We had so many comments I decided to create an overflow post for the semis and finals. This is where all that will happen. Your semifinalists are Josh Hamilton, Ryan Braun, Justin Morneau, and Lance Berkman.
9:57PM: Here's Lance Berkman. You are a mere child compared to Josh Hamilton. A fat, fat child.
10:00PM: Berkman knocks out a few dongs to put his total at somewhere in the teens. Good, but not Hamiltonian enough.
10:03PM: Justin Morneau once played hockey! And is Canadian! His people sew maple leaves on their lame backpacks when they go to Europe so they are not confused with ugly Americans. Dear Italy, please punch out people with maple leaves on their backpacks. Signed, Rob. Reggie Jackson is snooze-worthy as a guest but gladdens me because we are spared the Bermanian nonsense.
10:06PM: I know we're not allowed to say no Twins in the home run derby finals. but...no Twins in the home run derby finals, Justin. Slow it down there. Also, SHUT UP AND DIE, RICK REILLY.
10:08PM: Seriously, I mean it. Oh well, Lance Berkman has been eliminated by Monsieur Morneau. Here comes Ryan Braun. Win one for kosher bakeries everywhere, sir! I WANT CRISPY NORMAL SIZED HOT BAGELS. Oops, commercial break.
10:12PM: John Kruk was a .300 hitter? Or did Karl Ravech mean he was a 300 lb hitter? I'm not quite sure. Here's Ryan Braun now, ferreals.
10:14PM: Josh Hamilton proves there is a God? Huh? No Rick Reilly, its a great night to be an atheist, because if there was a God, you wouldn't be on television. You dumb hack.
10:16PM: Rick Reilly: worst TV commentator in Home Run Derby history or worst commentator in sports history? Ryan Braun looks too skinny to be hitting all these tater tots. Skinny, but strong.
10:18PM: You know why Josh Hamilton is a great story? Because he can hit 500 foot homers while putting up with the incessant line of questions by the media types. Leave the man alone with his club soda at the corner booth of Mortons, you vultures. Also, Ryan Braun is 4 homers shy of sending that Canuck home.
10:20PM: And Ryan Braun is eliminated. Holy crap. Justin Morneau versus Josh Hamilton. Evil versus good. For the title.
10:22PM: Somewhere, Babes Love Baseball blogger Sooze is getting all worked up about this Morneau character. Let's see what Josh Hamilton can do to warm up here for the finals.
10:24PM: The semifinals for Mr. Hamilton are like the calm before the storm. This is not unsimilar to that time in college when I ran home because I was about to shit my pants, but then lost control right before I reached my front steps.
10:26PM: Time for another commercial break, brought to you by Lucky Strike. So easy on the draw!
10:28PM: How does this thing work now? I realize that both gents start at zero, but who goes first?
10:32PM: Okay I have no idea how this contest works and I don't care who is going to win what. All I know is that we got $50 from MLB.com to give away for posting a link about their contest but now I'm pissed I have to sit through this.
10:34PM: Fans as a whole are awesome. Individual fans totally suck. Enough already watching this nonsense so some schlub could win a few sheckels or a shitty car. ON WITH THE TATERS
10:36PM: Here's Monsieur Morneau, who makes an out on his first three swings. Whoops! That's not gonna topple the mighty Hammy.
10:38PM: A ground ball? Really Justin? Really? Well, I'm sure you'll be happy crying yourself to sleep while snuggling with your ILL-BEGOTTEN MVP AWARD. He has three dongs in his first ten swings.
10:40PM: JUSTIN MORNEAU WEARS A NUMBER ON HIS BACK THAT HONORS A HOCKEY GOALIE? SIGH. Kid Canada finishes with five measly tater dongs.
10:41PM: Oh cripes, another commercial break. Brought to you by the good people at Miller.
10:45PM: Yes John Kruk, someday Josh Hamilton could be a Yankee. Sounds delish! He taters on his second swing. DEEP.
10:47PM: Has anything ever in history been as assuredly definite as Hamilton winning this thing? As in...if he loses, will the Morneau RickRoll be the worst thing that ever happened to me?
10:49PM: Berman just used the word "doinker," which is strange, because I invented that word to describe the time I shi....oh, nevermind. CMON, JOSH!
10:51PM: HOLY CRAP FOR THE LOVE OF GLOG I HAVE NEVER NEEDED ANYTHING AS BADLY AS I NEEDED THIS
10:52PM: Oh dammit a Twin won the home run derby, thus proving my point: the home run derby is a sham. Sigh. Nobody likes you, Justin Morneau. Not even Erin Andrews, who is now interviewing the 'runner-up' Josh Hamilton.
10:54PM: Thanks for joining us on our home run derby liveglog, folks! I take back everything negative I said about Monsieur Morneau. He's a great hitter and a class act, through and through. But I swear, if I ever encounter him in Italy and he's wearing a maple leaf on his backpack, I'm gonna shit my pants. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!