Baseball Before Bedtime: The Ugly Truth

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Here's what happened in baseball while you were ripped right out of the ground like a fuckin' root:

Blue Jays 2, Yankees 1: New (and old) Yankee centerfielder Johnny Damon had two fly balls pop out of his glove, one of which came back and bit him in the ass. The mistake, not the ball. Can you imagine that? A baseball growing teeth and clamping its jaws on your posterior?

Red Sox 7, Orioles 2: Daisuke Matsuzaka had the control of Matthew Perry in a Percocet factory but survived five walks in five innings to notch his fifteenth win against just two losses. Kevin Youkilis' sexy three RBI added to that noted Bostonian run support.

Rays 4, Angels 2: Sigh. How do you live like this, fans of every team not based in Tampa Bay?

Phillies 5, Nationals 4: The Citizens Bank Park faithful booed Jimmy Rollins but not even the most ardent antirollinsite could walk away angry after Jayson Werth hit the game-winning ding-dong in the eighth. Brad Lidge saved his 31st game and then saved a pigeon with a broken wing by cradling him in his jockstrap.

Mets 7, Braves 3: A bases-bloated dubble by Carlos Delgado in the eighth blew the doors off the Braves bullpen. Not literally. Shea may be a dump but the bullpen doors' hinges are made of solid steel and engraved with Dave Kingman's taint.

White Sox 5, Mariners 0: Clayton Richard picked up where Lance Broadway left off and spun a gem in place of injured Jose Contreras. Yes, you can still call six shutout innings a 'gem' even when it comes against the lowly Mariners.

Twins 13, Athletics 2: Brian Buscher had five RBI while Kevin Slowey struck out 12 A's in seven solid innings. Former Cub Sean Gallagher saw his ERA balloon by two runs after allowing 10 runs in 5 innings. Are Oakland fans just hoping and wishing for a Rich Harden injury now that the team has fallen deep into the shitter?

Cubs 5, Reds 0: Now that's how you executive produce! Rich Harden finally finally finally got a no doubt win, allowing zero runs and striking out 10 in seven innings. Fella even picked up a RBI with his fifth inning sac bunt.

Astros 5, Brewers 2: Any time Brian Moehler outduels Ben Sheets, I have to write about it. There, I just wrote about it.

Pirates 4, Cardinals 1: Three straight quality starts have chopped half a run off Ian Snell's ERA and the pride of Dover, Delaware even picked up the dubya in this one, just his third win since I wrote this. I am dumb.

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Matthew Perry in a Percocet factory

That also starred Salma Hayek and Blair Underwood. It was a middling romantic comedy, but there are worse things to watch on a flight to Albuquerque.

Eat our dust, Royals! Tremble before the mighty Zach "tion" Jackson.

That - that's terrible. I'm sorry. How did your parents die?

What's my problem? You're in my fucking house!

No, nothing's wrong. Stay in the living room, I'll handle it.


(only other steveism I could think of)

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