Monday Night Liveglog Club: World Series Game Five

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Welcome, liveglog club members, to the fifth liveglog of the World Series as presented by Walkoff Walk! Follow along with me tonight as I attempt to make clever witticisms about the baseball game set to start in Philadelphia any minute now. The Tampa Bay Rays are looking to rebound from two straight road losses to the Philadelphia Phillies, who find themselves justthisclose to a friggin' championship. Because tonight has the opportunity for one team to clinch, prepare yourself for the possibility that this is the final liveglog of the 2008 season.

If some elements of this liveglog seem familiar to you, perhaps it's because Game Five's pitching matchup is the same as that of Game One. Therefore and henceforth, I have deemed it necessary to repeat the usage of the following pair of photographs that completely illustrates tonight's starters, Scott Kazmir of the Rays and Cole Hamels of the Phillies:


Both pitchers didn't go off message very much in Game One; Hamels continued to dominate while Kazmir continued to struggle, giving up too many walks and too many tater tots to be successful. Even worse for Kazmir, he'll need to pitch a shutout tonight to win if his Rays lineup continues to be mired in shittiness. From Fribble King David Pinto at Baseball Musings:

The strength of this lineup lies in their 1-4 hitters, and that quartet has not gotten on base in this series. Combined they collected seven hits and four walks in the first four games in 60 at bats for a .172 OBA.

Yikes! Those stats are enough to make anyone lose their hair. Let's hope for a good, close game that is completely unaffected by poor umpiring calls. Enough prelude, onto the glog...AFTER THE COMPULSORY JUMP

8:00PM: No time for lineups, Dr. Jones. Instead, peep the only important managerial decision of the evening over at Ghostrunner on First: it's Baldelli time, drutherchuckers. Oh, and Carl Crawford is batting second because he seems to be the only Ray who can put ball to bat and then put ball into play.

8:05PM: So it's like, raining and stuff in Philadelphia. This does not bode well for the players who are not fully waterproofed.

8:10PM: While you are waiting for the National Anthem to commence, please enjoy this video:

LIP DUB IUT SRC ROUEN 2008 from arcanes-prod on Vimeo.

8:15PM: My God, John Oates is the first human being I have ever seen implore the crowd to sing along with him to the National Anthem in this country. Too bad he didn't actually, you know, sing it at a standard tempo which would actually, you know, make it easy for folks to sing along.

8:20PM: Maybe someday, the World Series will be permanently moved to the new Baseball Network and the regular broadcast networks can finally wash their hands of sporting events. That way, we won't have to suffer through so many goddamn House commercials and networks like FOX can concentrate on producing more horrible reality shows like I Want To Marry a Fifth Grader.

8:25PM: Dmac has the best political sign of the entire campaign season.

8:27PM: Rocco Baldelli announces the Rays lineup. Somewhere on Bloor Street, our weekend editor Lloyd is fainting with absolute glee and devotion to his idol.

8:30PM: Okay, the DirecTV ads have been horrendously repetitive, but here's the best clip from the National Lampoon's Vacation movie:


8:31PM: First pitch is a strike!

8:34PM: That porch in left field is short, but just not short enough for Iwamura who has flown out deep to Burrell at least three times in the past three games. Crawford pulls an Upton and lollygags his way down the first base line. Upton also pulls an Upton, except he never had a chance. Quick top o' the first!

8:36PM: "Naturally, we called our stuff GatorADE." I hate you, Southern scientist. 1bottom.jpg

8:39PM: Donovan McNabb announces the Phillies lineup; somewhere, my girlfriend swoons. Jimmy Rollins leads off with a lazy flyout to left.

8:42PM: Midgame rumormongering: Rick Sutcliffe to replace Joe Morgan on ESPN's Sunday night broadcasts? Kazmir walks Jayson Werth; Werth drops his bat and totes his extraneous 'Y' and douchey facial hair down to first base.

8:43PM: CHUTLEY PLUNKED. Where's Clare when we need her?

8:46PM: The Philly faithful starts a tepid "M-V-P" chant for Ryan Howard. I hope they are wishing for a World Series MVP for the big man because he just doesn't deserve the regular season award. Yeah, Rob, you try explaining sabermetrics to folks from Chichester, PA. Big fella strikes out.

8:47PM: Hey, Scott Kazmir is pitching a no-hitter through 2/3 of an inning.

8:49PM: Okay, Victorino broke up the single worst no-hitter in playoff history. It's 2-0 Phillies thanks to a bases-bloated single.

8:51PM: Feliz it or not, the bases are juiced again. Poor Pat Burrell has the stubby 'n' creaky legs of a 55-year-old Italian godmother or else he'd have scored.

8:54PM: Ruiz flies out and the inning is done, 2-0 Phillies. 1bottom.jpg

8:56PM: Reeking of desperation, Carlos Pena embarrasses himself and us all by attempting a bunt and failing miserably. HOW DO YOU LIVE LIKE THIS, RAYS FAN? Longoria flies out gently.

8:59PM: FOX, always on top of the most important statistics, tells us that Cole Hamels has been the epitome of the lazy American worker by only putting three minutes of work in over his first 1 and 2/3 innings. Meanwhile, hardworking Japanese immigrant Scott Kazmir has toiled away for fifteen whole minutes and gotten far more accomplished! For the other team, of course. Navarro walks.

9:00PM: Baldelli pops out, and we'll go to the middle of the second. In related news, Donovan McNabb implores Philadelphians to attend Restaurant Week and raise money for the police. Donovan McNabb is a winner in my book.

9:01PM: For your auditory entertainment between innings, Kanye West's new singalong. Jaunty Banners!

9:04PM: Cole Hamels strikes out feebly to start the inning as we are treated to Shane Victorino's postulatin' theories on wind patterns in the Greater Philadelphia Area.

9:07PM: Tim McCarver attempts to create drama by asking if he will be getting his Jason Bartlett-sponsored free taco in Tampa tomorrow, or back home in his lair of disinformation and shitty announcing, which Wikipedia tells me is in Flint, Michigan.

9:09PM: Jayson Werth singles, bringing up Chutley. Clare's buddy flies out to Longoria. End of second!

9:10PM: So far, this game has all the excitement of the Chichester - Sun Valley Turkey Bowl, with the added glitz and glamour of a John Oates appearance! Jaunty Banners!

9:16PM: Iwamura collects the first Rays hit after some stuff happened that I missed because I pissed.

9:18PM: Here's a video illustration of the Rays game plan so far tonight, thanks to commenter Honeynut Ichiros:

Jaunty Banners!

9:20PM: Scott Kazmir gives Ryan Howard a serious case of the high hard ones and strikes him out on three pitches. Hey, Joe Buck is telling us what we missed in the first four games! While You Were Sleeping ho ho ho.

9:22PM: Kazmir eliminates Burrell and Victorino and he will now persuade his mates to follow his lead and get on the fucking board. Jaunty Banners!

9:26PM: Allow me to break down the fourth wall of liveglogging: Ever notice that sometime around the fourth inning of a liveglog, I get distracted and start missing things that happen during the game? Yeah, sorry about that. Still, I assume you're all watching along at home so forgive me if I incorrectly report game action and/or embed awful videos of French people lip synching to Thriller. Jimmy Rollins throw baseball hard, record out.

9:29PM: Joe and Tim agree that no manager has ever been as forthcoming as Joe Maddon in their thirteen years of assaulting our sensibilities with their poor attempt at broadcasting nationally televised baseball games. Honesty will only get you so far, you hipster doofus. Now try and appease Joe Morgan. Carlos Pena FINALLY gets off the schneid and doubles off the right field scoreboard.

9:30PM: Longoria follows Pena and removes his own personal monkey, singling in the big fella to close the Rays within one run. 2-1 Phils.

9:31PM: Cole Hamels: not waterproof.

9:32PM: Phillies infield defense: can take a soakin' and keep on smokin'. That GIDP sends us to the middle of the fourth. Jaunty Banners!

9:35PM: Joe Buck, amateur meteorologist, professional understander of baseball rules. This game is required to go the full nine, kids.

9:38PM: If there is any sort of rain delay in this game, I am not liveglogging the "Til Death" show. Or the "Steve Harvey" show. I might fire up the DVR and catch up on "Survivor". No spoilers, Chief, or I'll eat your dog. Ruiz singles and Hamels nearly breaks his fucking finger attempting to bunt. An entire populace gasps.

9:40PM: Poor Cole Hamels is stuck on first base with two outs and Jimmy Rollins embroiled in a full count foul fest. Hamels is cold, soaking wet, and nursing an ouchie finger.

9:43PM: Rollins walks, and now Hamels is cold and wet on second base.

9:46PM: Awesome, Jayson Werth fouled one off so hard, it went backwards and lodged itself into the advertisement. WERTH SMASH.

9:47PM: Werth walks, and now Hamels is cold and wet on third base. He's just like I was the first time I got to third base.

9:50PM: Bases juiced, a 3-2 count, and Chase Utley grounds out into the shift. Poor Cole Hamels can't catch a break and must head directly to the mound, does not pass Go and does not collect two hundie dollah. Jaunty Banners!

9:53PM: The wind and rain bedeviled Jimmy Rollins and Rocco is now on first base thanks to a major oopsie.

9:56PM: My stars! My garters! Chase Utley just earned the next six NL Gold Gloves at second base with that one AMAZING double play.

9:57PM: Kazmir strikes out at the hands of his nemesis, and we're through four and a half. Jaunty Banners!

10:02PM: Kazmir walks Howard and Buck and McCarver devolve into more weather chit-chat. Please please please don't delay this game, weather gods.

10:04PM: Kazmir has issues with the mound. Not unlike the first time I got to third base.

10:06PM: Kazmir just cannot find the strike zone. Even his strikeouts have all been swinging on high hard ones or low breaking balls. Runners on first and second, and the kid is D-U-N done.

10:08PM: A little musical interlude for your pitching change break:

10:12PM: Grant Balfour is your new Rays pitcher and he will enjoy some new dirt on the pitching mound. Oh good! ANOTHER commercial break! Thanks, weather!

10:18PM: Two quick flyouts and Grant Balfour is cooking with gas. Joe Maddon demands an infield fly rule to be called!

10:20PM: Make that three quick outs, and we're headed to the sixth. Here's some of Honeynut Ichiro's very own Farthammer Cakies: cakies.jpg Jaunty Banners!

10:24PM: Joe Buck takes a moment to educate us on the wrinkles of the infield fly rule, and whether or not umpires can choose to use it at their own discretion. And now we are stuck listening to Ken Robothal inform us about the umpire's collective bargaining agre....zzzzzzzzzzz

10:26PM: Another commercial. This game is dragging worse than Social Studies class.

10:29PM: Iwamura strikes out on a soggy and wide strike by Hamels. Joe Buck brings up the umpire's inconsistency in calling strikes and strikes a blow to the umpire's collective bargaining agre....zzzzzzz

10:32PM: Jimmy Rollins really hates the soaking wet conditions. Other people who hate the conditions: folks with soggy crab fries.

10:35PM: Please, FOX cameramen, for the love of God, find Bud Selig and capture him throwing his dumb hands in the air again.

10:36PM: The only thing that could piss Maddon off more right now would be snow. No, not the weather condition, this guy.

10:38PM: Carlos Pena fives his stroke in Game Found, tying up the contest at 2 with an RBI single.

10:39PM: B.J. Upton is a mudder.

10:42PM: If we come back from commercial and there is no tarp on that field, I'm filing a protest with the League of Livegloggers.

10:43PM: RAIN DELAY THEATRE! I'll be back when the game resumes, dudes and dudettes.

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"It's a great time for all of us to come together."

Except for that bastard Daryl Hall.

That screen grab is scary enough; I'm not clicking 'play'--sorry, Rob.

Little Richard looks great.

The only thing that could be weirder than that video is a video of Gary Busey talking.

Neither Hall nor Oates can do no wrong after "Private Eyes" (clap clap)

WHY was I dumb enough to watch Le Thriller?

Hopefully, Rocco is going with the first name basis jersey tonight.

Probably because you were waiting for the choreographed part that never came. Like I was.

Gorge, was kidding about the gumbo, actually did make a delicious stew though:

2 lbs. cubed lamb
1 lb. cubed top round beef
16 oz. beef stock
1 16 oz. can guiness
1/2 bottle red bordeaux
olive oil
1 tablespoon thyme
1 tablespoon sugar
1 tablespoon salt
2 cloves garlic

Brown the meat in the olive oil and minced garlic (5 minutes on high heat)

Add to pot with the rest of the ingredients. Bring to boil for 5 minutes. Simmer for three hours stirring occasionally.

3 potatoes, peeled and cubed
2 cups baby carrots
2 cups pearl (cocktail) onions
1 cup frozen peas
1/4 stick butter

Brown veggies in skillet with butter, dump in stew pot. Simmer another hour, serve over noodles.

Simple yet tasty.

Willa Holland is on Gossip Girl.


I mean sweet pitch Whole Camels

Phillies get a PROVEN winner to announce their lineup. Genius.

Chief, thanks. I do a similar one but I should try adding Guiness.

If that's sarcasm, I'll eat your children, Colonel.

Actually sounds like KaZmir tonight. So far.

Fuck the Gators

Colonel is quickly falling out of my favor.

Also, between the Joe Beimel/Troy in WVa reference and now Rocco doing the lineup, someone in the Fox crew is a BIG WoW fan. If Joe Buck references In 'n Out, the jig is up.

Hey Chief,

What's the difference between a microwave and anal sex?

A microwave won't brown your meat!

Kazmir is the beneficiary of a post-it sized srike zone.

Feliz is not the greatest American hero, Rob.

More people should get rammed by rams in gum commercials. In ALL commercials, as a matter of fact. Wouldn't that eTrade spot have been beTter if a ram knocked that BABY'S highchair down? See?

Sorry for the random capitlization.

Was Pena kidding us with that bunt? Are the Rays just gonna fuck around tonight?

Joe Buck's made up phrase of the night: Teeth of the Wind.

Kanye said on his twitter that he didn't leak that track.

More annoying chin-follery: Werth or Spiezio?

Then who leaked it? Santa Claus?

the easter bunny.

Man, if you can't root for Chuck and Blair, then what can you root for? Er, I mean...Joe Buck is awful.

I will root for Little J and Agnes.

I mean uhhh


I would not eat anything, however, while watching this. You might choke.

11 minutes was the perfect amount of time. They were barely brown on top and still fluffy in the middle. Just like me.

Good. Now eat 4 more and get diabetes.

this could be the last glog of the season. no potty breaks

Big news, we just got Moe's DNA test back. My dog is 75% Chihuahua, 15% Italian Greyhound and 10% Shih Tzu. So he's lazy, passionate, and hard working I guess.

My dog is 100% shits, ew.

Just like David Wells! Except small.

I would have gone with illegal, hairy, and can't drive.
oh, and cute.

These ear flap hats are completely unacceptable. Tommy Lasorda is spinning in his grave.

Oh, he's not dead? Well then. I owe somebody $5.

4th inning of liveglogging with no distractions = 4-minute mile. One day, someone will beat this seemingly impossible feat.

Yeah, I get that feeling about 60 seconds into my Hills blogging, but dammit I power through it.

[eats mint milano]


Fuck this, I'm making cakies tomorrow night.

An Atlee Hammaker reference. Thanks, Tim.


Matt_T liveglogs for teenage girls. It's not equal. I liveglog for married thirtysomethings.

UTFLW, me too.

Anybody got a picture of their cakie?

Who doesn't love teenaged girls?

Rob, I have a major spoiler:

Jessica has been dead the whole time, and has a penis.

Hammer, we'll still be around this offseason. I for one am looking forward to it because it'll give me sometime to stretch out and do longer pieces. Especially more interviews.

Maybe I'll interview a famous chef that likes baseball.

That would be rad if you could interview Craig Finn

CTC, thank you. If you and Rob left us, I'd cut myself just to see if I could still feel.

I wish I had a blog the time I hung out with him. We talked baseball but I was way too fucking drunk to remember any of it.

If you want to interview legendary New Orleans chef Jack Leonardi (of Jacques-Imo's) I can set you up. He knows dick about baseball but damn can he cook.

Wahoo, that's a quality stew blueprint.

My dog is 100% jerk.

CTC, come to SF and interview Guy Fieri.

CTC, my parents-in-law know Gary Danko. I bet Fieri knows more about baseball though.


Unless he can give us TGI Fridays coupons. They have great jalapeno poppers! ZZZZZZZ

Gorge I know it's good stew because Moe frigging loves it. Of course he also loves licking other dogs assholes so it might not be the best endorsement.

Wahoo, that's a quality stew blueprint.

My dog is 100% jerk.

I bet Bourdain likes baseball. That guy is one of my heroes.

No Guy Fieri, but more Giadi and Aida Longlastname plz.

Beautiful play Chutley, you magnificent bastard.

I wish I could be as cool as Bourdain.

I eat at Bourdain's resto (that's insider-speak for restaurants) every couple weeks. Dude makes righteous fries.

Bourdain probably knows more about bull fighting than baseball.

CTC, I just watched his No Reservations where he shoots full-autos with Ted Nugent.


No Reservations in must-see TV. Great, great show.

matt_t: I once had sexual relations (in the Clintonian sense) with Aida Turturro. Is that who you meant?

Ted Nugent riding a buffalo on the new guitar hero

Mrs. Honeynut is uploading cakie pics as we speak.

@chief wahoo
Where did you get this DNA test done? We have what may be the greatest mutt of a dog EVAR, but we can't nail down his species mix. We need to breed more of him and teach them to play football or something.

/enthusiastic about his dog

For all you fine fellows in the world of finance: as of five minutes ago, the Nikkei was sitting at a 26-year intraday low. Yikes!

Perfect ending to Bud Selig's tenure? Coming onto the field, looking around, shrugging his shoulders and awarding the game to Philly.


We went with Cheapest of all the DNA test labs for pets, so we are having our doubts, but the results do make sense.

There go all of Rob's stocks in those dirty panty vending machines.

Fine, Matt, your Aida is hotter. My Aida, however, had the distinct advantage of being available at a Sopranos wrap party where I was wasted.

Chief, did she gag you and plunge a dildo up your mudhole?

Ask for cakie pics, and cakie pics you shall receive.

Note: those are my gigantor hands holding the cakie. They're actually pretty sizable (about 2.5" dia.).

Honeynut, your fingers look swollen from all the sugar coursing through your veins.

No, Fartie, the incident in question happened well before that episode. Not sure if I would have been more or less turned on had I seen that first.

Wow, they really do. They were taken from an iPhone, which, ummm, adds ten pounds.

Holy diabetes those cakies look good.

Those look perfect. I feel prouder than I will when I see my eventual first child.

someone mail me some of those cakies.

The internet: spreading angina-inducing recipes since 1992.

Call me a sap, but I think it's pretty fucking awesome that Walkoff Walk has facilitated cross country sharing of recipes that people are actually making and taking pictures of.

You guys rule.

When me and my buddies used to play RBI all day, we enforced a strict infield fly rule with 2 or more runners on base. If you intentionally dropped a short fly and threw all the guys out, you weren't allowed to take anymore bong hits.

Fartie, speaking as someone who just had his six-year-old run up and, for no reason, give him three smooches on the cheek: you're wrong about that, but cakies rock, nonetheless.

This World Series needs more pitchers not fielding their positions well.

These umps hate the Rays and want to get out of the rain.

Well put, CTC.

Not awesome? Eating 5 cakies in 12 minutes. I might not make it through the night.

If you die before you wake, have the widow send leftover cakies to the umps, plz.

They need to postpone this game.


Is there a chicken in the house?

Jimmy Rollins really hates the soaking wet conditions. Other people who hate the conditions: Sugar Dan The Sugar Man



That was the biggest jump I've ever seen.

Is Upton scratching his nuts while on base?

If so, I applaud him

I'm gonna flip out. Either eliminate the rule, or start calling it. I'm gonna try and be a little league ump and start calling balks on everyone.

If this game gets any more soft focus Tootsie is going to make an appearance.

It's tied. Postpone the game.

Tie ball game--and Upton's ass-crack is now chock full o' infield mud!

I once stayed at the same hotel as Snow in Jamaica. My buddy went to battle rap him, but his posse intervened. I'm not making this up.

In my youth I roadied for the Cro-Mags and 3rd Bass.


Are you friends with Mekhi Phifer?

"I don't know how a crowd this soaked can make this much noise."
-Joe Buck

Sounds like he never met my girfriend!*

*ex-girlfriend after she met her now boyfriend

In my youth I saw Michael Bolton open for Heart.

I am not friends with Mekhi Phifer...yet.

I once went to a Rick Springfield concert. I win.

I taught Wyclef how to bodysurf at Pacific Beach in San Diego.

CTC: false. Black men don't swim.

How fucking stupid is it that MLB has not adjusted the rule for the postseason, so that any postseason game that gets suspended has to be resumed? If Pena does not get that hit and the rain gets worse, then this game ends like a stupid NASCAR race on a yellow flag or whatever they do at those things? Incredible.

Nope totally true. MTV Beach House. Summer 2000.

This ditz that does the Fox local news was way unprepared for the news. The closeted weatherman says there's no way they're resuming the game.

Stop it with your fucking made-up Wyclef stories. Just like the time you claimed you made out with Janet Jackson in Miami.

My local FOX affiliate is killing the time with an episode of ________.

A. The Simpsons
B. Extra
C. M*A*S*H
D. Seinfeld
E. East Bay Cookin' with Farthammer

Wait, what, CTC made out with Wyclef while Janet flashed her nipple and Tito made cakies?

Janet Jackson came to my house to use the bathroom once.



MASH. Many local Fox affils get MASH for near-free and thus use it as emergency programming.

I am getting Friends. Teri Garr has seen better days.

That's a great guess, CTC, but you underestimate the lameness of this station. The answer is, amazingly, C. M*A*S*H. It's like they want people to not come back.


I say MASH. Probably a Winchester episode.

Honeynut wins.

Teri Garr never had good days. See "After Hours" for evidence.

Chief, what about Young Frankenstein?

Colonel, I wish I could confirm the details but they've already switched to Judge Judy.

I couldn't see anything other than Madelein Kahn.

Chief, you think Madelien Kahn is hotter than Terri Garr? No wonder you let Tony Soprano blow you.

P.S. Remember that chick on Dave's World that kinda looked like Terri Garr? She was hot.

CTC: not Tony, Tony's sister. I was past my ecstacy phase by then.

I have to be at work at 230. 3 hours and stuff.

Night kids.

Good night Lady Andrea!

May your dreams be haunted by the melody "veggie veggie, fruit fruit".

This is getting awkward.

Holy shit, Iracane, I love you for that link.

ESPN saying game will resume Tuesday at 8:00.

Also, the Rays have reportedly checked out of their hotel, and that hotel is booked, so they're having to scramble to find a place to stay tonight. I think they should go with Charlie's apartment and chow down on cat food, to ensure a good night's sleep.

Goodnight and thanks, Gorge!

Alright, rise and shine people! What'd I miss?

Hello? Hello?

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