Phillies 4, Nationals 0: Put the seven-game winning streak to sleep and chalk up another shutout for the weak-hitting Washingtonians; this one comes at the hands of Cole Hamels and his band of merry bullpeneers. John Lannan was heroic despite the loss, giving up just a coupla runs in the third on RBI singles by Jimmy Rollins and Chase Utley. Heroism gets you nothing in baseball except a clunky Roberto Clemente Award plaque to hang in your billiards room.
Red Sox 14, Orioles 2: Jon Lester picked up his 13th win despite throwing a whopping 99 pitches over five tough innings. Fella walked four Oriole batters but no matter, HE GOT FOURTEEN RUNS OF SUPPORT FROM HIS MATES. The Red Sox featured wee Dustin Pedroia in ManRam's old cleanup spot and DustPeds didn't disappoint, collecting five RBI on a two-run dubble and a three-run tater tot. David Ortiz added deux deux-run deux-baggers of his own.
Pirates 3, Reds 2: A meaningless September game between fifth- and sixth-place teams? Fuck you, the Pirates just broke a 3728-game losing streak behind the strong pitching of Ian Snell. Isn't that important enough for you? The announced attendance in Cincinnati was 18,000-something, but only about 32 people showed up, probably because everyone else was still hungover from this dumb Brady Bunch event.
Blue Jays 7, Twins 5: Don't look now, but it seems like Jose Bautista remembered how to hit a baseball. No seriously, don't look, Jose hates attention. That's why he feels comfortable in Toronto. Guy picked up four hits including a ding-dong, and he now has seven hits in his last three games. Lyle Overbay was the decider, hitting a go-ahead two run dong in the sixth. Camp Tiger Claw's favorite player Brad Wilkerson was activated off the DL.
Indians 9, White Sox 3: Hey, remember Victor Martinez? He's back, in POG form.
Yankees 7, Rays 2: The second best road team in the AL beat the best home team in the AL. This proves my hypothesis: sometimes things happen in baseball.
Braves 16, Marlins 14: Fifteen pitchers saw action; nine gave up runs. Somehow, Braves pitcher Julian Tavarez was not one of the nine.