August 2008 Archives

In a baseball sense, we all spent last night with a girl WAY outta our league. A mindless little tart named College Football tried to draw our attention away; but last's nights baseball action went the Sexy Librarian Marine Biologist route, and we were putty in her hands. Now hungover, we can all make the walk (off walk) of shame together. But not before we stop in for some brunch and look down the shirt of the waitress named Sunday's slate of games.

The Big Men that Broke the Elevator: You want big names to seal the deal? Roy Halladay leads his Blue Jays into Yankee Stadium for the final time, with Andy Petttitte offering resistance for the Yankees. The Big Z will take on the Old M in the rubber match in Chicago, a game both teams would love to have. CC Sabathia puts his perfect National League record on the line against the Pirates. Symbolic ace Pedro Martinez hopes to pitch a complete game, lest he be saddled with a ND. Pedro may hit the wall after 90 pitches these days, but an exhausted Pedro is better than whatever trash they'd send out there after him. The Mets bullpen has blown 11 of its last 26 save opportunities. That is downright ugly.

The Even Have Aces on the West Coast: John Lackey leads his Angels against the Rangers, looking for a four game sweep and to lower their magic number to 7. Jake Peavy is an ace, but the current state of the Padres devalues that statement considereably. Peavy is still a stud though, as he takes the man that started Game 1 of last year's World Series Jeff Francis. Yeah, that skinny Canadian kid that has been atrocious this year. Francis has actually thrown together a few good starts, but his K rate is way down and his BB rate is way up. Not generally good for business, even against the Padres.

You're so good, you get to play in front of everyone: The Dodgers and Diamondbacks finish their "big" series in the desert. Brandon Webb works quickly and induces ground balls, a recipe for success. Derek Lowe induces ground balls also, but with the Dodgers defense behind him, that is a recipe for disaster. Lowe is a free agent at the end of the year, his record betrays his performance for the year. Maybe a good outing on a big stage will help convince some GMs? Only if those GMs are Yahoo commenters.

With the odds stacked against it, Sunday afternoon isn't going down without a fight. Lots of good stuff here. Enjoy the games!

Dear Mother of God, last night's ongoings were of a historical and mindblowing nature. If I live to be ninety, I will never forget what I saw. Honestly though, I think my brain might explode.

Marlins 4, Mets 3: Game details mumble mumble...Mike Jacobs...massive home run.....Aaron Heilman...four walks...Brian McCann...home run....Nationals win fifth straight...Who cares? The NL East Brings the Shrimp! Best division in baseball? I certainly think so. Double WoW in the same division! Whichever team emerges from this crustacean-laden morass will win the World Series. The Shrimps have foreseen it.

Rays 10, Orioles 9: The Rays bullpen has been outstanding all year, but last night deferred to a higher power. Nick Markakis's two out, game-tying bomb bounced off the scoreboard displaying Dan Wheeler's previously impressive stats. But that's okay, as it set the stage for an uber-dramatic, ROCCOFF WIN for the Rays. Rocco put the Rays ahead in the 8th with a clutch RBI hit by pitch, then sent the reasonably-sized crowd home happy with a double that scored Carlos Pena from first. Seriously Florida, if this crazy game doesn't bring you out en masse, I'm going to up and move this team to Montreal. YOUPPI WOULD SUPPORT THE FROZEN RAYS. The Red Sox have stolen the Yankees ability to stuff any corpse into their jersey and get production out of it. Young guy Mark Bowden pitched 5 effective innings while 30 year old random Jeff Bailey hit his second career ding dong to pace the Red Sox over the White Sox. Dustin Pedroia is 8 for 8 in this series, and 12 for his last 17 overall. He's little, but good.

Dodgers 6, Diamondbacks 2: No one could ever accuse Manny Ramirez of not trying. Well, you couldn't accuse him of not hitting, effort notwithstanding. Manny knocked four more hits last night, with two tots among them. Danny Haren was not his sharpest, allowing 10 ten hits and five runs in six innings. Chris Young did his best with a double & triple, but the Dodgers still snapped their losing streak and gained a precious game in the standings. The youth movement is in full swing in San Diego. The bunch of plucky youngsters cheaply beat the Rockies in Josh Geer's big league debut. I'm not 100%, but I think Josh Geer may actually be Lobster Baby.

A's 3, Twins 2: Walkoff walks? Roccoff Wins? Boring and predictable, says Bill Beane. The real value is walkoff sacrifice bunts-turned-throwing errors. It's where the real money is. Joe Nathan blew his fifth save of the year and has no one to blame but himself. Sort of. His attempt to get the force at third wasn't perfect, but Brendan Harris really should have done better to prevent the Coliseum's vast foul territory from swallowing the errant throw whole. Emil Brown scored from first on a throwing error. That ain't right. What the Mariners lack in offense, they make up in wacky names. Tug Hulett (!!) hit his first career tater tot and JJ Putz grabbed the ever-popular blown save/win when the Mariners overcame secretly awesome Shin Soo Choo's clutch 9th inning dinger with two runs in the top of 10. The Angels won thanks to some crappy umpiring and Frankie Rodriquez got another damn save. He has 53 now, his third in three days. Even I have to admit that's pretty impressive.

Brewers 11, Pirates 2: Milwaukee maintained its stranglehold on the Wildcard by strangling the Pirates. Corey Hart & Mike Cameron hit home runs, enough for Jeff Suppan when the lowly Bucs are involved. The Cubs actually lost a home game because the Phillies remembered they're the team that hits lots of tots. Albert Pujols joined Manny & Dustin in the Four Hits Club, but his team didn't win like the rest. The Astros hit three homers but grounded into five double plays, keeping this one respectable. I should stress again that Albert Pujols is absurdly, cartoonishly good.

The Royals? Really AL Central, that is the best you can do? That is Gas Face worthy, my friends. On such a historic night, you couldn't bring it up to the level of your peers. I should be more forgiving, as this one night of baseball could sustain me all winter long. I even had to wake up Lobster Baby to commemorate this wondrous night. We all must vote for the Cave Shrimp to keep the baseball Gods happy.

Unless Roy Halladay, Brandon Webb and CC Sabathia all pitch perfect games, today has no shot of approaching last night's awesomeness. Baseball is great, and all is right in the world.

Aiiiiiii! Elijah Dukes walks and the Nats win!!! You shrimped, dogg.



We also would have accepted "You dead, shrimp" or "You walked, shrimpdogg."

Yeah seriously ferreals Aaron Heilman pulled a Kenny Rogers as he walked Josh Willingham with the bases bloated, plating Hanley Ramirez with the winning run for the Marlins. Here's your moment of shrimp:

If you are working on this fine & final long weekend of the summer, you should consider filing suit with your employer. The inability to get to the ballpark, or listen to these games on the radio while you grill meat and/or meat substitutes is a crime. A crime I say!

One for the history books: Yankee Stadium will be at its most resplendent today, playing host to a duel for the ages, Darrel Rasner against John Parrish. I get chills just thinking about the long men taking over for these two gladiators after 4 innings. David Eckstein gets what could be his final start in a Blue Jay uniform, as rumours swirl of him moving to Anaheim or even Arizona. Scrappy white guys everywhere shed a tear.

Fox blew their budget on that new Jerry O'Connell vehicle: That is the only explanation for threatening to broadcast the Mariners and Indians across the nation. Cooler heads have prevailed, so most folks will see the Phillies and the Cubs. America's Shining Star Brett Myers takes on Theodore Roosevelt Lily. The Rockets Red Glare indeed. The Rays get more national love, facing the Orioles at home on the big TV channel. I hope Fox employs Chinese government slaves seat fillers to make the Trop look almost half-full.

Throwdown when the Sun go down: What better way to spend your evening then taking in a pivotal NL West showdown? Things don't get any easier for the Dodgers, facing a growing deficit and Danny Haren tonight. Chad Billingsley will do his part for Dem Bums. The Mets and Fish send two surprising studs of their respective rotations, as good friend to children Mike Pelfrey takes on childishly named Ricky Nolasco. I'll give you a shiny dime if you predicted these two guys would be going head-to-head in a relatively large series. My doppelganger Mark Buehrle tries to stave off the charging Twins, leading his Pale Hose against something called Michael Bowden and the Red Sox. In the grand Red Sox tradition, he will be nearly unhittable in his big league debut, prompting the Sons of Sam Horn to curse every subsequent start he makes as "not good enough."

If you aren't out enjoying one of these games at your local ballpark/backyard/seedy tavern, I have no hope for our world. Some of these games will go a long way in determining who gets the dreaded WoW funeral on Tuesday. Be afraid Scully.

Last night; baseball was played and you tried to stay up for it all. Sadly you faded out again.

Twins 12, A's 2: The Twins banged out 20 hits (5 from Mauer and 4 from Morneau) in the comprehensive housing of the A's. Jack Cust managed to unclog the bases for a few minutes, but the inability to stop the Twins sneaky attack means they are just a half game back of the White Sox. The Indians welcomed Victor Martinez back just in time to see their winning streak finally came to an end. At the hands of the mighty Mariners, no less! Felix Hernandez was excellent, Jeremy Sowers wasn't bad either, but in a losing effort. The Tigers got another good start from Zack Miner against the Royals, but lost Miguel Cabrera with a strained pectoral muscle. Jim Leyland seems really embarrassed by the changes in Miguel's body.

Mets 5, Marlins 4: A Carlos Beltran tetra tot wasn't enough for the Mets bullpen, who try as they might, simply couldn't give this game away. Luis Ayala did what he could to make Francisco Rodriquez stinking rich, giving up 2 runs and 4 hits in picking up the save. The Mets move 2 up on the Phillies, who are wondering when instant replay will point its all-seeing eyes towards safe/out calls. Ryan Howard was called out at first base on a very close play, only to be called out as the umpire assumed a dude that fat couldn't possibly leg out on infield single. Dude blew his top, first base coach Davey Lopes got tossed (Oh no! Whoever will hold the shin pads?) to no avail, as Alfonso Soriano hit one of those Alfonso Soriano home runs that look like it might break away from Earth in the bottom of the inning. Carlos Marmol relieved Knute Rockne and slammed the very much ajar door shut. Uh, the Nats beat the Braves, and have won four in a row. Democracy wins again.

Rays 14, Orioles 3: So, the Rays are good. They're actually good. You and I can't deny it, all the bitterness in the world isn't going to change it. You're wrong about them being built on high draft picks, too. They hit a King Dong and two ding dongs, stole bases and basically beat the O's all over central Florida. They got a typical outing from the worst ace in the league, the maddening Kid K(an you believe how infrequently I throw strikes?) The Red Sox shoved the White Sox down the back of the dresser, sending Ozzie scrambling to make a pair in the morning. How come Dice-K isn't mentioned in any Cy Young discussions? Dude is 16-2, perhaps his nerd stats aren't as good as Cliff Lee's, he still has a solid WHIP and ERA+. The Yankees sent out unheralded youngster Carl Pavano, and the kid got it done. He held the vaunted Blue Jays offense in check, before turning it over the the vaunted Yankee bullpen who shut it down. AJ Burnett was awesome, but didn't win, so he'll likely go hungry this winter.

Diamondbacks 9, Dodgers 3: The LA Dodgers continued to ride the hot hitting of deadline acquisition Manny Ramirez right into a playoff spot. Is what I would be writing if the Dodgers hadn't forgotten how to win. Manny may have been 4-4, raising his NL average to .400 even, but Nomar made more fatal errors than the farm girl during Frosh Week. Chan Ho Park didn't help matters, tossing soju on the fire until the game was out of reach. That would be 8 in a row for the Dodgers, who are 4.5 games back. The Rockies beat the Padres behind Aaron Cook, but hopefully they aren't deluded enough to think they're still "in it."

Astros 3, Cardinals 2: Lance Berkman hit the first walkoff shot of his storied career. His ballpark-adjusted career is less impressive, but let's just enjoy the moment. With any luck, the Cardinals will take one game out of this series, turning it into some kind of double elimination. Show's over fellas, take your peak at Albert Pujols's enormous penis and move on.

You repeated failure is really putting a damper on our relationship AL West. Yes, I know that K-Rod got his 52nd save of the year, but the only thing cheesier than saves is K-Rod's save dance for Jesus. Yes, it means another Gas Face for you AL West. Don't worry, Ichiro will pull you through. Soon we'll look at the day's games, unless you email me and demand a different form of entertainment*.

*entertainment only implied, no guarantees of any kind will be honoured.

Hey kids, it's been a long time comin'

• CAN the Red Sox survive with a piecemeal rotation this weekend against the other Sox? I hope David Pauley can throw harder than his mom Jane.
  
  
• WILL the Marlins keep things interesting(er) in the NL East and stay in the race? Three games against the Mets with Volstad, Nolasco, and Olsen can make a world of difference if they win 'em.
  
  
• MIGHT the Dodgers actually score a coupla runs this weekend? Their batting average with RISP has actually been negative this past week, but they're still just a few games behind weekend opponent Arizona.
  
  
• DID you know that there was a picture of a baby in a shrimp outfit on the Internets and you were just holding it back from us? Shame on you if you did.
  
  
• CAN the Blue Jays catch the Yankees this weekend? If so, I have to take a picture of myself wearing a Blue Jays hat saying "Adam Lind possesses superior skills."

That's it for us this week. We're jetting early, so if you haven't already left the office, go Ask Dr. Toast some stuff. It's Labor Day weekend in America but it's abso-fucking-lutely nothing in Canada, so we've entrusted Lloyd the Barber with the keys to the Walkoffwalkmobile for Saturday and Sunday. Email him with your tips and praise.

As for Monday? Walkoff Walk goes dark in honor of union folks everywhere. Have a cold one on me, Norma Rae.

2:20, Phillies at Cubs: "Dude. How awesome is it to be out of Oakland? High five." That is me imitating Rich Harden and Country Joe Blanton as they meet before today's game. The former teammates are opposing starters today. The Cubs kept on rolling, beating the Phils 6-4 last night. 100 wins for the Cubs becomes a more likely proposition each day, and with a 6.5 game lead in the Central, we could be talking magic number before you know it. No I'm not trying jinx the Cubs. I only try to jinx the Cardinals.

Today's classic TV post is definitely from one of my favorite genres: the classic beer commercial. Feel your spirits lifted as rookie ump gets the call to the big leagues, listen to your heart soar as he calls his wife from a desert payphone with the good news, try to keep your heart from racing during the intense game sequences, and don't hurt your jaw when it drops after the surprise ending!

But most of all don't laugh to hard at the cheesy music or your boss will get mad. Enjoy!

Does it hurt when I press here? No, ok. Here? Here? Here? Ok. Now pretend you're a baseball player. Does it hurt now? STOP CRYING AND ANSWER THE QUESTION. HOW CAN I LOOK AT YOUR HANGNAIL IF YOU'RE IN THE FETAL POSITION?

• Josh Beckett, Red Sox: The Sox ace has been scratched from tonight's start against Chicago and put on the MLB shuttle bus that goes to James Andrews' office. I'm not positive, but i think Andrews has had his name appear on this site more than anyone except Corey Patterson. The Red Sox are saying only that he has discomfort in his elbow. Times are tough all around, pal.


• JD Drew, Red Sox: JD's lower back strain has landed him on the 15 Day. It's better news for the club than initial reports he had a herniated disc. Get well soon, silent hick warrior.


• Howie Kendrick, Angels: Kendrick is back on the deel with the same hamstring inury that had him there earlier this season. Kid has had a truly difficult time staying healthy in his young career. As the LA Times points out in that story, wasn't the Angels' big lead supposed to prevent this sort of thing from happening? SCOOOOSCIAAAAAA GET IN HERE.


• John Maine, Mets: Maine's sore shoulder had been nagging him for a couple weeks and the Mets put him on the DL. That Newsday column says they're "giving him a rest," perhaps trying to imply the injury is not that serious. Yeah, except that they're in one of the tightest races in baseball. I imagine the inside of his shoulder probably looks like goulash if he has to sit for two weeks.

The day of reckoning has finally come. All fifteen baseball games today will have the possibility of an umpire's call being challenged by instant replay. Only home run calls can be reviewed, so don't expect to see any problems when the Giants are at bat. According to this piece on MLB.com, the decision to review a play will rest solely on the shoulders of the umpire crew chief:

If a play is to be reviewed, the crew chief and at least one other umpire, possibly two, will go into the room and pick up a phone, which is a direct line to a video room in New York run by MLB Advanced Media. Then, the umpires will be relayed feeds from both the home and away teams' television broadcasts, and possibly use the home team's in-house feed, if necessary. An umpire supervisor will be in New York, but only to serve as a technical advisor as to what feeds are needed, and will not assist in making the call.

There is no set time for these decisions, but Young said they want to make a determination in 2 minutes, 30 seconds.

"The room" in question is the umpires dressing room. In some stadiums, that's near the dugouts, but in awkward multi-use warehouses like the Metrodome, it's a ways away from the field, up a huge flight of stairs. Sure, the umps will make their decision in 2 minutes, 30 seconds once they make it to the dressing room but what about the ten minutes it takes them to get there and back? Really, we gotta wait for someone like this guy to chug up those steps?

The managers will have no input as to whether the instant replay machine gets put into use, but do you really think this fact will stop them from arguing the point? One of these chucklehead managers is going to throw a red flag as a goof...and my vote is for Bobby Valentine when he gets hired to replace Jerry Manuel next year for the Mets.

He may not be as eco-conscious as Jeremy Guthrie, but Nationals shortstop Cristian Guzman became just the second Nat to ever hit for the cycle. In an 11-2 romp over the Dodgers, Guzman homered in the first, singled in the second, doubled in the sixth, and tripled in the eighth. Dodgers OF Matt Kemp actually did him a favor when Kemp threw Guzman out trying to stretch that single to a double in the second. Double, double, triple, homer is a nice day at the plate but has no special lexicon in the annals of baseball lore.

Commenter TerpNats over at BBTF's Newsblog did the research and figgered out that this was the first time a Washington player (National, Senator, or Redskin) has ever hit for the cycle in the District. What is it about D.C. that has previously discouraged cycles from being hit there? Was it the pitcher-friendly dimensions at RFK? Was it the hot and humid Mid-Atlantic summertime weather that kept balls in the park? Or was it the fact that there was no baseball in Warshington for thirty-three straight years?

Here's what happened in baseball while you were a dream passing by in the sky:

Cubs 6, Phillies 4: Cole Hamels built a towering house of cards, magnificent despite its teetering, and the Phillies bullpen knocked it all down in one fell swoop. Aramis Ramirez' eighth inning King Dong off Chad Durbin demolished the Phils' 4-2 lead and sent the Cubs to their 50th Wrigley win. Heck, it must be good to be a Chicagoan lately. First Mariotti and now this? What's next, Perfect Strangers coming back on the air?

Yankees 3, Red Sox 2: Ladies and gentlefolks, Jason Giambi's days may be numbered in the Bronx, but believe you me, the fella is at least going out on top in terms of fan satisfaction. How could he not when he collects all three RBI in a 3-2 Yankees win in the final Red Sox-Yankees game at The Stadium? Kudos, Jason. May your future be bright and full of gold thongs.

Braves 4, Marlins 2: Brian McCann's three-run dong put the Braves ahead and Paul Lo Duca's lazybones kept the Marlins on the schneid. Lo Duca was thrown out at home by Frenchy Francouer in the sixth. Home plate, not his two-bedroom condo in Coral Gables. He uses the second bedroom for his office-cum-"sex with minors" den.

Rays 3, Blue Jays 2: You can throw as many quality starts at these Rays as you'd like but no matter, they'll just throw a super-quality start at you. In this contest, Edwin Jackson out-performed Pinellas Park's own Jesse Litsch by taking a shutout into the eighth. Jackson was aided by dual dongs off the bats of Cliff Floyd and Willy Aybar.

Nationals 11, Dodgers 2: With his eighth-inning RBI triple, Cristian Guzman achieved what many thought Cristian Guzman could never do: he hit for the cycle. His pal Elijah Dukes tater-totted twice, dawg. Shame on Dodgers starter Clayton Kershaw whose stinko start pushed L.A.'s losing streak to seven. Who wants to win the NL West? Anyone? Takers? Are the Giants still in that race?

Hey kids, that's a 2 minute minor for tripping.

• HOW come we don't get WGN in Boston? I want to watch the Phillies and Cubs.


• ARE the Dodgers going to get swept by the Nats? Pitiful.


• WHO will claim the rubber in Tampa?

Thanks for hanging out with me while we were all stuck inside on a beautiful day. Join us back here tomorrow for all the answers and your familiar Friday favorites. Same WoW time, same WoW channel.

Sometimes people write better than us. Each Tuesday and Thursday WoW gives you our favorite baseball links we've come across.

• American dames love Rinku and Dinesh's taste in music. Million Dollar Arm Blog.


• But the boys refuse to be massaged by a woman. Million Dollar Arm Blog.


• Who's been the best hitting catcher in the second half? You guessed it. Kelly Shoppach. Waiting For Next Year.


• Five more minor leaguers got busted for PEDs this week. Babes Love Baseball.


• Craig Finn is doing an ESPN chat. Pitchfork.


• Make these. They're delicious. I recommend fresh local mussels if you can find them. They're meatier when they're fresh and don't have to travel far. Epicurious.

This guy made a YouTube of his ten favorite baseball teams, set to Born To Run, with no explanation as to why. I find it strangely mesmerizing but Rob never lets me post it. WELL ROB AINT HERE TODAY.

Oh, Major League Baseball. You've really got your finger on the pulse of the American zeitgeist! And by "American zeitgeist" I mean, "the TBS Wednesday night lineup." MLB.com pooped out a press release this morning outlining for us, the poor trod upon viewer, their promotional juggernaut for the 2008 Playoffs. And boy is it... filled with words.

The campaign, which is the largest in Major League Baseball history, will feature FOX and TBS personalities for the first time ever including American Idol judge Randy Jackson; Jeff Foxworthy, host of Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader; Frank Caliendo, star of TBS's Frank TV and FOX NFL Sunday's comedic prognosticator; Bill Engvall of The Bill Engvall Show; Timothy Hutton, star of TBS's new drama Leverage; and an animated Stewie from Family Guy.

Each celebrity is seen at a computer writing a blog entry about the excitement of October baseball in their own voice and style. Images of the celebrity are interspersed with great moments in Postseason history while the blog entry is narrated.

In one example, Caliendo comically impersonates United States President George W. Bush talking about if the Cubs are jinxed in the postseason while images of the infamous Game Six of the 2003 NLCS are shown. In another, Caliendo imitates sports broadcaster John Madden discussing the difference between the preseason and the postseason.

A blog entry! That's positively modern. Frank Caliendo? Lolarious! Who the hell advises on these things? Who is in these focus groups? As terrible as last year's Caliendo Commerical Carpet Bombings were, this promises to be worse. By combining him with Jeff Foxworthy and Bill Engvall (who calls the playoffs "PURE ADRENALINE") they may have finally cracked the code that will allow them to make my television explode from a remote location in suburban Atlanta.

I am literally dreading these.

• 1:05, Red Sox at Yankees: As we all know, the Red Sox have their hand on the broom closet handle. But for Walkoff Walk purposes, last night's 11-3 drubbing was the big one. Iracane now has to take a picture wearing a Sox hat and holding a "Yoooouuuuk" sign. I can't emphasize how happy I am that I won this bet. If he welches we're going to go to his house and hit him in the kneecaps with one of his Pinot Grigio bottles. Today's it's Jon Lester against Mike Mussina, and I have the radio at my desk at the ready!


• 2:05, Reds at Astros: Aaron Harang drags his formerly vital shell out to the mound to take on Brandon Backe in the Juice Box. There is rubber here but I defy you to care about it.

You know I was trying to come up with a clever headline for this one, but I have to agree with my friend, Evan Grant. There's no clever way about it. Jarrod Saltalamacchia hustled his unwieldy catcher gams around the bases and scored from second on a botched pop up to Royals pitcher, Brian Bannister.

The Rangers scored the winning run with two outs in the seventh inning when Royals pitcher Brian Bannister dropped a soft pop-up by Joaquin Arias -- and failed to recover in time to prevent Jarrod Saltalamacchia from scoring from second base.

Note that it takes less time to say Jarrod Saltalamacchia a few dozen times than it did for him to score from second base.

"You close your glove, and it's not in there," Bannister said. "I can't remember the last time I caught a pop-up. It was a weird pop-up, too. It came right off his hands. It was like a cue ball. It hit, and it didn't stick."

"You'd rather have a guy get a hit," Bannister admitted, "than lose a game that way."

Leave it to a Kansas City Royal to be able to discern the subtle nuances in different kinds of losing. There's video of the play here. It really is impressive to watch Salty motor his ass off on the play. He must have caught some of Josh Hamilton's grit and determination. There's no way he learned that from Milton Bradley. AM I RIGHT, WHITE PEOPLE?

So yesterday on Deadspin they had an interview with a guy who got roughed up by some NYPD because he wanted to pee during "God Bless America." It was a poor forum for an important discussion because a.) there are lots of dummies on Deadspin, and 2.) the guy's credibility is not 100% certain (even though it sounded legit to me). It was only a matter of time before their ridiculous "no movement" jingoism at a publicly financed stadium ran into some public criticism.

Either way, here's some video of an altercation between NYC's "finest" and a fan at last night's Yankee game. Wish I had more background info on this one. But hey... it's a fight, so that's something.

I'm headed to the Bronx today for the final Red Sox-Yankees tilt ever at The Stadium in hopes that the Yankees can somehow make up a seven game deficit in one game. Magic? Whatever it takes. Camp Tiger Claw will take you through the rest of the day.

Wily sleazebag agent Scott Boras is trying to get mo' money for his client Pedro Alvarez, but by fucking with the Pirates' owner Frank Coonelly, the only thing Boras is getting for Alvarez is mo' problems. See, Pittsburgh agreed to a contract with their first round draft pick Alvarez just before the midnight deadline on August 15th and phoned it in to the MLB offices.

However, Boras is unsatisfied with a mere $6 million signing bonus and won't let his kid report to the team unless they cough up more cash, saying the deal was consummated after the midnight deadline. Boras convinced the Players Union to file a grievance on Alvarez' behalf. So Coonelly took the nuclear option: he asked MLB to place Alvarez on the restricted list (meaning no other team can claim him) and to prove his point, he threw the Royals under the bus, too.

"The Pirates are confident that the contract reached with Pedro Alvarez was agreed to and submitted to Major League Baseball in a timely fashion and properly accepted by Major League Baseball. In fact, the contract between the Kansas City Royals and Eric Hosmer, another Boras client, was submitted to the Office of the Commissioner after our contract with Pedro was submitted. Mr. Boras is apparently satisfied with the $6 million bonus that he secured for Mr. Hosmer and has not challenged the validity of that contract. Mr. Boras has been informed that if he pursues a claim that our contract with Pedro was not timely he puts Eric Hosmer's contract with Kansas City in jeopardy.

That's from Coonelly's statement released today. He's basically saying "Oh yeah? Well if we can't have Alvarez then the Royals can't have Hosmer." That's total kindergarten bullshit, but you can't blame the guy for pulling a fast one on a slimeball like Boras.

I normally side with players instead of ownership, but this one is too easy. The Pirates are right and Pedro Alvarez is wrong. Super Agent Scott Boras needs to be dealt with in the harshest way possible, and if that means being packed in a box and sent to Abu Dhabi, so be it.

Here's what happened in baseball as that echo chorus lied to me:

Red Sox 11, Yankees 3: They say that at the end, you feel no pain. "They" are also big fat liars.

Mets 6, Phillies 3: Phillies fans, how is it exactly that you survive in this manner?

Rays 1, Blue Jays 0: Life is simpler when passed indoors in front of just a small group of your closest friends.

Cardinals 5, Brewers 4: Maybe one day, we'll truly understand why Albert Pujols seems to be made of magic. Maybe.

Indians 9, Tigers 7: This train don't stop here anymore.

Nationals 5, Dodgers 4: If life is truly like a box of chocolates, Joe Torre's box must be filled with animal droppings.

Orioles 11, White Sox 3: Lance Broadway, Lance Broadway, oh why have you foresaken me?

Hey kids, I'm losing touch with what makes me a violent party entertainer.

• WILL the Red Sox win tonight and clinch Rob's Red Sox hat wearing Yooooukiness?


• CAN the Mets and Phillies top last night's excitement? I hope so. I hate the Mets.


• WILL Greg Maddux improve on his forgettable first start as a Dodger? Probably, he's facing the Nats.


• CAN the Indians make it 10 str.....zzzzzzzz


• WILL Chief fall for my obvious attempts at baiting him?

And, hey. Go check out the Front Office Page. We added a picture and bio for Lloyd, AND our crack street team finally gets the recognition they deserve. Big ups to all of them.

Then join us back here tomorrow for all the answers. Same WoW time, same WoW channel.

Hey, is this the first Padres game that I'm liveglogging? Maybe with the luck o' the liveglog they'll finally turn this thing around.

Nah, probably not. The Diamondbacks send old crusty Randy Johnson to the mound in an attempt to prevent a sweep (a sweep!) at the hands of the lowly Padres. He'll face former Mariner Cha Seung Baek who went 1-1 with a 3.48 ERA in two July starts against the D-Backs. Wow, that must have been bittersweet news for Baek earlier this year:

"Hey, Cha Seung, great news, you're being shipped out of Seattle, the worst team in the American League! The bad news is, you're going to San Diego, the second worst team in the National League."

Yes, I am quite sure that is exactly how that conversation went between Baek and his agent. To a tee.

Anywho, the Padres took both games on Monday and Tuesday night. Let's see how they do trying for their first home sweep since....well, since Juan Rodríguez Cabrillo sailed into the bay and was eaten by natives.*

Glog starts after the jump, dear reader.

*historical facts may be made up

Portsmouth, NH letter carrier Richard Trofatter was "fired, fined, given a suspended jail sentence, ordered to perform community service and to pay restitution to the U.S. Postal Service" after it was discovered he lifted a 1915 Christy Mathewson card right from a mail bin. The card had been purchased on Ebay and insured for $655 right before it POOF! disappeared. But don't blame Ol' Five Fingers Trofatter. You see, he has a disease:

His attorney, James Noucas, told the court his client was recently treated for "obsessive compulsive behavior surrounding baseball cards" and, according to a police report, Trofatter described himself as "borderline addicted" to collecting the cards.

A police affidavit filed with the court by Detective John Peracchi says he was contacted by a representative of the Postal Service on May 7 reporting the "mail theft" of a 1915 Cracker Jack baseball card depicting New York Giants pitcher and Hall of Famer Christy Mathewson.

The card had been graded and given a serial number before it was put in the mail by an eBay seller in Wisconsin who insured it for $655, according to court records.

When an eBay buyer in Maine reported he never received it, the Postal Service launched an investigation, discovered the card had been sold on eBay for $1,211, then traced it back to mail handler Trofatter, who was working at the 345 Heritage Ave. postal facility, according to Peracchi's affidavit.

Yes, obsessive compulsive disorder surrounding baseball cards. If he was like, 9 years old I could relate. As a child I developed Baseball Card Related Tourette's by blurting out "shit" every time I got another worthless Greg Harris or Terry Shumpert. But this guy is 31. I find his "condition" creepy and almost certainly 100% fictional.

Hello, Trofatter.

So how's that "On The Road Again: Republican Convention '08: The Final Countdown: Road Trip Of Destiny: Trip Of A Lifetime: This Time It Counts: Road Trip '08" working out for you Minnesota? Not so good, eh?

The Twins won the first two games of the trip in Anaheim, but have since gone to lose their last 4 including, two against Seattle. They're 1-4 at Safeco this year and only 4-4 overall against a team on pace for 100 losses. Every team has their bugaboo, but Seattle has had such a spectacular and public flameout, it makes it kind of embarassing.

So what's the problem Gardy? How should I pick your team's recent struggles at the worst possible time, against the worst possible team?

"You can pick it how you want to pick it," Twins manager Ron Gardenhire said. "You can say we're pressing, or they're pitching good. You know what? Probably a little bit of both.

"They're throwing the ball good against us, and we're fighting it a little bit, trying to do too much. That normally happens, but you've just gotta work your way through these things.

"Hopefully [Wednesday's] a day where we'll come out relaxed a little bit and swing the bats a little better and have a better performance."

Consider it picked, you lovable old curmudgeon. Minnesota travels to Oakland tomorrow for a 4 game series against a team that is 11 games under .500. In August. If the Identicals can't pull out a few this weekend (while the White Sox are in Boston) please consider them totally unfit for playoff service.

• 12:35, Cubs at Pirates: The Cubs are taking care of business and working overtime, work out. They've scored 26 runs in the first two games of this series. Can they keep it up until the playoffs start? Only time will tell. Unless we're talking about Sweet Lou's erection. You can set your watch to that thing. Jason Marquis gets the start, as he seemingly does for every single Cubs afternoon game. He'll take on Zach Duke, who is terrible.


• 3:35, Snakes at Padres: Holy crap, the Padres have the dustpan out for this one. Yes, the division leading Snakes are on the verge of being swept by one of the ten worst offenses since expansion. Jeezum crowbar. The Dodgers are 3 out and The Roxtober Roxmagic Roxies are just 6 out. What a country!


• 4:40, Twins at Mariners: Glen Perkins takes on Ryan Feierabend, as the M's reach for the broom closet. More on this later.

The good people at Baseball-Reference want to know. Not really, nobody can possibly predict the person who will hit the 250,000th tater tot in Major League history. Heck, a quarter of a million ding-dongs is nothing more than a pretty, round number that says "Hey, baseball has been around since the days of Bill Sherman."

Still, we can look back and see which ballplayers hit other milestone dongs, thanks to their handy-dandy tabulation page:

*200,000. 1999-06-12 Paul O'Neill (NYA) off Livan Hernandez (FLO) in 4th inning
*210,000. 2001-04-29 Jermaine Dye (KCA) off Derek Lowe (BOS) in 9th inning
*220,000. 2003-04-12 Doug Mientkiewicz (MIN) off Doug Creek (TOR) in 7th inning
*230,000. 2004-09-23 Gerald Williams (NYN) off Tomokazu Ohka (MON) in 5th inning
*240,000. 2006-09-08 David Newhan (BAL) off Sean Henn (NYA) in 3rd inning

Hey, remember Gerald Wiliams? Yeah, me neither.

So, WoWies, who do you think will hit the 250,000th home run in ML history? I'm gonna go ahead and say....Emil Brown.

Last night, Cubs catcher Geovany Soto went 3-for-5 with 2 dubbles and a tater tot to collect seven RBI in Chicago's big comeback win over the Pirates. Heck yesterday was no fluke; Soto has an OBP over .360 and a slugging percentage over .500...that's a helluva season! He's not just the best hitting rookie catcher in the National League, he's the best hitting rookie overall and the one of the best hitting catchers in either league. It's nice to bat eighth in a Cubs lineup that, when Carlos Zambrano is pitching, has a dangerous hitter in all nine positions. So how did Soto make good?

Before the season he joined Kerry Wood on a diet involving organic meals delivered to the players. "It's just something he asked me about," Wood said. "I came in and lost a lot of weight doing it. It felt good. I felt strong. So it just basically started out by talking about it, and I think actually Henry Blanco [Soto's defense-minded backup catcher and one of his mentors] might have bought some of the dinners for him and got him started on it."

Soto ended up losing twenty pounds, probably because Kerry Wood's 'organic diet' meals tasted like shit and the kid ended up starving himself. I mean really, who wants to eat tofu for breakfast, lunch, and dinner? Maybe once Geovany wins the Rookie of the Year award this season, he can finally break down and have himself some a big plate of piononos.

Here's what happened in baseball while you used a machete to cut through red tape:

Nationals 2, Dodgers 1: Derek Lowe's complete game gem went for naught as his Dodgers were held down like a naughty dog and allowed to score but one run against a bevy of Warshington pitchers. Heck, L.A. got runners on base, but Nats third baseman Ryan Zimmerman started four double plays; Zim killed more rallies than the Denver police force.

Indians 10, Tigers 4: Cliff Lee has nineteen wins against just two losses for a mediocre Midwestern team. If he doesn't win the Cy Young, I'll eat my hat. Ben Francisco's two tater tots picked up the slack for outfieldmate Grady Sizemore.

White Sox 8, Orioles 3: The South Siders are riding the Obama convention bounce to a tidy AL Central lead. Starter Gavin Floyd went eight strong and helped his team improve to 18-8 in his 26 starts. Selfish infielder Orlando Cabrera had four hits and two RBI.

Blue Jays 6, Rays 2: After three losses in his first three starts against the UPSTART Rays, Roy Halladay finally got his shit together and put a Roy Halladay-style beating on the kids from the F-L-A. Fella only went six innings but hey, Vernon Wells and Rod Barajas both hit a ding-dong to support the cause. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT, ROY?

Red Sox 7, Yankees 3: Mike Lupica was right about one thing, that being: "Mike Lupica is an enormous douchebag". Okay, maybe Mike Lupica didn't really say that about Mike Lupica, but you better believe everyone who reads Mike Lupica or works with Mike Lupica or sells coffee to Mike Lupica agrees on one thing, that being: "Mike Lupica is an enormous douchebag". I don't know what that has to do with this game, except I will probably be wearing a Red Sox hat this weekend as part of a silly bet.

Phillies 8, Mets 7 (13): Another day, another former Nats reliever blows a big game for his new team. This time, Luis Ayala earned his role as a stinky Mets reliever by giving up the game-tying RBI dubble to pinch-hitter Eric Bruntlett with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. The Mets blew a 7-0 lead in this game. I have no jokes for this.

Hey kids, anyone have a mint?

• WILL the Red Sox/Yankees series garner more national pub than the more compelling Mets/Phillies tilt that also starts tonight? The answer is almost certainly yes, but if don't have a dog in either fight you should have your eyes on the latter.


• CAN the Brewers play well enough to deal the Cardinals' playoff chances the Death Blow?


• CAN Roy Halladay notch a win against the Rays? He's 0-4 against them so far this season. I'm going to answer my own question. Yes. I love Roy Halladay.


• IS there room in your heart for another lobster child?


• WILL there be any clarity in the NL West by week's end? The Dodgers play the lousy Nats, while the Snakes have the equally lousy Padres.

Then stop by tomorrow for all the answers. Same WoW time, same WoW channel.

Sometimes people write better than us. Each Tuesday and Thursday WoW gives you our favorite baseball links we've come across.

• Derrick Goold points out that the Brewers celebratory gesture of untucking their shirttails is akin to the Lambeau Leap or the Bash Brothers bicep-bashing. I just find it crass and offensive to my sensibilities. Bird Land.
  
  
• Dex attacks Forbes Magazine's ranking of "Worst Cities to be a Sports Fan". I agree with him, San Diego should never be on a list of "Worst Cities" for anything, except maybe "Worst Cities to Make Snow Angels". Gaslamp Ball.
  
  
• Walkoff Walk favorite Kyle Blanks hit two ding-dongs and collected nine RBI yesterday, and is the hottest prospect in baseball. MiLB.com.
  
  
• The only way to really assess the Mariners 2008 season: separate the good from the bad. USS Mariner.
  
  
• FoWoW Jonah Keri examines the possible future of Mike Mussina and whether or not his plaque will take residence in Cooperstown. He calls Murray Chass a Luddite, so it's a great piece. ESPN.com.
  
  
• Deepesh Sir went back to India! :( Million Dollar Arm blog.
  
  
• Don't fuck with arugula, McCain. You got a better bitter leafy green for me to dress with Parmigiano Reggiano and balsamic vinegar, I'd like to hear about it. Serious Eats.

Wait a minute, umpires are going to leave the field to review the video replays? This will not, in any way, make Steve Trachsel's games last 6 hours.

Baseball source tells AP replay starts Thursday

As I'm sure you're aware, tonight is very likely the beginning of the last ever Red Sox/Yankees series at this Yankee Stadium. There are enough modifiers in that sentence to not make me overly nostalgic. The rivalry won't change all that much when the Yanks move across the street, but there is a certain iconography to the Stadium that factors into most of my vivid memories of it. Mo Vaughn launching shots into the porch, Trot Nixon driving a Clemens pitch to right center in the classic Pedro/Roger duel in 2000, Wade Boggs on that stupid police horse, Aaron Boone, Jeter diving face first into the stands. You know, all that crap.

So in the spirit of making things seem more important then they actually are, Rob and I have decided to make a public wager on the series.

IF THE YANKEES WIN THE SERIES: I will have a large photograph of myself wearing a Yankees cap and holding a sign that says "Jeter Is God" posted on this site.

IF THE RED SOX WIN THE SERIES: Rob will have a large photograph of himself wearing a Red Sox cap and holding a sign that says "Yooooooouk" posted on this site.

Your pitching matchups for the series are as follows:

• Tonight: Tim Wakefield vs. Andy Pettitte
• Tomorrow: Paul Byrd vs. Sidney Ponson
• Thursday: Jon Lester vs. Mike Mussina

That third one is a doozy, AND it's an afternoon game. If we're looking at a split series that afternoon, consider the objective restraint we've tried to bring to WoW officially out the window for the day. I do not want history to remember me holding that godforsaken Jeter sign.

The good people at Boston radio station WEEI have finally figured out the whole athlete blogging thing:

1. Videotape athletes talking about dumb stuff
2. ...
3. Profit

I give you the Official Sean Casey Vlog:

He seems like a nice guy. Also, he seems like someone who was dropped on his head repeatedly as a child after being force-fed paint chips.

(We owe some codeine-laced Coke to BBTF's Baseball Primer Newsblog)

The Arizona Diamondbacks bullpen is bringing the team down from the inside, not unlike a spy gone bad or a house's foundation made of oatmeal and Elmer's Glue. The team had themselves a nice little streak going before this past weekend: in three series against the Rockies, Astros and Padres, the D-Backs went 7-2 and opened up a tidy two game lead over the Dodgers. But as Los Angeles was getting swept out of Philadelphia in four games, the Diamondbacks bullpen was giving it all away. Here's their line over the last four games, in which Arizona won one game against three losses:

    8.2 IP, 12 H, 6 ER, 1BB

That's a 6.23 ERA! The bullpen had three leads and blew two of 'em. Talk about wasted opportunities: Arizona could be five games ahead of the sorry Dodgers now, instead of just three.

Newly acquired reliever (and former Washington National) Jon Rauch was credited with two of the three losses. Rauch gave up a walkoff ding-dong to Jody Gerut last night and gave up a dinger to Cody Ross that blew the game on Friday night. Heck, the Nats are so bad, their shitty players are even infecting their new teams with their suckitude.

It has obviously not been the best 2008 for Yankees CF Melky Cabrera. To begin with he's currently Scranton/Wilkes Barre CF . His rough season landed him in Triple-A the same day that Richie Sexson was released. In perhaps the final sign that the Melky Express makes it's last stop in hell, plans for his Todd McFarlane doll are being scrapped. From the Spawn.com press release:

Yankees catcher Jorge Posada is moving out of our New York Yankees 3-pack and into the MLB 23 lineup, replacing Melky Cabrera. It's the third version of Posada in our Sports Picks series, but the first showcasing him in his pinstriped catcher's gear.

The New York Yankees 3-pack is becoming a 2-pack, and will feature both Derek Jeter and Alex Rodriguez in fielding positions, complete with painted pinstripes never before available on these two figures.

A 2-pack? Sounds like the Yankees rotation. Zing! Poor Melky. This is like that time they discontinued Owen Hart's action figure, but it's even worse because instead of dying he had to move to Scranton.

Also, I thought Spawn.com was Steve Garvey's website.

(We owe a glass bottle of Coke to Can't Stop The Bleeding.)

I've expressed my distaste for the baseball hall of fame before, but in case you missed it, here's a quick recap: baseball writers stink at voting for things. Still, in comparison to the nepotistic Veterans Committee, the BBWAA are geniuses. Well folks, get ready for more wackiness from the newest incarnation of the Veterans Committee:

"Allie Reynolds, Joe Gordon and Vern Stephens are among 10 players whose careers began before 1943 who will be considered by the Hall of Fame's constituted Veterans Committee when it meets on Dec. 7.

Bill Dahlen, Wes Ferrell, Sherry Magee, Carl Mays, Mickey Vernon, Bucky Walters and Deacon White also will be on the ballot, the Hall said Monday. The 10 finalists were selected by a committee of the Baseball Writers' Association of America that considered pre-1943 players. A 12-member committee of Hall of Famers, media and historians will vote."

I checked through the Baseball Reference pages for these gents and using my completely unscientific methodology of scanning random stats, I've decided that none of them are worthy of induction. Most of these guys did a decent job of sticking around the league and putting up nice numbers for good teams and even making a bunch of All Star games. But were any of them ever considered the best players in their leagues? No. Not even close. The most famous thing that any of them did was kill a guy with a pitch. This isn't the "Hall of Killing Dudes with Pitches".

Besides, it would be a shame to induct any of them when more recent players like Bert Blyleven or Ron Santo deserve it far more. All of the players whose careers began before 1943 had dozens of chances to be voted into the hall by earlier Veterans Committtes, and despite the committee's sickening cronyism, they never made it.

Also, save for Mickey Vernon, all these dudes are dead. So therefore, Walkoff Walk officially endorses the hall of fame election of Mickey Vernon, if only to give a 90-year-old man one last hurrah.

Here's what happened in baseball while the the moon was risin' like a discotheque:

Phillies 5, Dodgers 0: The Los Angeles table-setters did their jobs against Brett Myers, collecting nine hits and three walks in Myers' seven innings of work. Alas, the Los Angeles table-clearers failed like a busboy passed out from too many nips off his flask of cheap bourbon, leaving a whopping fourteen runners on base in the game. Manny Ramirez alone left seven gentlemen standing on the bags, just wishing, hoping, wanting to score. The wind was blowing in at Citizens Bank Park, leaving all of the Dodgers' many flyballs just short of tater tot territory.

Mets 9, Astros 1: Carlos Delgado is a fucking Renaissance Man and all those Mets fans who booed him for well over half the season can go shit in their hats. Fella knocked two ding-dongs, made a diving catch, and even acknowledged those frontrunning Mets' fans curtain call. On a day when I privately laughed at the Mets lack of starting pitching depth, fifth starter Mike Pelfrey hurled his second straight complete game victory. Pelfrey eats schadenfreude for breakfast.

Indians 4, Tigers 3 (10): Also a Renaissance Man: Grady Sizemore. He's just the second Cleveland member of the 30-30 club (joining Joe Carter) thanks to his duo of ding-dongs off Tigers starter Armando Galarraga. Franklin Gutierrez' tenth inning homer brought the Indians just 0.5 games behind third place Detroit, their eighth win in a row.

Cubs 12, Pirates 3: Hey, remember when I was all excited about Jeff Karstens being a breakout pitcher for the up-and-coming Pirates? Yeah, ignore my irrational exuberance at all costs.

White Sox 4, Orioles 3: How bad can things get for Baltimore? The Whie Sox' Alexei Ramirez scored the game-tying run on a Chris Waters balk after home plate umpire refused to grant timeout to batter Carlos Quentin.

Hey kids, it never ends and it only gets worse.

• WILL the Phillies complete their reciprocal dustpanning of the Dodgers?


• ARE the Twins going to use the Mariners to try and get another sniff of first place's taint? They didn't do so hot against them last time.


• CAN Dan Haren and Jake Peavy bring the heat in their second duel in less than a week?


• CAN the Cubs keep the good times rolling against the Pirates? They've won 8 straight series for the first time since 1937, which somehow still counts even though the last two were against Cincinnati and Washington.

Then stop by tomorrow for all the answers. Same WoW time, same WoW channel.

Last week, we asked for your help to name the mascot for the new single-A team in Bowling Green, Kentuckah. Please do your part as fans of shrimp in baseball and go vote for the Cave Shrimp. Thanks.

Because Mondays are custom made for horrid YouTube videos that make Cubs fans squirm.

(We owe a six pack of Coke to Land of Dave Corzine)

From that bastion of news and sports reporting, the New York Post's Page Six, comes this story about Yankee stars Jason Giambi and Joba Chamberlain struggling on an entirely different playing field. The Beirut table.

IT would be tough for average Joes to beat a couple of Yankees at baseball, but slamming them in a game of beer pong was no sweat. Last week, Jason Giambi and Joba Chamberlain were celebrating their win against the Kansas City Royals at Southern Hospitality, on Second Avenue, when a table of fans challenged them to a game of the college drinking sport. Our spy said, "The fans gave them a beating. Toward the end Chamberlain and Giambi got really competitive, but it wasn't enough."

Apart from the writer's insistence on calling the game by it's simplistic misnomer, everything else seems to check out. I have absolutely no problem imagining Chamberlain and Giambi grunting out various takes on "bro" while their hamfists struggle to maintain aim. Meanwhile across the table stand two SEC expats applying a thin layer of regional patina to "dude." Camera phone flashes explode as the two millionaire athletic behemoths struggle before eventually succombing to Joes Twelvepack with two straight bullseyes. The shrieks of the floozies surround the table rise as the common man emerges victorious.

In other words, it sounds like the worst goddamned thing I've ever heard. There are no winners here.

Olympic beach volleyball champion Misty May-Treanor throws out the first pitch before a Diamondbacks-Marlins contest wearing a D-Backs jersey, despite her marriage to Marlins catcher Matt Treanor. What's more emasculating for Matt, this public display of marital treason, or this groin injury from May?

Ha, get it? A groin injury from May? Ouch, I think I just strained my own groin making that zinger.

(Photo stolen from the AP)

Did you kids see what that dastardly character AJ Pierzynski did now? After making a heads up move to advance on BJ Upton's center field dilly dallying, on the next play, AJ got caught in a pickle. He appeared to be a dead man running but somehow actively finagled his way into an ob