Brett Myers Will Make You Puke Up Your Philly-Lovin' Guts

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If the roast pork Italian sandwiches, Schmitters, and crab fries aren't enough to make Philadelphia fans reach for their Pepcid, then perhaps the second 2008 playoff start this afternoon for Mr. Brett Myers will. Dude has been as unpredictable as the mystery empanada of the day at Pedro McDougle's Irish-Mexican Bar and Grille in Northeast Philly: sometimes he pitches great, sometimes he pitches like garbage and gives you the squirts. Just take a peek at his game log on the year: a terrible start followed by a demotion to Triple-A followed by a return to form followed by a great winning streak followed by a trip back into the shitter followed by a memorable NLDS start against the Brewers. With his peaks and valleys, he's just like the Great American Scream Machine at Six Flags except without the huge wooden target on which to discard your chewing gum before boarding.

Times of Trenton columnist Mark Eckel agrees, and brings up Myers' Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personality to prove his point:

Myers, the Phillies' enigma of a starting pitcher-turned-closer, turned-back-to-starter, walked into the interview room yesterday at 4:45 p.m., 15 minutes earlier than planned and carried a bat with him. "I figured you guys wanted to talk about my hitting," Myers said, warming up his audience in stand- up style. "So I brought my bat."

Last night we saw the good Myers, the one the Phillies hope to see on the mound today. When a reporter was talking a little too loud on his cell phone, Myers stopped and playfully chastised him. That was a little different than the nasty altercation Myers got into with a reporter from the same newspaper a year ago.

You remember that incident, right? Here's Brett Myers going at it with Philadelphia Inquirer reporter Sam Carchidi:

BM: "Hey! You pointin' at me motherfucker?! I'll tell you what, dude, I'll knock you mutherfucking out! FUCK YOU!!! You're tough when fuckin' people are standing in front of you, aren't you, you piece of shit! Come on! You fucking idiot. Yeah, you're tough when fuckin' people are standing in front of you, you stupid ass."

SC: "I'm a retard?"

BM: "Yeah, that's right, YOU ARE, you're a fucking idiot. You ask stupid ass fucking questions!"

The man has the temperament of an obstinate rhesus monkey with hypertension and a handful of its own dung. Good luck this afternoon, Phillies fans.

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I wish absolutely no success, either personal or professional on Brett Meyers. He is truly loathesome.

I challenge him to a fight.

I was in Boston during the fateful weekend when Brett "scolded" his wife, and was at the next-days Phils-Sox game when hundreds of BoSox faithful made faux-Myers jerseys out of wife-beaters. Funny times had at the expense of an enormous douche. That said, may he pitch well today.

Also, TJ Simers is just having a laugh, right? It's a goof, yes?

There's no such thing as a stupid question. Just stupid pitchers.

I am absolutely loving this brewing Simers/Honeynut feud.

That gum target is disgusting.

For some reason, that gum target thing grosses me the fuck out.

The well-placed morsel over the 'G' in gum is what bothers me.

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