Wednesday Afternoon Liveglog Club, Thursday Edition: Royals at Red Sox

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liveglog.jpg Hello everyone and welcome to my historic living room couch. It's you, me and a bottle of syzurp as we watch the Red Sox try and sweep the Royals in the first ever Head Cold Glog. If we have any Royals readers out there I encourage you to make yourself known in the comments, I don't think we've heard from you yet.

Your lineups:

Royals:
1. David DeJesus, LF
2. Mark Grudzielanek, 2B
3. Alex Gordon, 3B
4. Jose Guillen, DH
5. Mark Teahen, RF
6. Miguel Olivo, C
7. Ross Gload, 1B
8. Alberto Callsaspo, SS
9. Joey Gathright, CF

P -- Brian Bannister

Red Sox:
1. Jacoby Ellsbury, CF
2. Dustin Pedroia, 2B
3. David Ortiz, DH
4. Manny Ramirez, LF
5. Mike Lowell, 3B
6. Kevin Youkilis, 1B
7. J.D. Drew, RF (FSU)
8. Kevin Cash, C (FSU)
9. Julio Lugo, SS

P -- Daisuke Matsuzaka

Live baseball in pseudohumorous text form, after the jump.
1:23: We've still got about 12 minutes to first pitch. Even though Rob posted the Chris Young video this AM, I chose not to watch it. They just showed it on the Red Sox pregame show. THAT'S HOW YOU'RE GONNA LOOK WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU, CANSECO.

1:31: The Sox are 20-5 at home. Even if the Royals lose today and get swept, they'll only be 6 out in the loss column. Doesn't anyone want to win the AL Central?

1:35: NESN has kids announce the lineups and it bugs the shit out of me when they call the players "Mr." No one has ever called Mark Teahen "Mr." in his entire life. Bank on it. Grow some balls and disrespect your elders, kids.

1:37: Whoever picks the inning that Matsuzaka walks the bases loaded then works out of the jam gets a prize.

1:39: DeJesus strikes out looking. WAS THAT THE GYROBALL? Can't be, wasn't filled with lamb.

1:40: I just mixed up the caps from my syzurp and my OJ and wondered why they weren't fitting. This glog could get very interesting.

1:41: Mark Grudzeljsdfhibk grounds out to second. Two up, two down. Matsuzaka's ball is moving all over the place.

1:43: Alex Gordon walks. Clubhouse Cancer Jose Guillen at the dish.

1:45: Wild Pitch, blocked nicely by Cash but Gordon advances to second.

1:47: Guillen laces one to right. Gordon off with the crack of the bat scores easily from second. 1-0 Royals.

1:48: Mr. Mark Teahen looks like his eye black was put on Stevie Wonder or one of the guys from Demolition. He walks. Who picked "1st inning" to the trivia question?

1:51: Olivo strikes out looking. 34 pitches in the first for Matsuzaka. He usually only has one of those lousy high pitch innings a game. Let's see if that was it.

1:53 Oh Jesus. Some kid from Newton is reading the Sox lineup. He also goes the "Mr." route. Weenie. Ellsbury grounds out to Ross G-Load at first.

1:56 The sun is coming out at Fenway for the first time today. I hope this doesn't mean Bartolo Colon is going to take his top off.

1:57: Pedroia flies out to Ross G-Load at first.

1:58: Oritz grounds into the shift. He's been hitting better lately but I still think for the most part, The Shift > Ortiz. 3 up, 3 down. 1-0 Royals after one. I need to go put on some deodorant. 2:00 Ross G-Load leads off the inning. Flies out to Julio Lugo behind second. This team swings constantly.

2:03 Y'know, when they're not walking like Callsaspo just did. 1 out, 1 on.

2:04: Gathwright grounds out to second, Callsaspo to second on the FC.

2:06: Matsuzaka gets DeJesus swinging. End of 1 1/2.

2:07: For the record and for all of our NESNabled readers:: Kathryn Tappen > That New Sideline Dame >>> Hazel Mae.

2:09: Infield hit for Manny Ramirez. Ball went over the second base bag, Grudzeljhisos tried to make the throw across his body. It was wide. Like your sister.

2:11: Lowell singles to left. Two on, no outs for Kevin "The Anvil" Youkilis.

2:12: The Anvil singles to left. Bases loaded for Florida State Seminole, JD Drew.

2:14: Wait. Brian Bannister sprung from the loins of the immortal Floyd Bannister!? How did I not know that? Don Orsillo just blew my mind.

2:15: King Dong! Four run blast over the monster for JD Drew. 4-1 Sox.

2:17: Cash strikes out looking like a cigar store indian. 1 down.

2:18: Seeing eye single up the middle for Lugo. Between that and "cigar store indian" I'm now talking baseball like my dad.

2:21: Ellsbury walks after about 75 pitches. I admire the Sox patience at the plate. Except when I'm glogging. THEIR GAMES TAKE FOREVER.

2:24: Orsillo and Remy are talking about how useless they are with cellphones. I usually find them funny almost all the time, but that's one topic I'm sick of hearing. "I'm too old to figure out how to use a phone." Well aren't you old school! Good luck dying a lonely uncommunicative death, dinsoaur man. Someone grounds out to third to end the inning. Who was that? I was ranting. Where's my Nyquil?

2:29 Hey go figure, Matsuzaka leads off the inning by walking Gruszaihfdlsfhlh. Gordon flies out to first. One out, one on.

2:32: Guillen strikes out on a pitch at his eyes. Of course he did. Why bother making a guy with pinpoint accuracy like Matsuzaka work a little? Orsillo and Remy are talking about pajama theft.

2:34: It's begun raining at Fenway, but it's sunny at my house, approximately 1 mile away. Dice-K walks Mr. Teahen and the ball gets away. That's 5 BBs on the day. Olivo flies out to the track in left. Who answered "every single inning" to the trivia question?

2:39: "Ortiz, riiiiight into the shift." Couldn't have put it better myself Don. 1 down.

2:41: Manny strikes out on a blistering fastball from Bannister. Kid's ball can move, I'll give him that. And soon as I give it to him, Lowell knocks a ground rule double around Pesky's Pole in right.

2:45: Youkilis singles to right center, Lowell comes around to score. 5-1 Sox. Hey guys, Remy is going to be choosing Red Sox Nation governors this week so make sure your application is in! I'm going to go shit into some tupperware and mail it to him. Brb.

2:47: Drew flies out to the track in straightaway center. End of inning.

2:50: Ross G-Load shows his Royal blue by swinging at a terrible pitch up at his neck and popping out to third. Callsaspo grounds out weakly to second.

2:51: Gathwright laces one off the monster. two down, Gathwright on second.

2:54: DeJesus singles to left but Manny is playing his usual shallow spot and Gathwright, maybe the fastest guy in the league, has to stop at 3rd. I love Manny.

2:56: Grudzalhblihwfl grounds out. Inning over. I'm getting sleepy. More syzurp.

2:59 Cash strikes out. Drew is totally the better Nole today.

3:01: Ellsbury singles sending Lugo to second. How Lugo got on is a mystery because I was taking a piss. Bannister has thrown 80 pitches through 3.1 innings.

3:04: Pedroia flies out to shallow center. DONT GROUND INTO THE SHIFT PAPI. He grounds into the shift. But it bounces high in the air off the bag. Grudzawhatever whirls around and throws out Lugo at the plate. Crazy play. End of inning.

3:10: Matsuzaka walks Cash, then the first pitch to Guilllen goes through Cash's five hole and Gordon goes to second. I think the Red Sox battery is on syzurp.

3:12: Guillen hits a gappa (there's my dad again) to left center that scores Gordon. He's on second. Matsuzaka has thrown 93 pitches and is now down 2-1 to Mr. Teahen. This game could get close, it's a shame i'm thinking of stopping after the bottom of this inning.

3:15 Teahen grounds out weakly to second LIKE A BITCH. I bet that little twerp is sorry he called him "Mr." now. I WIN. I ALWAYS WIN.

3:16: RBI Double for Olivo. 5-3 Sox. Dice-K is going to get scolded by the pitching coach. BAD PITCHER. BAD.

3:21: Callaspo strikes out. I have no idea what G-Load did. Inning over. I'm hungry as fuck. Where's my hummus?

3:24: "I like a cold because I get to do my favorite drug, which is NyQuil. I love that stuff. What do the rest of you use? Robitussin? Robitussin, why do you bother? Non-narcotic sissy pansy bullshit! NyQuil's the best thing I've ever read on a medicine package, '180 Proof.' It's the moonshine of medicine. You can buy it on a holiday! When I got a cold, I want something that's gonna fuck me up! Cause that way the blur seems interesting.

NyQuil comes in two colors, red and green. It's the only thing on the planet that tastes like...red and green. And red and green are what? Christmas colors! That's right, NyQuil makes a dandy eggnog. Oh yeah, my friends bitched through the whole party, 'This tastes like shit!' But at the end of it, we had a fun sleepover." -Lewis Black

3:26: Manny strikes out. I want pizza or some shit like that. Fuck hummus.

3:29: Youkilis flew out to left and they go to commercial. That's my clue to skedaddle. See ya suckers. Enjoy the res of the game on Gamecast or some shit.


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50 Comments

The Rangers bat 9 against Livan in the top of the first and score 4. It's a good thing Joe Mauer and Jason Kubel aren't in the line up today, otherwise the Twins would have a shot of coming back. It's a good thing I didn't skip work for this one.

What flavor syzurp?


Red.

If there are any Royals readers, I promise to start a monthly Royals recap called the Royals Rap-Up, where I recap the Royals month entirely in rap.

I vote for 32nd inning.

Too sick for proper formatting? HACK

This glog could get very interesting.

It'd be a first, that's for sure.

You are officially a faster glogger than the shitbag who types in the plays for mlb.com.

Fruit cup for you.

You're drinking syrup? Is this glog going to be screwed and chopped?

I don't know who's off to a worse start for this glog, Matsuzaka, or my ability to further comment on deadspin.

Oh you're a Deadspin commenter? This explains everything.

Get yo lean on.

It could be worse, I could be supermike. Thankfully, I'm not.

FMRA, where are you today??

CTC, still wanna make that bet?

I wonder which Tomahawk Chop Drew prefered, FSU's or Atlanta's?

JD DREW GRAND SLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hey Renegade, I'm sitting at home watching the game on my couch since I've got the afternoon off work. In case you were still wondering. WOOOOO SAWX etc. etc.

Oh good, we need you around these parts during glogs, for some Sox-related obsession and some comedy.

Apparently, you can download audio from Lester's no-hitter the other night to use as your cell phone ringtone.

...

YO DOOD, WHAT'S THAT ON YAH PHONE?
AHH, THAT'S DON OH-SILLAR CAWLLIN LESTAH'S NO-HITTAAAAAH
THAT'S WICKED FACKING COOL

...

/moves out of city

Worst thing about being a Royals fan this year? Down 4-1, and you're pretty sure it's over.

Worst thing about being a Royals fan every year? This is one of our better lineups. Like we had Shane Costa hit cleanup last year. Multiple times. You know. Shane Costa. That guy.

For other excellent Royals lineups from the last five year, I highly recommend: http://royalsblog.kansascity.com/?q=node/118

It was Pedroia, you fucking hack.

Also, as per an earlier post above: Heidi Watney knows nothing about baseball. GIVE ME YOUR JOB, LADY

Are they STILL talking about the freaking pajamas Don Orsillo supposedly lifted from a Japanese airline earlier this year? They spent the better part of the 2nd inning talking about that last night. Someone get these men an Us Weekly or something.

Also, Mark Teahen looks like an earnest Little Leaguer every time he comes up to bat.

I would love to hear their thoughts on Heidi and Spencer.

BAHAHA my ex-boyfriend from well over a year ago just called me and tried to get back together with me. SOMEONE'S not getting laid regularly, I can tell you that much.

Whoops, that had nothing to do with baseball. Kind of like pajamas, JERRY REMY.

A REAL LIVE ROYALS FAN NOT NAMED ROB NEYER

REJOICE

David Cook winner of American Idol last night is from KC and was wearing a Royals hat in some of taped bits.

/shoots self for knowing this

my gameday says gathright doubled to deep left...WTFGRRRR!!!

Is FutureMrs just talking to herself? Is she on the syrup, too?

Oh and then there is this for CTC and Rob:

Baseball to try Instant Replay:
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=3408154

Good thing you shot yourself for knowing that, Matt, or else I would have done the job.

Bob Davis is calling this game. He also calls Kansas basketball games. Sometimes, when a game is going like this, I like to pretend I'm listening to basketball.

It helps that Bob Davis can't call a baseball game to save his life.

Did Bob Davis call Drew's king dong a 'slam dunk'?

lugo bunted his ass on

I didn't flip the audio on until just after he hit that, but my guess would be "It's a home run." Not "grand slam." No mention of where it was hit. Who hit it and which team he plays for is optional. Also, he probably got very excited and jumped around the booth. The guy is the ultimate homer when he calls basketball, but gets unreasonably excited when another team crushes the Royals' soul. You should have heard the end of the no-hitter. You'd have thought Callaspo just hit an eight-run homer instead of whiffing at an outside fastball at his nipples.

I for one, am liking this new Pall Wall style of liveglog.

tippin on four fours, wrapped in four vouges

Y'all is noddin' ya headz.

SORRY I'm so WHITE

Someone call an ambulance for CTC.

@Rob I
You're more like Q-Tip's verse in Dee-Lite's "Groove is in the Heart" remix. Some soul, but mostly appreciated by goofy white kids.

Wheeee put in Craig Hansen!

...yeah I'm talking to myself. I have no friends.

Wait a sec, Paul Wall is white.

Oh.

Believe it or not, I have rhythm but no soul. It's the curse of the high school jazz band white kid.

@Future - I'd be your friend. But, I really only have room in my life for two. So, with the invisible one and the homeless guy on the corner, I'm tapped out.


But, we can share our hatred of the Cubs. We'll always have that.

Javier Lopez in for "Matt-Soo-Zaker" (as Remy would say) and gets the out on Alex Gordon. Bravo, Sox!

There's nothing quite so breathtakingly beautiful as tubby housewives from Reading in Tek jerseys doing the wave at Fenway.

@ Rob I
You're a white kid from North Jersey. Saying "I have rhythm but no soul" is redundant.

GRAND SLAM MIKE LOWELL! HOLY CRAP!!!

I like these Kansas City kids. Pretty easy on the eyes, too.

i like you post my friend it's just wow !!!!!!!!!

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