2008 Home Run Derby Liveglog: Semis and Finals

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We had so many comments I decided to create an overflow post for the semis and finals. This is where all that will happen. Your semifinalists are Josh Hamilton, Ryan Braun, Justin Morneau, and Lance Berkman.

9:57PM: Here's Lance Berkman. You are a mere child compared to Josh Hamilton. A fat, fat child.

10:00PM: Berkman knocks out a few dongs to put his total at somewhere in the teens. Good, but not Hamiltonian enough.

10:03PM: Justin Morneau once played hockey! And is Canadian! His people sew maple leaves on their lame backpacks when they go to Europe so they are not confused with ugly Americans. Dear Italy, please punch out people with maple leaves on their backpacks. Signed, Rob. Reggie Jackson is snooze-worthy as a guest but gladdens me because we are spared the Bermanian nonsense.

10:06PM: I know we're not allowed to say no Twins in the home run derby finals. but...no Twins in the home run derby finals, Justin. Slow it down there. Also, SHUT UP AND DIE, RICK REILLY.

10:08PM: Seriously, I mean it. Oh well, Lance Berkman has been eliminated by Monsieur Morneau. Here comes Ryan Braun. Win one for kosher bakeries everywhere, sir! I WANT CRISPY NORMAL SIZED HOT BAGELS. Oops, commercial break.

10:12PM: John Kruk was a .300 hitter? Or did Karl Ravech mean he was a 300 lb hitter? I'm not quite sure. Here's Ryan Braun now, ferreals.

10:14PM: Josh Hamilton proves there is a God? Huh? No Rick Reilly, its a great night to be an atheist, because if there was a God, you wouldn't be on television. You dumb hack.

10:16PM: Rick Reilly: worst TV commentator in Home Run Derby history or worst commentator in sports history? Ryan Braun looks too skinny to be hitting all these tater tots. Skinny, but strong.

10:18PM: You know why Josh Hamilton is a great story? Because he can hit 500 foot homers while putting up with the incessant line of questions by the media types. Leave the man alone with his club soda at the corner booth of Mortons, you vultures. Also, Ryan Braun is 4 homers shy of sending that Canuck home.

10:20PM: And Ryan Braun is eliminated. Holy crap. Justin Morneau versus Josh Hamilton. Evil versus good. For the title.

10:22PM: Somewhere, Babes Love Baseball blogger Sooze is getting all worked up about this Morneau character. Let's see what Josh Hamilton can do to warm up here for the finals.

10:24PM: The semifinals for Mr. Hamilton are like the calm before the storm. This is not unsimilar to that time in college when I ran home because I was about to shit my pants, but then lost control right before I reached my front steps.

10:26PM: Time for another commercial break, brought to you by Lucky Strike. So easy on the draw!

10:28PM: How does this thing work now? I realize that both gents start at zero, but who goes first?

10:32PM: Okay I have no idea how this contest works and I don't care who is going to win what. All I know is that we got $50 from MLB.com to give away for posting a link about their contest but now I'm pissed I have to sit through this.

10:34PM: Fans as a whole are awesome. Individual fans totally suck. Enough already watching this nonsense so some schlub could win a few sheckels or a shitty car. ON WITH THE TATERS

10:36PM: Here's Monsieur Morneau, who makes an out on his first three swings. Whoops! That's not gonna topple the mighty Hammy.

10:38PM: A ground ball? Really Justin? Really? Well, I'm sure you'll be happy crying yourself to sleep while snuggling with your ILL-BEGOTTEN MVP AWARD. He has three dongs in his first ten swings.

10:40PM: JUSTIN MORNEAU WEARS A NUMBER ON HIS BACK THAT HONORS A HOCKEY GOALIE? SIGH. Kid Canada finishes with five measly tater dongs.

10:41PM: Oh cripes, another commercial break. Brought to you by the good people at Miller.

10:45PM: Yes John Kruk, someday Josh Hamilton could be a Yankee. Sounds delish! He taters on his second swing. DEEP.

10:47PM: Has anything ever in history been as assuredly definite as Hamilton winning this thing? As in...if he loses, will the Morneau RickRoll be the worst thing that ever happened to me?

10:49PM: Berman just used the word "doinker," which is strange, because I invented that word to describe the time I shi....oh, nevermind. CMON, JOSH!


10:52PM: Oh dammit a Twin won the home run derby, thus proving my point: the home run derby is a sham. Sigh. Nobody likes you, Justin Morneau. Not even Erin Andrews, who is now interviewing the 'runner-up' Josh Hamilton.

10:54PM: Thanks for joining us on our home run derby liveglog, folks! I take back everything negative I said about Monsieur Morneau. He's a great hitter and a class act, through and through. But I swear, if I ever encounter him in Italy and he's wearing a maple leaf on his backpack, I'm gonna shit my pants. GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE!

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I am so happy with that photo.

University of Washington


Oh, Honeynut.

its only funny because you were turd. I mean third.

Does Berkman wear eyeliner?

I want one of those shirts


Does Hamilton even have to hit in this round?

I wanna know what the fuck someone said to Washington to prompt the face that's on that shirt. Must have been a laff riot.


Is it just me or is this round now boring and meaningless?

Is there a chat emoticon for jaw-on-floor face?

See kids, drugs are good for you!

Only one person could have followed that performance by Hamliton, and that man is Reggie Jacksozzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


R-Dub is the happiest, most jovial coach of all time and should be our manager right now. I guarantee he has that look on his face at least 50% of the day.

BJilly - I'm thinking the same thing. Let's just move onto the finals.

Should've used U.L. Washington's face.


Maybe Hamilton will hit 50.

This thing should wrap up by 5 am.

I hope that suitcase Volquez gave J Ham contained a blank check from Tom Hicks


So the finals have all HR's wiped clean? So Hamilton could still lose? I am not happy with that.

According to Rick Reilly, Josh Hamilton was addicted to heroine, coke, alcohol, sex, and jenkum.

Not for nothing, but Morneau is hitting BOMBS right now. I hope Hamilton has an extra septuagenarian or two back there to throw extra pitches.

If only this story had a retarded kid or someone in a wheelchair, then Reilly could die happy.

Josh Hamilton is my anti-drug.

I love how they keep bringing up Hamilton being a former heroin addict. As someone who frequently freebases cocaine, it gives me hope.

Or neglect from his alcoholic father

@Reserve - Dad?

I don't always drink beer, but when I do, I binge drink them.

Could I interest you in a bialy?

or if Hamilton intentionally hit a baseball at an umpire's face

I wish they would tell me whether or not Hamilton regrets his ink or not.

So I am assuming Bart Simpson's series of news telecasts entitled "Bart's People" was inspired by both Kent Brochman and Rick Reilly.

I think he HEROIN regrets his ink because HEROIN it reminds him HEROIN of a difficult time in HEROIN his life. I believe he may have been under the influence of a drug, but I'm not sure.

Alright, peeps, I thought this would've been over by now. I should've known better.

Anyways, go Hamilton (I bet for him over at Ladies...).

Joe Morgan: "I like the way Morneau is built."

Joe Morgan porn? Joe-rno?

WHy go to Morton's if you are in San Francisco? House of Prime Rib, while obviously specialized, is far better. As is Chain Restaurant Izzy's. Shit, Joe Dimaggio's in Washington Square Park is better than Morton's. ANYTHING BUT MORTON'S

Jesus, that first HR by Hamilton looked like he wasn't even trying.

I used to smoke unfiltered Lucky Strikes. Then i got a brown ring on my front teeth so i stopped.

That fourth out by Hamilton looked like he wasn't trying, either. MORE FUNNY BONES, LESS ADVERTISEMENTS.

...worked up isn't even the word. Man, I love me some Canadian Crusher.

Am I drunk or did they switch jerseys?




What in the fuck is this nonsense?

We'll go with both. Also, I woulda picked center field.

well that was pointless


Reilly is talking about blackjack in Vegas. He's just taunting Simmons now.

Rob, there were no other viable candidates in 2006.

Morgan thinks MOrneau has good balance in his swing. As opposed to Hamilton, who gets dizzy and falls over every time.

A "top shelfer" is when you shit in the top part of someone else's toilet. You of all people should know that Berman.

"Can Josh Hamilton finish the story he's written so perfectly?"

Yeah Berman, because winning the Home Run Derby is clearly the pinnacle of anyone's career.

We know that out west as an Upper Decker.


If Morneau ends up winning with that flacid performance, I'm gonna drive up to Canada and kill John Candy.

GOB's music!


What a shit ending.

Oh nevermind he thanked Jesus.

/ends love affair with Hamilton

"Oh nevermind he thanked Jesus."

His lord and savior, that is.

Weeee Justin!

Morneau thanked St. Patrick of Montreal, the true lord and savior.

I'm going to dream about hitting tater tots, maybe in a few years you'll see me out there.

I'm happy for Sooze and zero other Twins fans.

Well that ended with a whimper. Kind of like the last date I went on.


Worst ending since I am Legend.

One last Morgan-ism: "well just goes to show the home run still excites people"


Dream sequences and shitty endings? Is this No Country for Old Men?

Needs more "shit my pants" jokes.

Anyone else catch Berman say one of Hamilton's HR's was headed for Staten Island? Buy a fucking map fat man.

Why the fuck do you hate Morneau so much?

I'm happy for Sooze and zero other Twins fans.

Thanks a lot ass hole.

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