAN the Phillies take two of three from the Marlins (including the Sunday game of the week on TBS) and claim sole possession of first place?
  
  
• DO the first place White Sox stand a ghost of a chance in winning over the hearts of the Chicago faithful if they continue to beat the first place Rays?
  
  
• WHICH rotation will reign supreme in the Angels / Blue Jays series? McGowan, Marcum, Burnett or Weaver, Lackey, Garland?
  
  
• WILL that fucking asshole in the dumptruck who clipped my car and sent me fishtailing into the median on Interstate 80 get his comeuppance?

Enjoy your weekend, watch some baseball, and tune in Saturday and Sunday to read some....something.

Today's classic TV post features this delightful filmstrip about the introduction of Little League baseball to the quiet village of Roslyn, New York. It's nearly fifteen minutes long but you get a good taste about the enthusiasm of an entire Long Island town about the sport of baseball.

Thanks to Ira Gallen of New York City, who is collecting a bunch of videos on YouTube for the baby boomer generation.

Just can't keep those mothers in the kitchen!

• 2:20, Rockies at Cubs: Hooray for Wrigley Field Friday afternoon games! The Cubs seek to continue their crushing dominance over the National League West as they go for win number five in a row over the hapless division. The Rockies are already in "lets play out the season and wait for Jesus to save our hides" mode, and they're throwing their best pitcher into the fire. Aaron Cook is 3-1 with a 2.82 ERA in his career against the Cubs but this will be his first time pitching in IvyTown USA. Hope the wind is blowing in, Aaron! The Cubs' pitcher of choice today is Ted Lilly, who is just slightly less shitty at home than he is on the road.

I'm re-reading Fast Food Nation and I just got through the chapter about Kenny, the guy that worked in meatpacking for 16 years and his litany of injuries. Broken back, severed fingers, chlorine poisoning heart attacks. Guy went to work everyday, then was fired one day while in the hospital. YOU SHOULD READ THAT BOOK, WIMPY MAJOR LEAGUERS.

• Frank Thomas, A's: Thomas is on the DL after hurting his quadricep legging out a double. Wow, no wonder he got injured! What a high risk maneuver. He really shouldn't be putting himself in harm's way like that. BIG HURT INDEED GUFFAW GUFFAW.


• Fausto Carmona, Indians: Carmona is expected to miss four weeks after getting his dick caught in a vice. Oh wait I read that wrong. He has a left hip strain. According to the Indians trainer, the injury is uncommon for starting pitchers and Carmona's "maximum-effort pitching style might have contributed toward the injury." Rawk.


• Troy Percival, Rays: As his wife has told me many times, "Troy is just getting old and some stuff doesn't work like it used to. Now rub this cocoa butter on my back, my bra has been chafing." His comeback story hit a minor bumb when he landed on the DL this week with a hamstring strain. But hey, the Rays are a juggernaut now and can deal with this sort of thing no problem.


• Eric Gagne, Brewers: Gags has shoulder tendinitis. Doctor's believe it was developed when Ned Yost broke into his house and hit him repeatedly on the arm with a tire iron.


• Gary Sheffield, Tigers: Apparently you can't get cortisone shots in your stomach, because Sheff just hit the DL with oblique spasms. That's one of the craziest sounding injuries I've read about since writing this column. Sounds painful but also sounds like it would make him a good dancer. Like he's just standing there and then his obliques start spasming and suddenly he's doing the cha-cha.

On Tuesday morning, San Francisco sat 10 games behind NL West leading Arizona. After sweeping the Diamondbacks in Phoenix, they're now just 7 games behind. That's basic baseball math, people. That's simple subtraction, folks. No fancy abracadabra algebra or hocus pocus calculus hokum. Last night, Randy Winn came up in the ninth against reliever Chad Qualls and hit his second tater tot of the night to win the game for the Giants. Randy Johnson's semi-historic night took a back seat and his chance for the win was lost at the hands of the Diamondbacks bullpen.

Looking at the big picture, the question arises: what the heck is wrong with the National League West? Predicted by many to be the most competitive division in baseball, they've come out of the gate choking on the dry desert air. One-third of the way through the season and the five teams in the NL West have amassed a collective 60-90 record against the rest of baseball. That's .400 baseball! Teams like the Cubs (11-2) and the Phillies (12-6) are padding their resumes by making the most of their games against the West.

Arizona was riding high through April and most of May, playing on a pace to win well over 100 games. After this sweep? They're on pace to win less than 90. Excluding the hapless Nationals, the Giants, Padres and Rockies have the three worst records in the National League. Yuck!

What lies ahead for these teams' futures? Well Arizona will still most likely win the division. The Dodgers are in the middle of a rough road trip and fell one game under .500 with their loss last night to the Mets. Their wild card chances are on the rocks. The Padres, under the advisement of superstar sabermetrician Paul DePodesta, are in a rebuilding year. The Giants are turning out to be the surprise team in the majors, mostly because there are actually six teams with worse records. The Rockies? They just outright suck.

Hope you didn't have tickets for Opening Day of the Israel Baseball League because you'll really plotz when you hear the 2008 season just went into the crapper. What gives?

According to (league president Haim) Katz, the league's problems stemmed largely from a number of Israeli creditors who, he said, had not been paid by the IBL. "2008 is not happening, 2009 we're working on. Right now it's [nearly] the first of June, and there's no preparation. But there are many parties interested in reviving professional baseball [in Israel]."

Translation: there's no money and the league is worth bubkes. This all comes six months after the commissioner and most of the advisory board members (including Bud Selig's daughter and former Milwaukee Brewers owner Wendy Selig-Prieb and Yankees president Randy Levine) resigned because of "failure to manage capital and other resources in order to produce successful results". Translation: there's no money and the league is worth bubkes.

The league started last year with six teams that were populated with players selected by director of player development and former Red Sox GM Dan Duquette. I guess he did a real cockamamie job of assembling the teams. Whatta klumnik!

Alex Brittel of the Jerusalem Post blames the low attendance on the fact that there were too many Americans on the rosters:

Throughout the season the announcements were mostly in English, the Hebrew section of the official Web site was poor quality and the fields were difficult to get to. Israelis had little affiliation with the teams made up of players from around the world, just not Israel.

Oy gevalt! What's Bet Shemesh Blue Sox manager Ron Blomberg gonna do now with all his free time?

Here's what happened in baseball when the monolith towered over me

Braves 8, Brewers 1: Oh noes Jorge Campillo gave up his first run as a starter! No worries, he also collected his first major league hit and drove in his first two runs; too bad he had to leave after five innings with a blister. Campillo racked up six strikeouts before allowing a tater tot to new Brewer Russell Branyan. Mark Teixeira hit a three run ding dong and drove in four and Chipper Jones had two hits to up his batting average to .420. Crazy stoner.

Blue Jays 12, Athletics 0: Blue Jays starter Jesse Litsch is a wizard! Kill it! Kill the wizard! He's amassed a sixteen-inning scoreless streak and earned his seventh win of the year against just one loss. Rangers castoffs Kevin Mench, Rod Barajas and Brad Wilkerson were the offensive stars, combining for six RBI and six runs. The victory marked the 300th win of John Gibbons' managerial career; he celebrated by hunting down Shea Hillenbrand and punching him in the nose.

Pirates 7, Reds 2: Twenty-six year old rookie Phil Dumatrait is coming up so you better get this party started. Kid has the best start of his lifetime and possibly the best start by any Pirates pitcher this season, holding Cincy to one unearned run on two walks and two hits in seven innings. Wow! Nine strikeouts! Not bad for someone who was summarily waived by the Reds last year. Jason Bay had his team-leading 13th homer in the win.

I wish I could explain why a naked Swedish man is running around the bases in this video, or why I decided to post it on Walkoff Walk, or why I just switched to full screen high quality mode so I could get a better look at his ding-dong, but hurry up and watch this crazy video before YouTube wakes up and decides it violates their terms of use:

Hey homoz, what's the deal with the low fat ricotta:

• WILL tonight's Zito v. Unit matchup be awesomely bad or just awesome?


• WHO takes the rubber match between the 'Stros & Cards, and what kind of rubber is it?


• WHICH first place team is firstier? The Rays or White Sox?

Then stop by tomorrow for all the answers. Same WoW time, same WoW channel.

Sometimes people write better than us. Each Tuesday and Thursday WoW gives you our favorite baseball links we've come across.

• Jay Jaffe pens an excellent column about Marvin Miller's nose-thumbing of the hall of fame. I support Miller 100% and am glad that someone is speaking out against that awful place and the horrid people who run it. Baseball Prospectus.
  
  
• Simon blames the Mets collapse on the curse of Julio Franco. Since Franco left, Jose Reyes' OPS has dropped 66 points and the average age of Mets position players went down 5 months. Simon on Sports.
  
  
• Darren Rovell examines the 1989 Ken Griffey rookie card from Upper Deck. It's like the Honus Wagner baseball card of baseball cards.. Slate.
  
  
• Enrico lets us know that New York City is good at re-writing history. Ladies and gentlefolk, your 2007 NL East Champion New York Mets! The 700 Level.
  
  
• Beat writer Shannon Drayer gets lost in Harlem on her way to Yankee Stadium but that's not even the saddest part of the story. She covers the Mariners. KOMO News.
  
  
• Jesse Spector does a good job assembling some raw numbers into a telling Relief Report. Shocker: Hideki Okajima has allowed 11 of 14 inherited runners to score. Touching Base.
  
  
• Following up on Mark Cuban's piece on salary caps, Shawn thinks that salary floors would be even worse in baseball. I've always thought that shitty teams like the Royals need to spend more money to be competitive but this piece makes me rethink my original position. Squawking Baseball.
  
  
• Forty-two different versions of "Harlem Nocturne". WFMU's Beware of the Blog.

The Calgary Vipers, a professional team in something called the Golden Baseball League felt they needed some more pop in the lineup after splitting this weekend's series with the Edmonton Cracker-Cats. And who can blame them? We've mentioned numerous times what a joke that Cracker-Cats rotation is. To bring a little more lumber to the party, the Vipers reached out and signed, who else, 43 year old former Athletic, Cardinal, Royal, and Diamondback, Felix Jose!!!

"I'm going to try to put some hits up," says the designated hitter. "I'm going to try to help the team keep producing."

"He's a veteran player; he can still swing," says Vipers manager Mike Busch. "He'll do what he does best, and be a role model for the younger guys."

It's not the first time Jose has played in Calgary. His first visit was in 1984 with Idaho Falls of the Pioneer League to play the Calgary Expos. During the 1988-89 season, Jose was a member of the Triple-A Pacific Coast League's Tacoma Tigers, competing against the Calgary Cannons.

1984! Dayum. He's only been out of the majors since 2003 so maybe there's still some gas in the tank. Certainly it improves the mood of any clubhouse to have someone named Felix in it.

It wasn't the only acquisition the Vipers made this week. They also signed former Calgary Flame, Theo Fleury. To play baseball. In related news Sammy Sosa is retiring because no one wants him on their team.

• 1:05, Braves at Brewers: The Braves lost by 1 run again. On the road. Again. I legitimately can't remember a team having such rigid quirks about losing. Braves fans, how do you live like this? Jorge Campillo goes for the Braves. He's thrown 10 shutout innings in his two starts but has walked 9. Seth McClung, whose name sounds like a teen actor, goes for the Brewers.


• 3:35, Rays at A's: The rubber match of this WoW hyped series sees Jesse Litsch against Dana Eveland. Last night's duel between Doc Halladay and Rich "Are My Bones and Tendons Finally Starting To" Harden was as good as expected. Halladay's victory last night put the Jays at 3 games over .500 for the first time all year.


• 3:35, Nationals at Padres: John Lannan takes on Wilfredo Ledezma in this clash o...... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

After some boring speculation about where the NHL would play their next Winter Classic, Gary Bettman has finally decided that pitting two hockey teams against one another on some ice in Wrigley Field would be a fantastic idea. Sure, run with it. Seems as though the Chicago Blackhawks will be facing the Detroit Red Wings on New Years Day 2009 at the House That Gum Built.

I'm surprised that the game won't be played at Soldier Field instead. It's bigger and icier and holds many more insane Chicagoans. Wrigley being a baseball park, this brings up tons of questions. Will fans in the bleachers be allowed to boo Nikolai Khabibulin? Will some Chicago celeb like George Wendt sing "Hockey Monkey" during the second intermission? Heck, will they throw Ron Santo's out on the ice with skates on his hands just for laughs?

Chicago didn't earn the nickname "Second City" for nothing though: they weren't really the first choice of Senor Bettman:

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman said last week that the proposed game at Yankee Stadium isn't as likely to happen because of a "variety of issues," according to Newsday. "There are some winterization issues, because it is an older stadium," Bettman told reporters in a conference call. "... I don't know whether or not they can be resolved."

Translation: you'll get a hockey game in Yankee Stadium over George Steinbrenner's dead bloated body.

What's the deal with a certain fat Big Apple pitcher's throwing routine? Our fly on the wall says the much fussed over round mound of the mound threw 28 pitches last night in a game situation then threw 27 in the bullpen after being removed for the team's more heralded latino closer. What gives? Why not let Tons O' Fun just finish his work out on the hill? He had been throwing well and El Closero had worked the night before. Methinks the team's spaghetti twisting skipper is putting a little too much emphasis on getting his guy the save.

Anyway, with another injury befalling one of the club's waspy porcelain starters, look for Fudgy The Whale to be making his first career start any day now.

The Seattle Mariners season started last night. Major offseason acquisition Erik Bedard had his first impressive start against a quality team as he hurled seven quality innings of 2-hit, 3-walk, and 8-strikeout ball against the vaunted Boston Red Sox offense. Bedard threw 69 of his 109 pitches for strikes and got the win thanks to a solo ding-dong from Mariner shortstop Yuniesky Betancourt.

Get excited Mariners fans! Get excited because even though your team's record is 20-34, you can still win 128 games this season! Only if Bedard pitches every game like he did last night, Betancourt turns into the new A-Rod, and you dig up the corpse of Norm Charlton to steady a shaky bullpen.

Let's check in on emo Seattle beat writer and headline-creator extraordinaire Geoff Baker to see how he's celebrating:

"But the season doesn't start in June. If this was the final week of spring training, these M's would be poised and ready to live up to their hype as the season neared. But it's May 28. All they can do now is hope the newer hype about how bad they've really been so far enables them to catch teams off guard. To sneak up on opponents the way they did in 2007. To make this disaster of a 2008 season a little more palatable in the won-lost column. And to learn something going forward. Maybe give the folks running the show a little better idea of what needs to be fixed. Their timing would be the first thing on the repair list."

Oh Christ. I can actually hear the Elliott Smith album playing in the background of Baker's hip one-bedroom loft in Belltown.

Here's what happened in baseball while I laid my weary bones tonight:

Phillies 6, Rockies 1: Adam Eaton finally grabbed the brass ring in his eleventh start, earning his first dubya of the year behind the offensive antics of the Phillies. Eaton did his part by going six strong innings and even lowering his ERA below 5.00! Yes, it's at 4.99, but shit, that's totes sub-five-point-oh. Chase Utley made me forget about my Dan Uggla man-crush for a day and hit his major league leading 17th ding dong. Don't worry, Chase...I voted for you on six All-Star ballots so far. Keep on keepin' on.

Mets 7, Marlins 6 (12): Those New York Mets got my memo and supported their manager-under-fire with a stellar come-from-behind win over the first place Marlins. Met Endy Chavez tater-totted in the ninth to hand Kevin Gregg a blown save and send the game to extras. Marlin Alfredo Amanzega ding-donged in the top of the 12th to give Florida a lead, but it was Fernando Tatis' two-run double in the bottom of the inning that forced every single human being on the field to walk off in an orderly fashion. There were seven homers in the game, two of them credited to Cody Ross.

Brewers 1, Braves 0: A pitching duel between Jeff Suppan and Jo-Jo Reyes? I'm surprised but proud of the two fellas. So sorry to see that only one gentleman could go home a winner...and that gent was Suppan, thanks to some timely hitting by Rickie Weeks. Weeks' triple in the eighth off Blaine Boyer drove in J.J. Hardy and the Braves were handed their 392nd one-run road loss this season. Walkoff Walk favorite Salomon Torres done got his fourth save. Whoopee!

Cubs 2, Dodgers 1 (10): After Alfonso Soriano walkoff-won the game in the bottom of the tenth, Chris Berman quoted Arte Johnson. Welcome to 1968, folks!

Hey kids, tune in tonight to find out:

• WILL Roy Halladay or Rich Harden prevail in the duel o' the night?


• HOW will the new look Coreyless Reds fair against the Pirates?


• HOW many times am I going to watch the above video? (Thanks waxy.org)


• CAN Houston lay another smackdown on the Redbirds?


• THE Red Sox can't lose two in a row to Seattle, can they?

Then stop by tomorrow for all the answers. Same WoW time, same WoW channel.

Holy crap, Corey Patterson was optioned to triple-A Louisville to make room for infielder Andy Phillips! I guess the Reds needed a backup first baseman to Joey Votto more than they needed a seventh outfielder/pinch runner. Holy moses smell the roses!

Here's a sampling of the comments on John Fay's report:

• waynekrenchiki wrote: THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• puckhogg wrote: YESSSSSSSS there is a god
• KevinFtMyers wrote: I want to hug Walt Jocketty.

Wow, it's like a holiday in Cincinnati today. Chili with spaghetti for everyone!

Yesterday I declared the Nationals dead. Today in the autopsy I'll outline one of the major causes of death: the absolutely horrific production from the outfield. Oh sure we in the sports comedanalysis business were chomping at the bit for Lastings Milledge, Willy Mo Pena, Elijah Dukes and um... Austin Kearns to join forces, but so far they've been quiet in every imaginable way. Let's let John Perotto of Baseball Prospectus hike up his short pants and regale us with some dorkspeak:

It is certainly not uncommon for teams to get a lack of production from a certain position. However, rare is the case where an entire outfield is an offensive black hole. That has been so with the Nationals this season, because their outfielders are barely outhitting their pitchers. Center fielder Lasting Milledge has the best EqA of the Nationals' three starting outfielders, with a paltry .227 mark, while left fielder Wily Mo Pena is at .176 and right fielder Elijah Dukes at .102. The Nationals' two reserves aren't any better, as Willie Harris has a .229 EqA and Rob Mackowiak's is .202.

Right fielder Austin Kearns carried a .198 EqA onto the disabled list this past week and is likely to miss the next month after having arthroscopic elbow surgery.

I had Darren do some digging and he pulled up these OPS numbers:

• Milledge .652
• Kearns .561
• Dukes .446
• Mackowiak .489
• Pena .558

That is not fit for a major league ball club. It's an onion of mediocrity that reveals its stink with the removal of each translucent layer. I laughed at Manny Acta yesterday for campaigning a little early for Tim Redding's inclusion on the All-Star team. I don't laugh anymore. I think he's just trying to take his mind off of his outfield.

Indians pitcher Jake Westbrook is making his first start off the disabled list against the first place Chicago White Sox. He'll face Gavin Floyd, one of the great success stories in the ChiSox rotation this year. Four out of five starters have an ERA under 3.52, led by Floyd at 2.93.

The real story with Chicago, however, is how a first place team can have so much goddamn drama. Manager Ozzie Guillen is feuding with shortstop Orlando Cabrera, conditioning coach Allen Thomas is feuding with reliever Octavio Dotel, and DH Jim Thome is feuding with pancakes.

Your liveglog begins after the jump.

• 12:05: White Sox at Indians: I see you have returned, Jake Westbrook. Know that in your absence my contempt for you only grew. Chicago and Cleveland play today's early game hot on the heels of last night's wacky tilt. Gavin Floyd takes the hill for the White Sox. His last start was a complete game three hit loss against the Angels. It appears that Travis Hafner will miss his third straight game today and could land on the DL. Rob gon' glog it.


• 12:40: Rangers at Rays: Kason Gabbard goes for Texas while the white hot Matt Garza looks to extend the 14 1/3 scoreless innings he's spun in his last two starts. After last night's win the Rangers are 27-27 bringing up one of my favorite stats of the year from WoW friend Evan Grant:

Counting the start of the season, the Rangers have been at .500 nine times now this year. On eight of the nine times when they had a chance to go above .500, they've lost the game. The one win they had was then followed by a five-game losing streak.

Lollerskates.

I hate Mets fans. Always have. I grew up a Yankees fan in North Jersey in the 1980s, and my best friend Dave always bragged about the Mets' big world championship in '86 as if it was the second coming of Yahweh. I had to suffer ten years until 1996 before I could feel that same joy, and you better believe I've spent the last twelve years shaming Dave as much as possible. But when Yankees bench coach Willie Randolph finally got his chance to manage a big league club, I regretted the fact that he'd lead my favorite team's crosstown rival, those hated New York Mets.

After 11 seasons as a coach for the Yanks, and exactly zero seasons managing any team at any level, Randolph got the job as Mets manager for the 2005 season. Quick career summary for Willie:

• 2005: 83-79, 3rd place, first winning record for the Mets in 4 years
• 2006: 97-64, 1st place, heartbreak loss to Cardinals in the NLCS
• 2007: 88-74, 2nd place, historic collapse gives division to Phillies
• 2008: 23-26, 4th place, 6.5 games behind Marlins on Memorial Day

Okay, the Mets missed the World Series by one game in '06 and missed the playoffs by one game in '07. Theywerethisclose to greatness in both years. There are two schools of thought on this: (1) Randolph should be lauded for the team's winning records and it was just bad luck that they missed the ultimate success by a hair or (2) Randolph was hired to influence the talent on the team and make vital managerial moves that would put the Mets over the top. If you subscribe to (1), then you are willing to forgive the past two years' shortcomings and wait out the 2008 season. If you are like certain Mets fans and Mets bloggers and you subscribe to (2), you are Salome calling for his head on a charger.

I'm really not sure which school of thought I subscribe to. I don't know enough about the game of baseball to comment on what goes on in the clubhouse or dugout or in the hearts of baseball players. I also don't know shit about psychology or team-building exercises or coaxing the best performance out of millionaire athletes, so I'm not going to opine about Willie Randolph's job future right now. He seems like a nice guy and he lives not too far from me, so I might run into him at the grocery store one day. Friendliness aside, though, I just don't know enough about managing a baseball team to

I do, however, have enough information in front of me to disparage the Mets GM, Omar Minaya. He's put together a team like an idiot contractor puts together a house: with chewing gum and cardboard tubes with a foundation of maple sugar oatmeal. With the Mets, fading superstar Pedro Martinez is the chewing gum, oft-injured Moises Alou and Marlon Anderson are the cardboard tubes, and overrated-yet-underperforming Jose Reyes is the gooey oatmeal foundation. This house will not stand. After trading away four of their best seven prospects in the Johan Santana trade, the farm system is in shambles too.

Maybe Minaya should be fired too. Either way, this is a money-making corporation that is putting up a beautiful new ballpark next year; they're not going to draw 4 million fans like the Yankees so the organization needs all the wins they can get. And maybe my buddy Dave will be happy again.

Here's what happened in baseball while driving with your eyes shut:

Mets 5, Marlins 3: Johan Santana pitched more like Johan Santana and less like Darren Dreifort as he went a solid seven innings to lead New York over Florida. Santana struck out hot-hitting Dan Uggla twice and scattered eight hits. The Mets closed to within 5.5 games of the first place Marlins so that's a mitzvah for Willie Randolph indeed.

Indians 8, White Sox 2: Cleveland had the bases loaded and led 7-2 in the seventh inning, but they were impatient as heck to get that eighth run. With Ben Francisco at the plate, they figured the best way to score would be to attempt the Vaunted Triple Steal. Great success....sorta. Jamey Carroll nearly got picked off and got caught in a rundown between first and second, which prompted David Dellucci to take off for home. White Sox first baseman Paul Konerko threw towards home, but the ball hit dirt instead of catcher Toby Hall's glove. Dellucci, Carroll, and Grady Sizemore (who moved from second to third on the throw) were all awarded stolen bases.

Cubs 3, Dodgers 1: The Cubs looked good in front of a national television audience. Sean Gallagher must love the spotlight because he had possibly the best game of his life, going seven strong and allowing but one run. Heck, even Kerry Wood converted a save. The wheels came off the Dodgers' bus when third baseman Blake DeWitt made an oopsie that led to the three Chicago runs.

Brewers 3, Braves 2: With one out in the bottom of the ninth of a 2-2 game, Atlanta reliever Jeff Bennett let Milwaukee third baseman Bill Hall steal third base. Oops! Mike Cameron pounced on this opportunity and hit the walkoff sacrifice fly; the Braves lost another one-run game, and Matt_T's liveglog ended in sadness. Walkoff Walk favorite Salomon Torres got the win.

Hey kids, I'm addicted to turpentine fumes:

• CAN Johan Santana bring some light into the dark scene in Flushing? The Marlins are in town.


• CAN Tim Lincecum bounce back from his worst start of the year and get back into form against Dan Haren and the Snakes?


• WHICH one of the teams I declared "dead" will make me look like a complete moron by rattling off a string of 10 straight wins starting tonight?

Then stop by tomorrow for all the answers. Same WoW time, same WoW channel.

Sometimes people write better than us. Each Tuesday and Thursday WoW gives you our favorite baseball links we've come across.

• Deadspin commenter extraordinaire and punny sports blogger in his own right Gourmet Spud gets word of a massive big name deal in baseball that has somehow escaped Christina Kahrl's transaction analysis over at Baseball Prospectus. Yes, J.P. Ricciardi was involved. Food Court Lunch.
  
  
• Rich Lederer has compiled the matchups in the College World Series. Baseball Analysts.
  
  
• And then Bryan Smith cherry-picks some of the best matchups and analyzes them. Baseball Prospectus: Unfiltered.
  
  
• One More Dying Quail is happy that Jay Bruce is getting the big call-up to the Reds, but sad for one special reason. Bus Leagues Baseball.
  
  
• Jbox left the 18-inning Padres-Reds game in the 17th inning, just before Adrian Gonzalez hit the walkoff ding dong. Gaslamp Ball
  
  
• People in Wisconsin are friggin' gross and must get really bored when the Brewers are out of town. Also, they're bored when the Brewers are IN town. ZING! Obscure Store.
  
  
• Camp Tiger Claw makes a guest appearance at Babes Love Baseball to talk up Ryan Braun and how stunningly intense his eyelashes are. Or something. Go read it. Babes Love Baseball.
  
  
• CTC also won this nifty shirt in an eBay auction. Seriously. eBay.

Our buddy Brooks relays the news that Jose Canseco has chosen an opponent for his fight in Atlantic City. He'll be taking on former NFL Player Vai Sikahema who appears to be old as shit. WEAK. From the Philly Daily News:

"I imagine the reception will be mixed," Canseco told me. "But the curiosity factor is going to be incredible. Whether people want to see someone kick my butt, or me kick someone else's butt, I guarantee there will be interest."

Maybe even enough interest for Feldman and Canseco to launch a nationwide tour and draw attention from network-TV types who are always looking for reality programming.

Canseco, to be sure, looks the part of someone most would-be opponents might want to avoid. At 6-4 and 245 pounds, he's only 5 pounds above his 1988 playing weight. He still has guns for forearms, too, although he insists he's off the juice. He credits his Adonis physique to 20-plus years in martial arts, during which he claims to have earned black belts in kung-fu, taekwondo and Muay Thai.

Listen Canseco, you can duck me for now. You can pretend like a pro athlete is a better match for you than I am, but me and all the little Tigermaniacs know the truth. You're scared. When you feel like stepping to the plate and facing the quiet fury of a kinda in shape guy comfortably tucked behind a desk, then you know who to call. My number is still the same: 555-FIST.

Wild news out of Cincinnati today, via Reds uber-mensch beat writer John Fay: Scott Hatteberg was DFA'd to make room for Jay Bruce on the major league roster, which saves Corey Patterson's spot on Dusty's team. That's seven outfielders on the Reds.

The Toronto Blue Jays and Oakland Athletics have matching .373 team slugging percentages, but who cares if they're the 98-pound weaklings in the American League when their pitching staffs are about as deep as the rift between Frank Thomas and J.P. Ricciardi? They've got a chance to see who can win the most games by scoring the fewest runs as they meet for three games in Oakland starting tonight. The Blue Jays are coming off a four-game sweep of the hapless Royals and the A's were pretty much treading water until the Red Sox came to town and gave Oakland a sweep of their own.

There are enough storylines in this upcoming series to fill a Grimm collection, but the biggest deal here is that these are the two best pitching staffs in baseball. Let's cut the crap and get right to the matchups:

• Tuesday: A.J. Burnett (R) vs Dana Eveland (L)
• Wednesday: Roy Halladay (R) vs Greg Smith (L)
• Thursday: Jesse Litsch (R) vs Rich Harden (R)

The series is in Oakland where Harden, Eveland, and Smith are a combined 6-1 with an ERA south of 3.00. Must be all that foul territory! Or something. Jack Cust is hot hot hot for the A's, having hit seven tater tots in May versus just one in April, raising his OPS almost 250 points in the process. No Blue Jay is really stroking it (besides Troy Glaus Scott Rolen, who needs something to do while on the DL) but Lyle Overbay leads all qualified Toronto batters with a .405 slugging percentage. Yecch!

And yes, Frank Thomas will face the team that pushed him out the door after a slow start blah blah blah. J.P. Ricciardi is a failure as a GM blah blah blah. Thomas has raised his OPS about 170 points since signing on with Oakland and is now slugging higher than any qualifying Toronto batter.

Houston travels to St. Louis to try and sort out at least some of the bunching at the top of the NL Central. Usually when I have bunching problems it's because my boxers are too small, but I digress. The Cubs lead the Cardinals by 1 game in the loss column, and the Cardinals outpace the Astros by the same margin. Your pitchers:

• Tonight: Chacon vs. Looper
• Wednesday: W. Rodriguez vs. Wainwright
• Thursday: Oswalt vs. Lohse

Chacon finally broke his record setting streak of 9 consecutive starts without a decision by winning last Wednesday against the Cubs. I had a party to celebrate but no one showed up. I had a cake that said "Congrats, Shawn" and everything. Looper also won his last start and has already pitched against the Astros this year holding them scoreless through 7 innings in a no decision.

One of the more interesting things about the Astros success is that they're doing it with a leadoff hitter that's batting .216 with just 16 walks! Corey Patterson watch, my ass. Someone needs to drop a coconut on Cecil Cooper's head before he blows this shit.

UPDATE: Bourn hit 8th all weekend. Coconut dropped.

I hope you all had a good Memorial Day and that you still have most of your teeth. The holiday was a great chance to reflect on the cost of war, the cost of gas and how much you didn't want to go back to work. It's also a good time to start crossing off teams that have absolutely no shot at salvaging their season. On to the list of the deceased:

• Seattle Mariners: John McLaren's boys have been epically futile thus far. 5-20 in their latst 25 futile. The team can't do anything right. They can't get on base, coming second to last in the majors in .OBP at .309. Pitching was thought to be the team's strong point but they have the worst team ERA in baseballl at 4.96. That combination is how you lose lots and lots of ballgames my friend. Oh yeah, they also suck at fielding. No relief in sight for Geoff Baker.


• Washington Nationals: The Nationals are hitting .233. Tied for worst in the majors with the Indians. Injuries have also been a concern and they're treading water with the 4th worst winning percentage in the NL. Manny Acta is looking to right the ship by... campaigning for Tim Redding to make the All-Star team?


• Kansas City Royals: This one upsets me. I expected better from the Royals this year. They having a ton of problems at the plate, dragging around a .314 OBP. Jose Guillen, Billy Butler and Alex Gordon have combined for all of 12 HRs. They've lost 9 of their last ten and as the AL Central continues to eat it's own they've got too many teams to jump.


• Cincinnati Reds: Et tu Dusty? This was the most borderline team on my list. I may be a couple weeks early on the death knell, but let's look at some numbers. Volquez and Harang are proving to be valuable starters, but outside of those two the rest of the rotation has an ERA over 7 and the team ERA as a whole is 4.54, firmly in the bottom quarter of baseball. At the plate, they struggle to drive in runners in scoring position. The biggest hurdle to overcome may just be the competition in the division. St. Louis is playing better than expected, and you have to think that if Milwaukee can pull anything together (see, firing their manager) they could put a run together.


• San Francisco Giants, Colorado Rockies, San Diego Padres: These teams are a combined 59-95. That's palindromic lousiness! It's rare for this much suck to amass in such a cluster. Well, rare that it's not at the bottom of the AL East. Injuries have mounted for all 3 clubs, especially the Rockies. They are 3 out of the 4 worst hitting teams in baseball with RISP. In the case of the Giants and the Padres, 28th and 29th respectively in runs scored, this could just be a case of small sample size.


• On Life Support: Blue Jays, Tigers, Pirates, Ned Yost, Willie Randolph

Superstar Red prospect Jay Bruce will get the call-up today to the big club in Cincinnati for their evening contest against the Pirates. Bruce is a center fielder extraordinaire, having gotten on base at a .399 clip and having slugged a robust .625 at triple-A Louisville. Kid is fast, too, and will continue to learn to field his position well in the majors.

Alas, this spells the end of the road for Walkoff Walk hero Corey Patterson, who, according to my Reds beat reporter boyfriend John Fay, will most likely be the odd man out on the Reds roster. After going 0-for-8 in Sunday's 18-inning loss to the Padres, he's batting .201 and his speed is going to waste, having only reached first base via single or walk just 24 times. Sure, he had a decent isolated power rate with 8 doubles and 4 tater tots, but he was simply not a leadoff hitter.

Dusty Baker's Reds are in last place and sit seven full games behind the Cubs in a surprisingly competent National League Central. Still, with Jay Bruce coming up and Edinson Volquez putting up Johan Santana-esque numbers in a year when Johan Santana is putting up Darren Dreifort-esque numbers, fans in Cincinnati have something to look forward to (read: Dusty Baker getting fired in 2009).

The Angels won on a walkoff walk! You know what that means! Shrimp video! Thanks, Rick!

Here's what happened in baseball while doing the best things so conservatively:

Braves 7, Diamondbacks 3: What's gotten into Brandon Webb? Or more accurately, what got into the Braves offense, who collected 10 hits off the Arizona ace and knocked him out of the game after just four and a third innings, his shortest outing in over two years? Or even more importantly, who put the rainbow sprinkles on my vanilla ice cream? I WANTED M&M'S! Back to the action: Mark Teixeira, in his latest audition to move to New York City, had