Indians 5, Tigers 0: Ol' HGH-usin', Jesus-praisin', pornography-lovin' Paul Byrd finally got his shit in gear just in time to shut out Detroit for eight innings. Hey, now the Indians are only fourteen games back! Thanks, Paul Byrd! Kelly Shoppach and Asdrubal Cabrera tater-totted off sad-sack loser Kenny Rogers. Could there possibly be a matchup of two pitchers I dislike less than these two chumps? Signs point to no, unless Orel Hershiser un-retires and Curt Schilling comes back from the dead.
Blue Jays 3, Rays 1: A.J. Burnett, who absolutely won't be traded, J.P. Ricciardi swears, gave up zero earned runs in seven innings, striking out 10 and picking up his career-high-matchin' twelfth win. No, no, believe me...he won't be traded. Stop calling Mr. Ricciardi immediately. You're wasting your rollover minutes. He will not be traded, ferreals. Matt Stairs, whom Ricciardi would absolutely trade if he got a better offer than "a box of Entenmann's cookies and a carton of goat milk", hit a two-run ding-dong.
Cardinals 12, Braves 3: If Atlanta's season hadn't ended this past weekend, it sure would have been over after this clusterfuck. Rookie hurler Charlie Morton was tagged for eight runs in three and two-thirds innings of 'pitching' in which he gave up 4 farts walks and 7 hits. Joe Mather singled, doubled, and totted to lead the Cardinal offense while Braden Looper was effective and mildly efficient, not unlike a low-budget Japanese sedan. Someone named Nick Stavinoha exists.