I Don't Know Who To Hate More: TJ Simers or Ned Colletti

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Los Angeles Times 'columnist' TJ Simers wrote a column calling Dodgers GM Ned Colletti "baseball's best general manager", and I'm not sure if he's serious or if this is all a big ruse. Hey, my reading comprehension skills may not be above a fourth-grade level, but one would think I would able to distinguish serious sportswriting from mere parody. Well, one would be wrong.

Simers begins by describing his brief sit-down with Colletti:

Sat down with Ned Colletti before Tuesday's Dodgers game to discuss the details of his acceptance speech once he's officially named Major League Baseball's executive of the year.

"Huh?" said Colletti, and now you know why he needs a speech writer.

It's over, of course, the Dodgers playing minor league outfits now, and a lock to win the division title on the strength of Colletti's wizardry-- Manny Ramirez and Casey Blake suddenly appearing out of nowhere.

Well, the Manny trade was quite the coup, but the team is just 15-16 since Ramirez showed up, despite his 10 tater tots and 41 RBI. What gives, TJ? The Dodgers are a lock to win the division title? Is this all false praise? I can't figure out your tone! Give me some more clues!

Desperate times, desperate measures and Colletti improved the Dodgers without it costing the owner a penny. That makes him the best GM in baseball in the minds of most owners.

This could be sarcasm, or it could be true, since baseball owners are notorious chuckleheads.

"Do you think there are other teams out there saying, 'Ned's desperate, let's help Ned out?' " Colletti said, while proving the point, I guess, that he's just smarter than all the other GMs in somehow stealing Ramirez and Blake.

Casey Blake is 35, hits about league average, has grounded into eight double plays in just 137 at bats, and has the fielding ability of a three legged poodle. This was not a 'steal', which is yet another thing Casey Blake cannot do.

No doubt, he fooled them all. Oldest trick in the book, too, luring your opponents to sleep, which explains why early on he signed Jason Schmidt, Andruw Jones and Juan Pierre -- everyone figuring the Dodgers were finished with such a cast of misfits.

This is either the dumbest column ever written or the worst parody ever penned. My head just exploded deciding between the two, which means my reading comprehension skills have now descended to a Rex Hudler-esque level.


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16 Comments

TJ Simers is an effing hack. He and Plaschke ran Depodesta out of town, so they continually use their space to justify the Dodgers bringing in Ol' Snakeskin.

I WAS AN EXPENSIVE DECOY. WATCH ME ATTRACK DUCKS
/FEEDS DUCKIES WITH MY MOMS PLANTAINS

I just want to say thank you for reminding me of another god-awful 'writer' I choose to ignore.
Sort of like an anti-Linkpunch post.

I DONT KNOW WHAT'S A SIMERS BUT STOP STEALING MY INITIALS

THX,

TJ TODDJONES

I've heard tell that Mr. Simers is sometimes a guest on "Around the Horn". Just another reason I don't get home from work until 530PM.

Shit, Todd, I totally forgot to bring in my wife's complimentary Field & Stream issue with the mourning-dove-jalapeno-glaze recipe. I'll tie a string around my finger to remember that for tomorrow, bro.

Seeing as how your remaining days as a Tiger now probably number zero, I can honestly say: You seemed like a good enough dude, but as a closer you shortened the lifespans of many millions of fans.

You're wrong, freetzy. He's a terrible person AND a terrible closer.

Must disagree with Gorge--Simers is great. He's a little shticky -- "Every owner, GM, other member of the front office and/or vocal star player is full of shit, no matter what," but he does it well. And yes, the piece was sarcastic. Simers doesn't like Colletti. At all.

Plaschke, though, is a hack.

Oh, and DePodesta sucked, too.

DePodesta's people skills were/are awful, but those two guys began bashing him and his highfalutin' fancy "statistics", just about as soon as he hit the ground, there. They are Murray Chass-like in their disdain for anything unfamiliar.

I will agree that Plaschke is a much, much worse writer.

Simers is a bitter, filthy old man who lacks the ability to make funny. I myself am a bitter, filthy young man, but I have that certain je noi se quos that makes me endearing.

However, please point yourself to Lowell Cohn of the Santa Rosa Press Democrat for true hackery. I believe FJM have done pieces on him; he's the guy with the college-age son who has an irrational love for Brian Sabean and an irrational hatred of Billy Beane.

If I spelled that french phrase correctly, I will be shocked.

I just accidentally looked at some comments on The Big Lead. Man, those rubes are certifiably Yahoo!-esque.

@Hammer

Don't worry, you weren't even close.

@Fartie
You're what the French call, "Les incompetent"

BTW,
Don't we have some afternoon games to talk about.

HI TODD N ANDRUW I HAD A DAY OFF YESTERDAY AND WENT BOWHUNTIN AND BAGGED A DUCK. MUST HAVE BEEN A LUCKY DUCK BECAUSE WE WON OUR BALLGAME. NOW WHERE IS THIS JALAPENO SAUCE I HAVE BEEN HEARING SO MUCH ABOUT.

That was the worst Andy Kaufman impersonation I've ever seen, Simers

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