Whee. Got home just in time. No time to post lineups, Dr. Jones. Yahoo's got em. After the jump, end your workweek with Joe, Tim, Dwarf Ken and I.
We got playoff baseball and Flomax Martinis. FOR YOUR GOING PROBLEM.
4:35: Joe Beimel namedrops friend of WoW, Troy From West Virginia in the starting lineups. That is a fantastic sign.
4:36: Brett Myers has a "vintage curveball." He should wear it next time he's in Williamsburg. After getting Furcal to fly out he gets Russel Martin swinging on one of those hipster hooks.
4:40: Even someone who has only watched one baseball game in their entire life knows that "pitching inside is just part of pitching." It may be my least favorite annonucer cliche. Whatever Myers' wildness represents it's certainly effective in the first. He gets Manny swinging, End of 1/2.
4:41: Triple steak.
4:43: The Philly Phanatic is miming the lineup. I wish someone would hit me in the head with a saucepan so I'd find it as funny as Joe and Tim do. The caricatrures were cool though.
4:45: Chad Billingsley strikes out J-Roll to lead off, then gets Victorino on one pitch. That calls for some Barbara Billingsley I think.
4:47: According to Tim one of the reasons that Chase Utley gets hit so much is because he stands so close to the plate. Thanks, Tim. And one of the reasons I'm covered in hickeys is because I'm sexually attracted to the vacuum. Utley walks.
4:50: Billingsley had a "little leg issue" at the beginning of the year. Did he have it lengthened or is he just wearing lifts? Ryan Howard swings at a curveball like he's trying to detatch his arm, and Billingsley retires the side.
4:53: Has anyone heard this surprisingly good new McCartney track? It's under his occasional pseudonym, The Fireman, and it's the first good thing he's done since Jamie Moyer was 50. Chef Ethier singles to right off of Myers.
4:56 Sandy Koufax in the house! He's looks so toned, atoned and refreshed. He should have a Schmitter and celebrate YUM KIPPUR. Amirite?
4:58: James Loney misses a two run ding dong by about 2 feet, it bounces off the top of the wall and Ethier stops at third. Get the tapas ready, he's almost back to the dugout.
5:00: Myers gets Kemp to strikeout. Earlier today I received an email from a friend that knew Myers growing up in Jacksonville. You're never going to believe this... he was a dick.
5:01: Joe Torre says that Blake DeWitt is "always going to play on winning ballclubs." Either Joe Torre stole the Sports Almanac from Biff Tannen, or that's a really stupid thing to say. DeWitt grounds it to first, Either scores. 1-0 Dodgers.
5:05: After the IBB to Hot Water Blake, Billingsley flies out to right. Inning over.
5:08: That happy birthday sign to Pat Burrell was an "example of Pat Burrell turning 32" says Tim. That is not correct usage. They are waaaay dumber today than last night. Burrell strikes out. Werth also goes down on K. I guess this calls for another Barbara Billingsley video.
5:12: Dobbs singles. I want to make fun of what Tim McCarver just said about catchers but it truly was not English. You may get tired of me talking about Tim by the end of today but that's what they're paying me for.
5:13 Carlos Rosie Ruiz hits a true "gapper" to drive Lou Dobbs all the way in from first. Then Dick Myers drives HIM in with a single. None of this calls for a Barbara Billingsley video. 2-1 Phillies.
5:15: The Dodgers are being undone by the dink and dunk. Jimmy Rollins threads a seeing eye single over second, and after Kemp kicks it Myers runs like he's being chased by a junkyard dog to third as Rollins cruises into second. SLOW DOWN GUYS I AM GLOGGING.
5:17: Are the Philly fans chanting, "Beat LA" or is it something else about Troy from WV? Either way I'm confused.
5:18: Victorino smacks it to left center. Myers and Rollins score. 4-1 Phillies. Uh oh, Roger Dodgers.
5:19: IT'S THE INFAMOUS JUNE CLEAVER CURSE.
5:20: Yup. They're totally chanting Beat LA. That is weeeeeeaaaak. Get your own chant, animals.
5:23: Billingsley just misses off the inside corner to walk Chutley. Howard comes up with two men on. This could be very bad for LA.
5:25: But it isn't. Howard strikes out. To recap, the Phillies get 4 runs on 5 hits, all with two outs. WHA HAPPUND?
5:27: The last time the playoffs coincided with the election, I was waaaaay too into the Red Sox trying to avenge the nightmare of '03 to care too much about the constant political commercials. I was also too drunk. This time around, not so much.
5:31: Furcal makes a poopy bunt back to the mound. Myers walks Russel Martin and I believe the Phillies fans are now chanting DRILL BABY, DRILL!
5:32: Manny flies out weakly to second. 2 down.
5:34: Carlos Ruiz almost picks off his counterpart, Martin on a snap throw to first. I am impressed with this Ruiz feller. Ethier walks after Buck and McCarver manage to make his interesting food blog sound super duper boring. These guys are magicians of their craft I tell you. 2 on.
5:36: Loney gets one back for the Dodgers on his 7th RBI of the postseason. 4-2 Phillies IT'S RICH DUBEE TIME. PUT THE CHRONIC IN THERE.
5:39: Kemp smashes one down to Lou Dobbs who lets it go through his legs like a Mexican crossing the border to take your job. Didn't Harry Kalas call Pedro Feliz "The Glove" last night? Hmmm. Bases full of Dodgers.
5:41 Myers get the K on DeWitt, and Fox plays us out to "I Love LA." For the second time this game. There are other songs with LA in the title. They know of them not.
5:44: McCarver seems to be extra obsessed with telling us how "baseball really is" today. Throwing inside, fighting among your team and coaches, sounding like a moron when you open your mouth. He's gonna cover it all. Police Chief Burrell singles.
5:47: Jayson Werth smokes one down the line into left. Burrell stops at third. IT'S RICK HONEYCUTT TIME. PUT THE CHRONIC HAM IN IT.
5:48: 24: Redemption: With Pontiac Carthing Starring Keifer Sutherland. That's a catchy name. Really gets stuck in your head. IBB to Lou Dobbs. He's getting a free pass just like the illegal immigrants that we let through our borders to take your job.
5:50: Loney makes a smooth play on a tough chopper down the 1B line. Very nice. He gets Burrell at home. 1 down, bases still loaded. Dickhead lines one into right. 2 runs score. 6-2 Phillies. HURRY UP SOMEONE SAY HE'S HELPING HIS OWN CAUSE.
5:52: Billingsley is getting yanked. Everything really did fall apart after I played that McDonald's commercial. That's now the official jinx video of the 2008 playoffs. Take note for you own nefarious purposes. Email it to your enemy.
5:54: Chan Ho Park comes into the game with one down and runners on the corner. Park has actually been rather solid this year. He Ks Rollins.
5:58: Victorino drills a triple into left center, plating 2. This is getting out of hand. 8-2 Phillies. It's still the third inning.
5:59: I think the Phillies fans are now chanting "ROCK CHALK JAYHAWK."
6:01: Oh good, Jon Voight is on 24 this year. That's just what that show needs. An overactor. I'm going to need to match this pencil against his teethmarks though.
6:04: Since Joe Beimel came in I figured I'd put up a video of Troy. Um... here's a video of him doing some 9/11 truth stuff under a different name. I'm scared and confused.
6:06: I should have gotten something to eat before I started this.
6:08: Beimel walks Howard. The bases are loaded again. I am hungry. I believe it was Andrew Jackson that said, "We do not measure a glogger by his ability during good games, but by his fortitude in the friggin blowouts."
6:11: "WebMD is a bible to most mothers." GUESS THEY DIDN'T READ THE GOSPEL OF CONTRACEPTION.
6:13: James McDonald FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY ends the third inning on a strikeout.
6:14: Anyone else expecting to see this E-Trade Baby try to hang himself soon? How can he possibly still be making money? He has no credibility.
6:17: Hot Water Blake leads off the inning with a single. I'm dipping a baguette into olive oil with rosemary and garlic because i have no other food. Tasty though.
6:18: Tim McCarver "has never been as wrong about a young player" as he was about Jeff Kent. OOH OOH DO MORE. What else were you most wrong about, you coot? I could listen to that all night!
6:19: Kent grounds into the 6-4-3 DP. Philly fans begin chanting "4 MORE YEARS! 4 MORE YEARS!"
6:21: Furcal reaches on a strikeout because Myers is a tool. Then Martin singles bringing up Manny.
6:23: Manny's hair looks like yarn.... HOME RUN MANNY. Right into the flowers. 3 run funny bone. 8-5 Phillies.
6:25: Manny screaming at Dickhead. Man I hope Myers is still in there for his next at bat. Dickhead rebounds nicely, striking out either. End 3 1/2.
6:32: Lou Dobbs rips one through the right side like a Mexi... oh you get it. I missed the out in this inning it was cleaning my olive oil dish. Here's Ruiz.
6:34: Ruiz hits to short, Dodgers get one at second but can't turn two. Wee Carlos has wheels. The hottest hitter in baseball, Brett Myers comes up and chops a lucky infield single. Upon reaching first he shakes his head with an affable "Aw Shucks!" HE HITS BASEBALLS BETTER THAN HE HITS HIS WIFE. Sorry. Had to do it. I hate him.
6:36: Of course, Joe Buck thinks that Myers' reactions to his hits are great. Of course he does! Why aren't I drinking yet?
6:38: McDonald strikes out Rollins. End of inning.
6:39: Hey you guys know that website The Big Lead? They really love sports! Honest! This was just sent to me by a reader:
That's from earlier tonight. They've since corrected it. Just sayin.
6:41: Myers gets Loney to fly out. Lefty Clayton Kershaw is being mentioned as the long reliever out in the Dodgers bullpen. I assume this means that Maddux is starting game for. That doesn't seem like a very good idea to me. Or Joe Sheehan from BP, who's opinion I'm stealing right now.
6:47: In his first major league at bat, James McDonald grounds into a fielder's choice. Buck and McCarver seem to be flummoxed by Torre's decision to hit McDonald instead of replacing him with a pinch hitter. Well, I think it's at least understandable seeing as how they just spent 5 minutes talking about his lack of options in the bullpen. Not saying it was the right move, but it's not crazy. Blake flies out to right. End of inning. Still 8-5 Phillies.
6:53: I THINK LIKE JOE TORRE. SOMEONE GET ME AN ENSURE.
6:54: Utley walks agaaaaain. One out and one on. Ken Rosenthal tells us about how Frank McCourt vetoed the Sabathia trade because it cost too much "but then they got Manny without having to pay his salary, so everything worked out." Yes Manny really did pitch some fantastic games down the stretch didn't he? On three days' rest even! Howard grounds into FC at first. 2 down.
6:58: Did McCarver just say "Nude Phillies Pitcher?" Sexy. Too bad they don't have Alfonseca anymore he had 6 cocks.
6:59: McDonald strikes out Burrell and has done a great job keeping the Phils off the board. Kent, Furcal and Martin due up for the Dodgers. Myers is being taken out of the game which is good because I don't have to look at his stupid face, but bad because Manny can't pop a line drive off of it.
7:03: In 90 minutes, the Red Sox kick things off and I am watching them in Harvard Sq. WILL this game end soon enough to allow me to finish glogging, put on deodorant, and head over there. We'll see! Rafael Furcal, infield single.
7:06: Manny pops out to end the inning. I totally spaced out on the first two outs of that inning. /sticks finger in collar SHEEE-EEESH
7:08: So Avodart shrinks your prostate, and Viagra allows your wangwong to get bigger. Don't mix up your pills! MOM WAS RIGHT I SHOULD HAVE BEEN A REPRODUCTIVE TAILOR.
7:10: Jayson Werth flies out to deep center. That fly balls just die out there, man. Boys & Girls club is the official charity of MLB. Funny, I always thought it was The Nationals. Dobbs strikes out, Ruiz flies out. Young McDonald Had A Farm Where He Grew Good Pitching To Use In Games E-I-E-I-O.
7:18: Ethier grounds out. I will say this for Joe Buck. I enjoy his "jamshot" about 500 times more than Chip Caray's "fisted."
7:20: Jesus Christ Romero makes James Loney look cold stupid on a strikeout. Phillies fans begin chanting, "FREE MANDELA!"
7:23: Nomar is coming into the game. Sigh. Sometimes I do this too.
7:26: Nomar singles off new Phils pitcher Ryan Madson. I liked him in Free Willy and Resevoir Dogs.
7:29:Blake drives a fly ball about as far as you can in this park without hitting a home run. Victorino makes a nice leaping catch and McCarver says, "Feeling for the wall and saving the farm." I give up.
7th Inning Stretch. Philly's very good, but a tad overrated Marah. Please to enjoy.
7:32: Ugggghhhhh. Kershaw is in the game. This means Torre decided to start Maddux against the Phillies. 2008 Greg Maddux. Against the stocked with Lefties Phillies. I dunno, Joe.
7:36: Kershaw engineers a quick side retirement. I'm gonna go brush my teeth. As long as I smell nice, I'm cool. The bar I'm going to is dark.
7:40: Jeff Kent caught that pitch in his butt then popped it up with compressed air but it was caught by the second baseman. One down.
7:41: Rafael Furcal strikes out and the PHILLIES FANS ARE CHANTING BEAT LA BECAUSE THEY'RE TOTALLY DEVOID OF ANY CREATIVITY, IT'S ALL METASTASIZED INTO MAYONNAISE GET YOUR OWN CHEER.
7:43: Madson strikes out Martin and man my mouse may make me money. To bottom of 8th. This may be my last half inning. Can't miss the Sox, yo.
7:48: Chutley flies out, Howard flies out. Am I gonna need a jacket? Who is that milfy blonde with Koufax? Guh. Kershaw walks Bruntlett. Stop it already.
Now pitching for the Dodgers: Wade.
7:55: Lidge is coming in. Please stay perfect, Mr. Lidge. I know I'm kinda rooting for the Dodgers but it's more important for me to go get my ALCS on. Thank you. Also please send me a pony. -Kris
7:58: Jesus. Lidge walks Manny. Heeeeeere we go.
8:00: Manny takes second as Chef Eithier strikes out on a slider. THATS A SPICY MEATABALL.
8:02: ...Lidge has worked to a full count on Loney now. This is wickedintenseandikindahavetopeeilovetheplayoffs
8:03: Lidge walks Loney. THIS. Is something. This must make people in Philly angry! TJ Simers is handsome!
8:06: Lidge strikes out Kemp, on the easiest, most hanging slider he's thrown tonight. This brings up Nomar.
8:08: Jesus, that man will swing at anything. Oh well. Congrats Phillies, they go up 2-0 in the series. NOW GET A NEW CHANT.
Thanks for reading, all. Join Sooze at the bottom of the hour for your Boston/Tampa love.