What's Up Creampuff: Dudes That Got Hurt

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stretcher.JPGAs we approach this 4th Of July weekend, not only do we look back on that day in 1976 when Baby Jesus was born and visited America, bringing popcorn to the Indians, we also reflect on those less fortunate then us. People like those listed below, who are such injury riddled invalids that they can't lick a stamp without getting hurt.

  • Magglio Ordonez, Tigers: The Big Tilde is on the DL for the forseeable future. In fact, El Permo will come back and play when he's damn well ready. I think that's fair. Pulled right obliques don't heal on their own you know. Actually, yeah I guess they do. Whatever.

  • Hideki Matsui, Yankees: Matsui, a man I've always feared the most when coming to bat against my team, is "hobbled" by a left knee injury. There's swelling and all kinds of other nasty stuff. Talk from the trainers is cautiously optimistic. Even worse, is that this is a different knee than Matsui had surgery on in the offseason. Even worsest, he's tried rubbing dirty panties on it and it's not helping.

  • Troy Percival, Rays: One of the dangers of having an elderly closer is that things just start spontaneously straining, snapping and disintegrating. On Percival this week it was the hamstring. Contrary to most soundbites in these situations Percival says he's fighting "an uphill battle" and things aren't getting much better. Sounds like my job too.

  • Chris Snyder, Diamondbacks: GAAH! TESTICLE FRACTURE! Move on, move on, next guy, next guy....

  • Rafael Furcal, Dodgers: Back surgery always sounds serious to me. Optimistic looks like 2 months, reality looks like season ending. That's a tough one as he was one of the offensive bright spots for this team early in the season. I saw a cartoon in the New Yorker last week where a doc says to a patient, "Well the good news is that the surgery will cure your back pain, the bad news is you'll have nothing to talk about." I laughed then looked down on people that don't read The New Yorker.

  • Matt Capps, Pirates: Madcap closer Matt Capps has an inflamed shoulder. He's out eight weeks but will not require surgery. Anyone got a joke here? I got nothin.

  • Felix Hernandez, Mariners: So I'm actually writing to you today from the lovely space needle in Seattle and I just learned of King Felix's trip to the DL with a sprained ankle and... OH MY GOD GEOFF BAKER ALMOST JUST LANDED ON ME.

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Matt's shoulder is inflammed from eating too many of his cousin Andy's Hot Fries.

The Pirates' ship is Capps-ized.

/foments great self-hatred

The lack of The Big Tilde at the Detroit Pants Party next weekend has me at Geoff Baker levels - I think I'm gonna go put on some Dashboard....

Anyone got a joke here?

Sure! So a priest, a politician and a one legged hooker walk into a bar and... what's that? About Matt Capp? Ohhhhhh.

No I got nothing on that either.

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