Somewhat Mindbogglingly, Baseball Owners Are Rich

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Forbes Magazine is back doing what it does best (besides being completely incapable of predicting the stock market): making enormous listicles! They've assembled their annual Forbes 400 rankings, stapled it together, and mailed it out to hundreds of dentists offices. I'll make things easier for you, pal. I've pared it down to six baseball owners who made the cut.

Here's your mini-listicle:

Yes, baseball ownership is a old white guys club, just like the Elks Club down the street from me except with less High Life and more Chivas. Still, of all these dudes, only Steinbrenner really made his fortune from owning a baseball team. Pohlad made his money in banking, Lerner cashed in via real estate, Ilitch founded the company that gave us these commercials, McLane made his fortune selling his own cosmetics line on QVC, and Hicks made his money the old-fashioned way: merging Dr. Pepper and 7-Up.

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I know it's obvious, but what really depresses me about this list is that in "3.6 Billion" the .6 is 600 MILLION DOLLARS.

Mixing Dr. Pepper and 7-Up sounds terrible.

Somewhat mindbloggingly, baseball bloggers are not rich.

Fuck you I'm worth 0.0000003 billion dollars.

If you mix Dr. Pepper and 7-Up it tastes just like Malibu rum.

It's probably more accurate to say that Carl Pohlad made his money by foreclosing on people's houses during the depression, selling their children on Arab slavemarkets and murdering the former owners so he could harvest their organs.

Out of those organs, he then cloned his farm system.

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