Seattle Slump Singlehandedly Sinking Safeco Singles Scene

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Seattle sportsblogger Seth Kolloen got the assignment to write about the singles scene at Safeco Field, the home of the last place Mariners. Kolloen decides to write it as a goof piece, but comes off painting a pretty depressing portrait of a Seattle fan who has fallen on hard times, Richie Sexson-style.

The Mariners -- who also live in the basement and rarely score -- are just as unattractive to women. At least that's what I conclude from the looks of Safeco Field's Hit It Here Cafe on a couple of recent nights.

This bar, I'd been told, had turned into one of Seattle's best places to find attractive women who are receptive to the art of flirting. Or, to put it another way, a big drunken party. The Seattle P-I assigned me to write a story about this swingin' singles scene. But I'd missed it.

Seth brings his flirty friend Sophia to test out the theory, but the bar was practically empty, so they end up actually watching the game. The next night, he takes his friend Mark, a "flirty actor and singer with no shame." Mark strikes out and they end up watching the Stanley Cup playoffs with the kitchen help.

Call me crazy, but wouldn't it be easier to find a date in Seattle hanging out at coffeeshops and Citizen Dick shows?


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19 Comments

women who are receptive to the art of flirting

Geoff Baker wonders if this could be the name of Dashboard Confessional's next hit single.

Meanwhile, whenever I go to Spokane I literally cannot stop fucking.

"The Seattle P-I assigned me to write a story about this swingin' singles scene"

It's better than writing a story about a bunt singles scene

-Lame

If the Mariners had less singles and more XBH's they wouldn't live in the basement and they would score more often

Well, I think "Touch Me, I'm Dick," in essence, speaks for itself, you know. I think that, you know, that's basically what the song is, um... about... is about, you know... I-I think a lot of people might think it's actually about, you know,"My name is Dick, and, you know, you can touch me," but, I think, you know, it can be seen either way.

The Mariners -- who also live in the basement and rarely score -- are just as unattractive to women.

So is this guy asserting that the fact that the Mariners suck makes all the average Joes at the field look less lame by comparison than they otherwise would?

This might just be me, but watching my boys get clobbered at home would have the exact opposite of an aphrodisiac effect on me.

@fmra

If my boys ever get clobbered I'm done for the night at least.

I have a "boss" who I can't stand and she has a lisp, and I can't decide if it would be hilarious or frightening to hear her read that headline.

"but watching my boys get clobbered at home..."

"Clobber my boys" will be my new spankin'it euphamism from now on.

"but watching my boys get clobbered at home..."

"Clobber my boys" will be my new spankin'it euphamism from now on.

If your boys get clobbered too fast, just think about Xavier McDaniel.

God, boys, I leave for 10 minutes...

WATCHING MY TEAM GET SUMMARILY DEFEATED IN AN ATHLETIC COMPETITION IN THE CITY IN WHICH I RESIDE.

There. Fixed.

@farthammer
You have a euphamism for a euphamism

@ BC,

Yeah I do. Euphamisms are fun!

EUPH-E-MISM

Sorry, former English teacher. Can't help myself. Hugs!

What the hell is going on around here?

My swingin' singles scene always turns into a Bukowski novel by the end of the night, too.

I was just copying Farthammer.

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