The Sunday Morning Post: I Wouldn't Touch it with a Decapod Pole

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baby-lobster.jpgDear Mother of God, last night's ongoings were of a historical and mindblowing nature. If I live to be ninety, I will never forget what I saw. Honestly though, I think my brain might explode.

Marlins 4, Mets 3: Game details mumble mumble...Mike Jacobs...massive home run.....Aaron Heilman...four walks...Brian McCann...home run....Nationals win fifth straight...Who cares? The NL East Brings the Shrimp! Best division in baseball? I certainly think so. Double WoW in the same division! Whichever team emerges from this crustacean-laden morass will win the World Series. The Shrimps have foreseen it.

Rays 10, Orioles 9: The Rays bullpen has been outstanding all year, but last night deferred to a higher power. Nick Markakis's two out, game-tying bomb bounced off the scoreboard displaying Dan Wheeler's previously impressive stats. But that's okay, as it set the stage for an uber-dramatic, ROCCOFF WIN for the Rays. Rocco put the Rays ahead in the 8th with a clutch RBI hit by pitch, then sent the reasonably-sized crowd home happy with a double that scored Carlos Pena from first. Seriously Florida, if this crazy game doesn't bring you out en masse, I'm going to up and move this team to Montreal. YOUPPI WOULD SUPPORT THE FROZEN RAYS. The Red Sox have stolen the Yankees ability to stuff any corpse into their jersey and get production out of it. Young guy Mark Bowden pitched 5 effective innings while 30 year old random Jeff Bailey hit his second career ding dong to pace the Red Sox over the White Sox. Dustin Pedroia is 8 for 8 in this series, and 12 for his last 17 overall. He's little, but good.

Dodgers 6, Diamondbacks 2: No one could ever accuse Manny Ramirez of not trying. Well, you couldn't accuse him of not hitting, effort notwithstanding. Manny knocked four more hits last night, with two tots among them. Danny Haren was not his sharpest, allowing 10 ten hits and five runs in six innings. Chris Young did his best with a double & triple, but the Dodgers still snapped their losing streak and gained a precious game in the standings. The youth movement is in full swing in San Diego. The bunch of plucky youngsters cheaply beat the Rockies in Josh Geer's big league debut. I'm not 100%, but I think Josh Geer may actually be Lobster Baby.

A's 3, Twins 2: Walkoff walks? Roccoff Wins? Boring and predictable, says Bill Beane. The real value is walkoff sacrifice bunts-turned-throwing errors. It's where the real money is. Joe Nathan blew his fifth save of the year and has no one to blame but himself. Sort of. His attempt to get the force at third wasn't perfect, but Brendan Harris really should have done better to prevent the Coliseum's vast foul territory from swallowing the errant throw whole. Emil Brown scored from first on a throwing error. That ain't right. What the Mariners lack in offense, they make up in wacky names. Tug Hulett (!!) hit his first career tater tot and JJ Putz grabbed the ever-popular blown save/win when the Mariners overcame secretly awesome Shin Soo Choo's clutch 9th inning dinger with two runs in the top of 10. The Angels won thanks to some crappy umpiring and Frankie Rodriquez got another damn save. He has 53 now, his third in three days. Even I have to admit that's pretty impressive.

Brewers 11, Pirates 2: Milwaukee maintained its stranglehold on the Wildcard by strangling the Pirates. Corey Hart & Mike Cameron hit home runs, enough for Jeff Suppan when the lowly Bucs are involved. The Cubs actually lost a home game because the Phillies remembered they're the team that hits lots of tots. Albert Pujols joined Manny & Dustin in the Four Hits Club, but his team didn't win like the rest. The Astros hit three homers but grounded into five double plays, keeping this one respectable. I should stress again that Albert Pujols is absurdly, cartoonishly good.

The Royals? Really AL Central, that is the best you can do? That is Gas Face worthy, my friends. On such a historic night, you couldn't bring it up to the level of your peers. I should be more forgiving, as this one night of baseball could sustain me all winter long. I even had to wake up Lobster Baby to commemorate this wondrous night. We all must vote for the Cave Shrimp to keep the baseball Gods happy.

Unless Roy Halladay, Brandon Webb and CC Sabathia all pitch perfect games, today has no shot of approaching last night's awesomeness. Baseball is great, and all is right in the world.

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I've watched more shrimp than porn tonight. I am so drunk I can't see, and I still watched more shrimp than porn.


Six hours later, and I stand by the amazement of that statement.

Comments like these are what brought me to Walkoff Walk in the first place. Came for the drunken comments, stayed for the shrimp.

Did BoL watch the shrimp for six hours straight between those comments?

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