The Saturday Morning Post: 99 Ways to Die

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Gretzky.jpgAll kinds of wonderful things happened last night as you reconsidered your Sal Paradise-style tour of North America.

Rays 5, Tigers 2: Waiting for the Rays to collapse? Pull up a chair, you'll probably want a magazine to pass the time. No, you can't borrow my National Geographic with tribal boobies. We're going to be here for a while, I intend on being comfortable. The Rays survived a mediocre outing from ace Scott Kazmir (110 pitches in less than 5 innings?) with home runs from Carlos Pena and destroyer of worlds Evan Longoria. In New England, Great White Hope Jason Bay tripled and scored the game-winning run in the bottom of the 12th inning, keeping the Sox 3 games behind the Rays.

Pirates 3, Cubs 0: The Pirates key deadline acquisition showed that he's ready to lead the Bucs on a long playoff run. Doug Drabek knows he doesn't have to shoulder the...oh goodness, I'm mortified. Nadybait Jeff Karstens pitched 6 shutout innings and Jason Michaels drove in two. Milwaukee pummeled the Richmond Braves while Ryan Ludwick's one-man hashbrown empire gave the Phillies a taste of their own MO. The Brewers & Birds sit four games behind the Cubs in the Central.

Angels 1, Yankees 0: The G Funk Angels continued their Bitches Ain't Shit tour of the East Coast, beating Mo Rivera and the Yankees 1-0. They've won 5 in a row against the Yankees and Red Sox. They're pretty good. The Seattle Mariners however, are not. Their tragicomedy mercilessly rolled on as the M's put up 5 in the 9th (sounds good!) to halve the score at 10-5 (quite bad). Ugh. Somebody should make sure Ichiro's clubhouse stall locks from the outside.

D Backs 2, Dodgers 1: 99. Manny Ramirez made his Dodgers debut wearing number 99. I suppose 1/17 and α were taken, forcing Manny to make the only other logical choice. Manny had the chance to be the hero, representing the tying run in the bottom of nine. Brandon Lyon bravely induced a double play ball out of Manny, soldiering on despite soiling himself on the mound. The Snakes are now up 3 on the Dodgers. TIm Lincecum remains the best baseball player you'd mistakenly shoo away from your storefront.

Twins 4, Indians 1: The Minnesota Twins are a terrible, unstoppable juggernaut. They cannot be beaten or slowed. They will kill us all without mercy. The lose 5 in a row, then win 6 of 7 to get within a half game of the White Sox. The Pale Hose and a 38 year old man nicknamed the Kid fought out a 4-2 win over the Royals. Griffey had a great night at the plate but was lifted for a pinch runner/defensive replacement in the 8th inning. Ozzie Guillen apologized after the game for brazenly demanding that I admit to my youth being over.

Guess what NL East? You get the Gas Face for letting the Nats represent you in the winner's circle. What a night. I wish I could accurately portray the way my heart soared when Manny appeared wearing 99. More great stuff later on today.

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6 Comments

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee Jason Bay!

Manny's got 99 problems but Boston ain't one.

@matt_t

Apparently neither is delivering in the clutch. Small sample size shmall shmamaple shize

I woke up pretty gas faced this morning.

Also unemployed.

BJ Ryan should be so lucky Jiegel

Shouldn't we all.

I need a breath mint.

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