First Casualty Tossed from Mariners Sinking Ship

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Sure, the Seattle Mariners have the worst record in baseball. And sure, they have the worst on-base percentage in the American League. And yeah, they are second-to-last in runs scored, hits, RBIs, batting average and slugging percentage. And of course, they're doing all this with a $117 million payroll. But did that really mean the higher-ups had to fire the hitting coach, Jeff Pentland, who was the only remaining coach from the Mike Hargrove regime? Well, yes, unless you are emo Seattle beat writer Geoff Baker:

    "As you may have heard, Jeff Pentland has been fired as hitting coach of the Mariners. To me, this is akin to firing the first officer aboard the Titanic for not spotting the iceberg before the captain plowed into it. Or, perhaps the ship's cook for giving the first officer a touch of food poisoning that led him to go for a glass of water before not spotting the iceberg that was rammed."

Or perhaps, the man who is actually paid money to help professional hitters get over slumps using some sort of motivational and instructional approach. Baker may think that Pentland is merely a sacrificial lamb, but really the team is simply on the verge of exploding the entire franchise and dumping salaries left and right. Too bad they have only two trade-worthy players: Ichiro and Erik Bedard. So! Sayonara, assistant to the traveling secretary. Peace out, peanut vendor. See ya later, Mariner Moose.

At least Geoff Baker and I agree on one thing: the new hitting coach, 70-year-old traveling salesman Lee Elia, is the worst possible fucking thing that could ever happen to any team ever.

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Where's the part with Leonardo di Caprio?


If that iceberg was an inning, Carlos Silva would have eaten it!

/because that's what he does, he eats innings which somehow justifies him making $12M a year.

Oh I get it. The nautical references are because they're the Seattle Mariners. Go figure.

No, I think it's more because this team is a disaster of historical proportions.

What do you do with a bunch o' losers
What do you do with a bunch o' losers
What do you do with a bunch o' losers
Ear-liiy in the moooooooooorning?

Can we have a nautical-themed day on WoW every time they fire someone this season? We can sing sea chanties and eat hardtack and stuff!

I think it's important to remember that, even though this team IS underachieving a bit, the real issue is not that the M's aren't getting enough out of their players, but that the retarded squirrels running the team have spent an ungodly amount of money to retain the services of a group of players who almost universally suck. They have a leftfielder who has less range than the Mariner Moose, the single-worst regular DH in history, a first baseman whose swing brings up the phrase, "crippling arthritis", and 3/5 of their rotation is deplorable. All of this for the low-low price of $117 million.

So, it's probably just a bit lame that the hitting coach is taking the fall, here.

Now I see why Kenji Johjima has struggled. He has scurvy.

It is my belief that all hitting instructors should be motivational figures like Deepak Chopra. Perhaps Pentland didn't introduce enough meditation and self-awareness in the clubhouse. Or perhaps Richie Sexson shat on his yoga mat.

The Mariner's 2008 campaign brings new meaning to the term "Deadliest Catch."

/admits that was a stretch

Don't you think saying someone was "sacked" is more sporting than saying they were "fired"? That way they can justify spending their unemployment check (cheque? dole?) on kippers, bangers and fags.


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