Horrifying September Call Up Gorestravaganza

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You're done with lunch, right? Good. Let me introduce you to Cubs catching call up, Koyie Hill. Yes, his first name is pretty disturbing but that's nothing compared to the medical tribulations he endured last fall in his home wood shop. Oh yeah, you know where this is going.

The 29-year-old catcher, who played for the Cubs last year and was called up from Triple-A Iowa on Monday morning, had his right thumb and three fingers on his right hand sewn back on after nearly losing them completely in a table saw accident.

Not only did Hill make a complete comeback, he also retained his sense of humor.

"You had to learn how to give high-fives all over again," he said.

The accident occurred last Oct. 16 when Hill, an aspiring architect, was making a window frame for his house. The table saw he was using got stuck in the wood and managed to cut through his thumb, his pinkie, ring finger and middle finger, leaving him bloodied and in severe pain. Hill was taken to an emergency room, and a hand specialist was called upon to reattach the fingers.

So after I read that, I passed out. When I came to, I continued reading to learn that Hill considers his hand "custom made." Then I passed out again before I could read why. Then I read why.

"Catching is easy," Hill said. "Thank God it wasn't my left hand. They added enough bones to my middle finger to where it moves some. They had me hold a ball in my left hand to see where my finger was placed so when they sewed it back on it was fixed in a position. So you could say it was actually built for playing baseball now, which is something a baseball player always wanted."

Word on the street that the added bones in his finger came from the "Wood/Prior Scope Shavins" jar at the Lincoln Park Hospital. So anyway, best of luck to Hill. If he has a successful September at the plate I'm going to kidnap Jason Varitek and slam his hand in a car door.

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That's nothing. Geovany Soto has a bionic anal sphincter.

Isn't an architect just an art school drop-out with a tilty desk and a big ruler?

I want to slam Eric Chavez' hand in a car door. Then sit on him so he can't make it to the emergency room.

An aspiring architect?
Yeah, most architects I know do all their own handywork.

Cory Lidle, also an aspiring architecht.

In your face, dead baseball player!

Are you referring to you Chavez joke? Oh...

Chavez, Crosby...they're all the same.

Rumors of Yankees fans trying to have Reggie Jackson swap hands with A-Rod are firmly denied by Brian Cashman.

(I had wondered what had happened to Koyie Hill...)

That dude is doing the "shocker" all wrong

Could the first time Koyie Hill masturbated after getting his new hand be considered getting some strange?

"So you could say it was actually built for playing baseball now, which is something a baseball player always wanted."

Uhh, nope, actually baseball players are just fine with hands that can be used in a wide range of activities. You know, like THE ONES THEY ARE BORN WITH.

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