There was a time when I was so broken hearted. Love wasn't much of a friend of mine. The tables have turned, because me and those ways have parted. That kind of love was the killing kind. The word out on the street is that these pansies are on the disabled list.
- David Ortiz, Red Sox: It appears that Ortiz will not need surgery on his wrist, which should help to quiet some Red Sox fans that were squealing like hysterical women. He just needs rest and immobilization. He should go talk to Schilling about that.
- John Smoltz, Braves: Smoltz came back for one game then his shoulder caught on fire or something. He's now submitting to season, not career, ending surgery. It will be a sad day when Smoltzy hangs em up but I know he won't leave our lives completely. For some reason I have a totally unfounded hunch that he could be a really good host of "This Old House."
- Jake Westbrook, Indians: Jakey caught the elbow soreness. I believe it was commenter Chief Wahoo who once asked "CTC, why do you hate Jake Westbrook so much?" I guess it's a combination of 3 things.
A. He sucks at pitching.
2. He's always hurt now.
III. He makes a ton of money.
Only once in his career has he posted an ERA under four.
- Vlad Guerrero, Scot Shields, Angels: These ones may turn out to be nothing but this article sounded so mysterious: "Angels' Vladimir Guerrero, Scot Shields to undergo medical tests" It's reminiscent of ekg meters and petri dishes. Vlad is having right knee problems and Shields has something rattling around in his rib cage. According to the Orange County Register, "it wouldn't be surprising if "one or the other" lands on the disabled list." But they also said sitting traffic makes you better looking.
- Carlos Pena, Rays: Pena hit the DL with a fractured left index finger. Since he's a lefty this probably means he won't be able to do a certain something with his dominant hand. If you do that certain something with your offhand it feels like a strange old man is doing it. At least that's what I heard on a Henry Rollins spoken word CD once. Also, Pena would have been useless in last night's brawl
- Ryan Zimmerman, Nationals: After playing all 162 games last year, Zimmerman is landing on the DEEL after tearing his left labrum on a slide into second base. Zimmerman took the injury as an opportunity to talk about how much he loves the game. "I want to play here for a long time, and there's no reason to go out and do something to make it worse." By "here" he must have meant "earth" because no one can like playing for the Nats.