One of my favorite mashups from the early 2000s was that Freelance Hellraiser song that married Christina Aguilera to the Strokes. "A Stroke of Genie-us". Oh, zing, Freelance. You punned me good.
Well, consider my second liveglog mashup to be absolutely nothing like that song. Instead of writhing teen starlets and hipster guitar riffs, you're going to get a dose of Zack Greinke mixed with a dollop of Craig Counsell. It's what you've always wanted! It's Christmas and Arbor Day all mashed up into one!
I'm going to take you on an XM Radio-driven tour of the four afternoon games, so aptly previewed by my associate Camp Tiger Claw:
Also, I'm going to slip some links in the glog, thus mashing up a mashup glog with our regularly scheduled Linkpunch. Could I possibly confuse you anymore? No, didn't think so. ENOUGH! ONTO THE GLOG!
3:00PM: Let's get right into the Dodgers-Pirates tussle. The Pirates got out to a 1-0 lead in the first on a Nate McLouth sac fly. The Dodgers took the lead in the fourth when Blake DeWitt singled in two off Paul Maholm. Pirates tied it up at two in the sixth, Dodgers re-took the lead in the top of the seventh and the Pirates re-tied it in the bottom half. Got it? The Pirates announcers are talking about Saturday Night Live right now so I guess they care as much about this game as I do. It's the top of the eighth and the Dodgers are rallying. Whoops! Matt Kemp gets caught stealing third to end the inning. Big fat duh.
3:05PM: Pirates go down in order in the bottom of the eighth. Game tied at 3 headed to the ninth. Do I smell shrimp, or did somebody next door have Thai for lunch again? Milwaukee and Chicago are knotted at one in the 3rd; Jim Edmonds has a solo tot. In KC, the Royals have jumped out to a 4-0 lead thanks to a ral...zzzzzzzzz.
3:10PM: Dodgers shortstop Chin-lung Hu comes up and the Pirates announcers attempt to do the "Who's on First?" bit. It fails miserably. Abbott and Costello must be spinning in their graves. Tyler Yates will come in from the Bucs bullpen to try and keep the Dodgers from scoring and the Pirates fans from committing suicide. Out in Chicago, Rich Harden hasn't allowed a hit through three innings but gave up that first inning run on a Prince Fielder fielder's choice.
3:15PM: Orioles blog NumerOlogy did an interview with former O's hurler John P. O'Donoghue. Yeah, I have no idea who he was either, but the interview is good. In Chicago, Alfonso Soriano walks with two outs and Ron Santo gets giddy at the idea that he might steal a base. Soriano tries, and is tossed out by Jason Kendall. Meanwhile, Chan Ho Park comes in to face the Pirates in the bottom of the ninth.
3:20PM: Mike Aviles has a three-run ding dong for the Royals. Yes, that's how bad the Mariners are this year. In other news, Raul Chavez singles in Pittsburgh and Brian Bixler comes on to pinch run. Ryan Doumit will pinch hit for Yates, and I bet nobody really cares what's going on in this game.
3:25PM: Doumit GIDPs and that game is headed to extras. I'm not sure these Pirates announcers have enough comedy material to last that long. Back in Chicago, Ron Santo announces his fax number again. It's 773-244-3971 if anyone wants to send him a photocopied picture of their genitals. Please c.c. Camp Tiger Claw too, especially you gents out there. His fax number is 1-800-555-PUFF. Milwaukee is still hitless through four.
3:30PM: Back in Pitt, Andre Ethier singled, Manny moved him to second on a fielders choice, and Casey Blake was intentionally walked. Here's James Loney to attempt to be relevant for just one day. Nah, he struck out. Back in Chicago, Aramis Ramirez hit a solo ding dong off Dave Bush putting the Cubs up 2-1.
3:35PM: Matt Capps is in for the Pirates. He's on my girlfriend's fantasy team and I'm playing her this week for the championship. In other words, GO DODGERS. No matter, Matt Kemp just popped out. I suppose Capps could notch a win if the Pirates walkoff in the bottom of the tenth. Back to Chicago, Harden has given up four walks but still no hits. Anyone else think this might finally be the Cubs year? No? Me neither, I just want to jinx their entire season and the no-hitter at the same time.
3:40PM: Our pal Jonah Keri wrote up the Twins collapse for ESPN. Enjoy. According to the Pirates radio guy, Nyjer Morgan is a "gettin on machine" as he reaches first on a HBP. Note: his OBP is .329. I guess that's good for a Pirate? Luiz Cruz sac-bunts him to second and McLouth is intentionally walked. Oh my! Jason Michaels grounds it back to Chan Ho Park who spins and throws to second but it goes into centerfield! Nyjer Morgan speeds around third, center fielder Blake DeWitt picks up the ball and throws home, Russell Martin gets it and Morgan barrels him over. Morgan's out and Martin is shaken up!
3:45PM: Here's Joe Beimel, currently on a 95 game streak without allowing a home run. First and second, two outs. Adam La Roche at the dish, and he flies out. Onto the eleventh still knotted at three. Royals lead the Mariners 9-0. Good for them. Back in Chicago, the Brewers are rallying, having finally picked up a hit. Harden intentionally walked Fielder with first base open. Bases bloated and two outs for J.J. Hardy. Hardy works a full count and Santo is sighing as if he's just been informed he missed another HOF election. Hardy vs Harden for all the peanuts...Kosuke Fukudome pulls in a long fly ball at the warning track.
3:50PM: Our good buddy Kevin Kaduk asked me to write a piece for Big League Stew about Yankee Stadium. So I did. Out in California, the Angels took an early 1-0 lead against the A's on a Mark Teixeira RBI single. The Dodgers went 1-2-3 against Capps in the top half of the eleventh. Joe Torre brings in his old friend Scott Proctor to pitch the bottom half. Dude's arm has absolutely got to be made of some super-polymer engineered by the gub'mint. He retires the first two batters he faces.
3:55PM: They're going to the twelfth out in Pittsburgh. Who's excited? Okay, me neither. Back in Chicago, Bush has somewhat calmed his shit down...he's only given up the two solo dongs and a walk. Harden, on the other hand, threw 115 pitches in 5 innings and just got replaced by a pinch-hitter. In other news, the Royals have scored 10 runs, which means that all Kansas Citizens can now redeem their ticket stub for a free box of nothing from their local Go Eff Yourself store.
4:00PM: Micah Hoffpauir flies out to end the Cubs fifth inning. Back in Pittsburgh, Craig Hansen enters to do his darndest against Martin, Ethier, and Manny. Martin walks. Ethier strikes out, and Martin steals second. Manny will be intentionally walked because even John Russell ain't that dumb. Rinku and Dinesh's new coach is a combination of James Bond and Superman.
4:05PM: Jeff Samardzjia is the new pitcher at Wrigley. Did I spell that correctly? Don't answer that, I don't care. Back in Pittsburgh, Blake is doing his durndest to get a good pitch to hit...he worked the count full, and he draws a walk to load the bases. Sean Rodriguez is doing the same in Anaheim...he's got Josh Outman to throw nine pitches in one at-bat before doubling.
4:10PM: A fielding error by Mark Derosa lets Milwaukee get men on 1st and 3rd with two outs against Samardjgizzia. Meanwhile, here's T.J. Beam to face Loney with the bases full of Dodgers. Also, Joe Posnanski embarrassed us all by doing a Robert Weintraub impression.
4:15PM: Mike Cameron's RBI single ties the game at 2 in Wrigley; the Brewers take the lead on a Ray Durham RBI single. Dodgers take the lead 4-3 in Pittsburgh as Loney singles to left to bring home Martin. Bases still loaded. Kemp popped out. In KC, Alex Gordon's double puts the Royals ahead 12-0. Free donuts? Anything?
4:20PM: A commercial on the Pirates radio station advertises the ability to print baseball tickets at home, on your own printer. They included a sound effect of a dot-matrix printer. Are the people in Pittsburgh really that far behind the tech curve? Jonathan Broxton comes on to close this fucker out. In Chicago, the Brewers go up 4-2 on a Ryan Braun RBI single and Samarsha walks Fielder to bloat the bases. He's outta there, and Randy Wells is the new pitcher. Uh-oh! Wells walks Hardy on four pitches and it's 5-2 Brewers. Wells retires Corey Hart and the inning is mercifully over.
4:25PM: Broxton gets an out, then walks Nyjer Morgan. Omigod he can steal a base! He's all fast and stuff! Sound the alarm, yinzers! Morgan steals second despite my cynical attitude. Cruz lines one off Broxton's glove and Morgan moves to third as Broxton recovers and throws Cruz out at first. They'll intentionally walk McLouth again to face Jason Michaels. Meanwhile in Oakland, Joe Saunders is cruising through two innings. Still 1-0 Angels.
4:30PM: McLouth steals second with no throw. Pirates have second and third with two outs. Tying run on third, winning run on second. There may be crustaceans in our future. Especially if CTC is doing TQ. Michaels works a 2-2 count...then pops out to shallow right and this one is D-U-N done. Dodgers win 4-3 and take the series.
4:35PM: Shit, I missed "Take Me Out To The Ballgame". I bet some tired celebrity with a new TV show sang it. It's the bottom of the seventh in Chicago and Eric Gagne is in the game...he retires the Cubs 1-2-3. Still 5-2 Brewers. Dale Sveum pisses excellence. OMIGOD RUDY GIULIANI SAW A GHOST
4:40PM: Randy Wells retires the Brewers 1-2-3 in the eighth. Good for him. The Royals have maintained their dirty dozen 12-0 lead and the Angels are still up 1-0 in the fourth. In other news, go watch Steve Allen and Jayne Meadows teach you about computers.
4:45PM: Cubs have just three hits on the day. Ron Santo is saddened. Soto flies out and Fukudome struck out. Two down. That's gonna do it for your special Thursday mashup edition of the Wednesday Afternoon Liveglog Club. Everyone go get your WALC blazers dry-cleaned: we've only got one more of these fuckers left before the postseason starts up. Thanks for comin' around!