Monday Night Liveglog: Paula Abdul vs. Betsy Ross

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playoffliveglog.jpgOnce again, I'm super duper jazzed to be here, liveglogging Game 4 of the NLCS with you handsome commenters. In case you've been in a coma for the past couple of weeks (and if that's the case, welcome back!) the Dodgers are trying to fight their way back into contention, heading into tonight's game against the Phillies riding a 1-2 deficit like a cheap date.

Before I go making any crazy promises, like how I won't drink too many PBRs and start counting back in time after the fifth inning, I'd just like to say: Jeanie Zelasko terrifies me.

Yay baseballs!

7:11: Jeanie Zelasko is totally kicking shoulder pads right now.

7:14: We're gonna go with Central Standard Time, so I don't get hung over.

7:23: Men in fedoras get all the babes. Sarge just took a little bit of the sting of Joe Buck's irritating voice out of my heart.

7:25: Well, there goes the no-hittter. Too bad, too, cause Derek Lowe was dealing. J-Roll gets the party started with a line drive to center.

7:27: Jayson Werth, rockin' the dirtball feather under his helmet, executes the hit and run and sends Rollins to third. Runners on the corners, nobody out, the future father of my babies at the plate.

7:30: Lowe is getting hammered! Let's follow suit. Chutley nails an RBI double and Ryan Monster Howard grounds out to bring Werth around the horn. PHI 2, LAD 0

7:31: I can't even keep up with Lowe's level of suckiness. No one types that fast.

7:34: The Bat draws a controversial walk and Joe Torre makes the first of at least two coaching visits to the mound.

7:36: Whatever he said worked, as Shane Victorino grounds into a DP to bring us to the bottom of the first.

7:38: Andre Ethier? You'll get nothing from Kershaw and like it.

7:39: Rafael Furcal knows how to get the party started! That's right, with a bunt single.

7:41: The speedy Furcal makes his way to second thanks to an Andre Ethier groundout. Dodger Stadium goes absolutely batshit with Manny at the plate.

7:43: Man, they're pissed. Joe Blanton intentionally walks Man-Ram to get to Russell Martin, who gets wrung up on a breaking ball.

7:45: Now seems like a good time for a bench-clearing brawl. James Loney fists one up the middle to put the Dodgers on the board.

7:47: So I guess we're gonna go ahead and take a shot of Jameson for every time either team scores, starting 3 runs ago..

7:48: Blake Dewitt hit the ball pretty hard, straight at Howard to end the inning. PHI 2, LAD 1

7:49: I was not impressed with the headache I got from the constant phantom cowbell sound in my head Friday night... which brings me to this picture.

migraine.jpg 7:52: Dobbs doubles to kick off the second, which makes me think these guys mean business.

7:54: Backstop Carlos Ruiz grounds out with Jimmy Rollins on deck, who's pretty much sucked ass this postseason.

yes.jpg7:58: Weird! Rollins called out on strikes. Who stole your mojo J-Roll?

8:00: Juan Pierre pumps one to center for a base hit. Joe Torre is pleased.

8:03: Pierre gets caught stealing with Lowe up to bat on a poorly-executed hit and run.

8:05: Lowe pops one up to short center and Jimmy drops the ball. DROPS THE BALL. In a big way.

8:07: Victorino is getting all the action with Furcal hitting a nice, soft fly ball in his general direction to end the inning. PHI 2, LAD 1

8:09: When Jayson Werth shaves that squirrel off his chin, I will stop calling him the guy that hits before Chase Utley.

8:10: Werth grounds out, Utley at the plate and seeing all kinds of cheese from Lowe, who needs to put that dimple away.

8:13: And he singles to right before Howard lines out to Pierre.

8:15: Derek Jeter's labia.

8:16: Pat Burrell grounded out, zigging when he should have been zagging or whatever. It's almost time for another shot, buddies!

8:18: Blanton starts off the bottom of the third with an Andre Ethier groundout. Surprise! That guy has all kinds of tricks up his sleeve.

8:20: Manny walks again. It's an easy task that he can't really get confused by... although, anything is possible.

hitlerparrot.jpg8:21: PBRMEASAP.

8:22: CTC has informed me via super secret text message that Chase Utley had a parrot named Hitler.

9:04: The hampster that runs WoW's server just poo'ed on me. But we're back! And we missed some action: Manny doubled in a run in the bottom of the fifth with no one out before Martin drove Ethier home on a groundout. PHI 2, LAD 3

9:07: Clayton Kershaw takes the hill for the sixth since Lowe couldn't hang around long enough to pump out a quality start.

9:11: Kershaw walks Howard before The Bat singles to left. Contrary to popular belief, Burrell totally has a lazy eye.

9:13: Victorino moves the runners on a sac bunt and Kershaw is immediately replaced by Chan Ho Park.

9:14: Pedro Feliz flies out and it's up to Ruiz to tie it up so I can pour another shot of Irish whiskey into my mouth.

krusty.jpg9:18: Cue circus music, Howard scores on a wild pitch to tie it up at 3 a piece.

9:20: Park can't seem to control his slider and walks Ruiz. That's enough to replace the lefty with Joe Biemel, who pretty much high-fived Troy from West Virginia before Game 2.

9:23: But wait! Charlie Manuel has his own replacing to do. So Taguchi pinch hits for Geoff Jenkins, who could've just flied out all on his own. Let's head to the bottom of the sixth party people.

9:26: Chad Durbin takes the mound and what's the first thing he does? Serves up a nice warm dinner roll for Casey Fricking Blake, who is being begged for a curtain call. PHI 3, LAD 4

9:30: Juan Pierre runs like the wind on a double to left with nobody out and Torre sends Matt Kemp in to do the dirty work.

9:33: Polka?

9:34: Kemp really, really wanted to bunt, but he didn't get much of a shot at it what with a four-pitch walk and everything. Good eye, buddy!

9:35: Musical pitchers.

9:36: The Phillies are a mess right now. On that note, I'd like to make a toast that my Uncle Steve busts out at every family function: "Here's to hard drinks and loose women!" Cheers!

9:40: Baseballs are being thrown to no one in particular and Dodgers are crossing home plate. Everyone's safe! Runners on second and third with Scott Eyre on the hill facing Ethier. PHI 3, LAD 5

9:43: Mmmmmm. Error sauce.

9:45: Ethier lines out and Philly once again puts Manny on board among boos and cursing.

9:46: Ryan Madsen has replaced Eyre, coming into a bases loaded situation.

chutandpup.jpg9:48: God damn it. Chase Utley is so awesome! He snares a Russell Martin liner and turns it into an unassisted double play to get Furcal at second and end the sixth. PHI 3, LAD 5

9:53: New pitcher for the top of the seventh: Hong-Chih Kuo. The guy has had 2 Tommy John surgeries before the age of 27. His arm is so falling off tonight.

9:56: Rollins avoids first base by grounding out before Squirrelface goes down swinging. Will Chutley be fooled by Kuo's curveball as well?

9:58: Yes, let's move on to the bottom of the seventh.

10:02: After nearly being drilled in the piehole (which would have been positively bitchin') James Loney strikes out.

10:05: Madsen walks DeWitt and gives up a base hit to Casey Fricking Blake. Two on, one out, Kuo at the plate.

10:07: So he bunts the runners over and hands Matt Kemp an RBI situation.

10:08: But Kemp lines out to Victorino to end the seventh. What's a girl gotta do to see someone get beaned tonight? PHI 3, LAD 5

10:10: Howard will get a shot at redemption here after totally blowing it defensively.

10:12: And he singles to center with Burrell on deck. Kuo makes his exit and is replaced with Cory Wade.

*smoke break bitches*

10:16: Did Joe Buck just jinx The Bat? What a dick.

10:18: Holy crap. Does Victorino always looks like he's ready to kill someone after he hits a bomb? It's all knotted up again, PHI 5, LAD 5

10:20: Feliz lines out and Ruiz singles to become the possible go ahead run with Matt Stairs at the plate.

10:21: Wade has been asked to leave so Jonathan Broxton can clean up the mess he made.

10:23: Stairs goes deep on a fastball and takes Broxton straight to school. PHI 7, LAD 5 10:25: The pitching stinks tonight: Broxton throws absolute junk at Rollins, who walks to make way for Squirrelface.

10:29: Rollins stole second like Farthammer stole my heart. Piece of cake.

10:31: Broxton has the glare down pat, getting Squirrelface to whiff and retire the Phils.

10:37: J.C. Romero replaces Madsen and wastes no time, walking Furcal.

10:39: Ethier erases any hope of a tie game by grounding into yet another DP, which means it's Lidge time.

10:42: Manny Ramirez -- new king of playoff extra base hits -- doubles up the middle with Martin on deck, ready to play hero.

10:47: Not only did we get to see a strikeout, but also a wild pitch and now runners on the corners for Loney, the possbile go-ahead run.

10:50: False alarm.

pbr.jpg*b-double-e-double-r-u-n*

10:54: While quenching my uncontrollable thirst for icy-cold PBR, I missed Chutley's single to right. Sigh.

10:57: Howard grounds into a forceout, which may be more embarrassing than that poem commercial.

10:59: Shane Dodger Killer Victorino gets royally screwed out of an at bat after Howard is busted stealing second on a pitch-out. Weak error sauce.

11:02: Ok homies, it's the bottom of the ninth and I'm already missing you.

11:04: Nomah (tick) Garcia (tick) parra leads off the (twitch) inning with a (tick) fly to center, caught and taken down for out number one.

11:05: Casey Fricking Blake strikes out on three pitches and it's up to Jeff Kent -- mortal enemy of one Barry Bonds.

11:06: Penny Marshall whispers sweet nothings into Matt Kemp's ear as Kent lines out to end the game. The Phillies are now just one victory away from the World Series. Holy crap.

Thanks for sticking around! Let's have one more shot in honor of the hard-working little WoW hampster.

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33 Comments

COMMENTS ARE BACK

Blanton has all kinds of cured meats up his sleeve.

Blanton has all kinds of cured meats up his sleeve.

country

I just wanna say good luck, we're all counting on you.

that Manny feller is good at baseball

I picked a bad day to quit sniffing glue.

The still-living member of Milli Vanilli is behind homeplate.

the girls are gettin sick
off huffing glue up in the bathroom

Biemel to pitch!
I think I heard faint sounds of an orgasm coming from somehwere east of me....

FUCK THE INTERNET

If one of the presidential candidates ran on a platform whose only promise was a public hanging of Frank Caliendo, I would donate the $5000 max.

Sorry I broke our internet.

Subway will be naming their next sandwich the Ryan Howard Oopsie. Its got bacon, salami, pepperoni, and error sauce.

Error Sauce, brought to you by the makers of Brawndo!

Anyone holding ritalin?

McCarver informs us that Utley's play was not routine. I was on the fence, thanks Timmy.

The Phillies just fielded that bunt and 86'ed the error sauce.

That Torre family medical history brought to you by WedMD.

Broxton is ineffectively ineffective. It happens.

The Matt Stairs: Bulldog poster is coming out tonight.

I didn't know squirrels could be so downright disagreeable to the eye.

Me, earlier tonight: I don't believe what I just saw.

Me, now: God dammit don't blow this Phillies I hate you SO SO SO SO much.

MATT STAIRS IS FROM CANADA SO I AM SUPPOSED TO BE EXCITED

No joke, Matt Stairs is awesome

Matt Stairs is from New Brunswick and he CRUSHED that pitch.

ah yes 2 pack lidge as my philly friends say. We call him this because of the amount of cigs he forces us smoke to get through the 9th.

Thanks S-double-oh-z.I'm glad it all worked out in the end. Except for the Dodgers.

Matt Stairs is still my favorite A ever. Thanks for the effort, Sooze.

You guys are the breast.

Sorry I didn't read your liveblog much, but I was busy monitoring my blood pressure after the fifth inning to make sure my heart didn't explode.

Now doing a Ctrl+F on this post for 'breast.'

Poor Troy.

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