Here's what happened in baseball while we stayed in by the telly:
Reds 6, Indians 4: Oh noes they got to Cliff Lee! Cincinnati completed the sweep of their lesser Ohio brethren behind another strong pitching start by Edinson Volquez. Volquez and Lee led their respective leagues in ERA prior to the game but both gentlemen saw their numbers skyrocket: Lee gave up 5 earned runs and his ERA went from 0.67 to 1.37 while Volquez allowed 2 earned runs for the first time ever ever ever and saw his ERA rise to 1.33. Unfortunately, the 24-year old Volquez was taxed with over 110 pitches for the third start in a row so expect his arm to fall off before season's end. Adam Dunn and Joey Votto contributed ding-dongs.
Red Sox 11, Brewers 7: Sorry Mr. Uecker but the Brew Crew just got swept and you didn't even get rezzies at Locke-Ober. What a waste of a weekend in Beantown! David Ortiz hit two tater tots to earn the title of Mr. Tater Tot on a day that both teams combined for eight tater tots. Ryan Braun's two tater tots were just not enough to make up for the awful pitching performances by starter Carlos Villanueva and reliever Mark DiFelice. DiFelice made his major league debut at age 31 by giving up Ortiz' second dong. Welcome to the show, old fart.
Diamondbacks 4, Tigers 0: Well Camp Tiger Claw called it and the National League West is just going to have to deal with it: Randy Johnson is still dealing, even without his punishing fastball. Old Randy went seven scoreless against the hapless Tigers, striking out five and walking just one. Chad Qualls and Brandon Lyon completed the shutout while Chris Young's double produced runs as prodigiously as Brian Eno produces annoying ambient albums.
Mariners 3, Padres 2: Hey, Seattle won a series! Maybe Geoff Baker and his pitchfork-wielding readers can come in off the ledge now. Sure, their victim was the extra hapless Padres, owners of the worst record in the majors but a win is a win is a win. Jose Lopez was the hero with his two-out two-run eighth inning double and Heath Bell was the dork who gave Lopez a meatball to hit. Speaking of meatballs, I could really go for some veal and ricotta meatballs right now. NOM!