The Saturday Morning Post: No Sleep 'Til Bloomquist

As the new guy around WoW headquarters, it is expected that I: clean the coffeemaker, polish the Wil Cordero framed mugshot, and finish all the paperwork that keeps my posts out of a Customs lockup. I'm going to forgo the perfunctory throat-clearing and first-person testimonial to get right to the baseball happenings you missed while you taking part in an elaborate zombie-baiting sting operation:

White Sox 6, Tigers 5: Hipsters everywhere will shear their ironic mustaches this morning, hoping to avoid association with Todd Jones. Jermaine Dye's 2 out, 2 run home run in the ninth handed the White Sox the win and Todd Jones his third blown save. The Sox win and another (fifth in a row) Twins loss add up to Ozzie Guillen being an evil genius.

Braves 8, Phillies 2: A well pitched divisional battle received a hearty Lidging and suddenly the Phillies are losers of three in a row. The up-to-this-point excellent closer didn't get a soul out and now the Phils are tied with the Hanley Ramirezes, two games behind the surging Mets. Carlos Delgado's quiet dignity and red-hot July have the Mets in a perfect position to implode under the weight of their own expectations once again.

Yankees 1, Red Sox 0: Some kid named Chamberlain looked damn good in his fourth straight quality start, striking out 9 in 7 shutout innings. Included in those Ks was some guy playing for the first time in two months. This was an exciting, well-played game between the only two teams in the world that can make a 1-0 game last three hours. The Rays had a bye tonight, and remain atop the division that understatement forgot. Xavier Nady became a Yankee last night, continuing his own proud tradition of being good enough to be traded for but not good enough to warrant keeping.

Astros 3, Brewers 1: Manny Parra failed to justify your love and lost for the first time since May 3rd. He had won 8 consecutive decisions, just like the tater-toting Brewers. Parra lost with panache though, allowing but 3 runs over 6 innings. The Cubs, Reds, Pirates and Cards all mixed the flavor of defeat into their hearty Midwestern diets.

Meanwhile out West: Business as usual. Birds sung, K-Rod saved, and the Rangers went buckwild in the 9th inning. No matter what the scoreboard tells me; all the NL West teams lost. Their losses are society's gain.

So....yeah, about that. It will be better next time, I SWEAR. The first time is always awkward. You're always rushing just to get it in there to say that you've done it. Once I arrive home from my walk of shame, I'll fix my gaze on today's games designed for a Zelasko-reduced diet.