Lee Elia is Trying to Poison You With Toxic Omelets

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Our favorite emo Mariners beat writer Geoff Baker was kind enough to transcribe a good portion of the pregame remarks by new Seattle hitting coach Lee Elia. After blathering on about treating his players like shit (and abusing his wife and children), Lee reflects on organizational change by giving the writers his secret for making a delicious and easy breakfast:

    "In everything in life, sometimes change is better,'' he said. "Sometimes you make an omelette in a baggie and put it in boiling water and it comes out just as juicy and even better than if you fry it.''

Jesus Christ, Lee! Boiling those Ziploc baggies is toxic. The Ziploc people do not recommend using their bags in boiling water because the baggies are made of a polyethylene plastic that softens at about 195 degrees Fahrenheit. Water boils at 212 degrees Fahrenheit, so that plastic would surely melt. There's no real scientific proof that there are carcinogens in the plastic baggies but I'll be goddamned if I'm going to test that hypothesis by having a cheddar and melted plastic omelet.

Wait a minute....holy crap, Lee Elia is trying to kill his wife and children by giving them cancerous omelets!

(We owe a six pack of Cokes to the folks at U.S.S. Mariner)

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Dear Mrs. Elia and kids,
Do not drink the cranberry spritzer either. The spritziness is actually arsenic and antifreeze.

And when you're done cooking, the bag makes a great baby toy!

The secret to Lee Elia's success? He eats everything out of a plastic bag. Either that or a Gertie Ball.

The toxic chemicals found in Ziploc bags are multi-fold!!

Don't any of you watch Top Chef? Lee Elia is just a proponent of cooking sous vide.

No Clare, Lee Elia doesn't have the proper faux-hawk or jaunty hat to be a professional molecular gastronomist.

Since when is "juiciness" considered a desirable quality in omelets?

I think we have a bit of miscommunication. Lee Elia thinks that "omelets" means steak, and baggie in boiling water" means grill. So, really, everything is ok.

/Urges Elia family to run far, far away

I used to think Lee Elia was crazy.
It's nice now to have confirmation.

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