Brian Giles is a Real Housewife of San Diego County

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Padres veteran outfielder Brian Giles really enjoys playing in sunny San Diego. The 37-year-old Southern California native loves to tan, and back when he played in Pittsburgh, Giles spent more time in a tanning bed than A-Rod spends in Madonna's bed (TOPICAL REFERENCE! ZING!). Anyway, Giles hurt his thigh last month when slamming into the wall at Yankee Stadium and came away with a nasty, tan-ruining purple bruise:

    Giles injured the hamstring at Yankee Stadium on June 19. He downplayed the injury, even as the back of his thigh became discolored. Said outfielder Scott Hairston: "First time I've seen a purple leg. I've never seen anything like that before." Hairston laughed and jokingly added, "His beautiful tan was altered. I'm sure that hurt him more than anything."

Oh Brian, you're so vain. You probably think this blog is about you. Well, I guess it is, but we're pointing out your vanity for our own entertainment and comparing you to a spoiled rich housewife who has ample time to tan and get her hair frosted with Jason Kendall.

Heck, if the leg was really hurt that badly, Giles should have had Greg Maddux tinkle on it.

(We owe a six-pack of Mexican Coke to Gaslamp Ball)

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He looks like Zach Morris after a catastrophic wasp attack.

+1 for the topical reference

-1 for making me picture Carly Simon

Mexican Coke goes great with veggie-burritos!

Columbian Coke goes great with hookers!

Tanning in the nude is the way to go.

Nothing sexier than a tanned taint.

Does he have a devil on his shoulder in that picture telling him to do bad things.

By the history of these pervy Padres, "purple leg" is definitely a euphemism for dong. And not the four-base kind.

Giles is the WASP attack

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