8:45: This seems like a good place to start. Ry Ho chops back to the mound with runners on the corners, Sonnanstine goes to third but Rollins slides back into third safe. Thanks to an uncomfortable closeup of Longoria's glive going into Rollins' anus, we see that it was a missed call.
8:48: Sonnanstine walks in a run. 1-0 Phillies. Sorry I was late. Public transportation is slow, y'all! Chop back to the mound from Victorino. Force out at home. Two down.
8:51: Pedro Feliz flies out to center. All those runners and no damn hits from the Phils. That will undoubtedly come back to haunt them. In the butt. Like Evan Longoria's glove.
8:55: Joe Blanton has definitely had his cakies today. Strikes out Longoria and Crawford to give him 3 on the inning. Since I wasn't here for the first one I'm going to pretend that it was a 3 pitch K of Kevin Stocker.
8:58: Dioner Navarro singles to right, but Ben Zobrist flies out to center. Apparently Fox trusts Victorino enough to have him miked live. He screams "Igotitigotit" like a little leaguer. I wanted swears.
9:02: Babyface Blanton steps up to the plate. Sonnanstine K's him. I SPY KEN ROSENTHAL. I wish he came up from underground on a rising pedestal for each of his segments. Staring down at his microphone before his name is called.
9:07: After a Rollins single, Jayson Werth flies out to center. I didn't even have time to buy salsa for tonight's game. My girlfriend, my teachers, my parents and my parole officer are all correct. I'm a poor time manager.
9:08: "Can you believe we still call these phones with all they can do? What about Jesuspods? Or Tikifrikitacotikis? I mean, I just took a picture down some girl's shirt on the subway with this thing. Score! Come visit us at Sprint.com"
9:10: Another K for Blanton. Maybe this'll be a quick one? That would be a first in my glogging career.
9:12: Sonnanstine HELPS HIS OWN CAUSE. Yes, that's right he donated $25 to the Get Andy Sonnanstine A Bitchin' New Mustang Fund. Not really. He singled.
9:12: Aki chops to SS. Bossman grounds out to the same spot.
9:19: The ball hits off Aki's paw paw for an error. I'm not really seeing the bad hop that Joe is seeing. I'm mostly seeing Aki not approaching the ball correctly. Howard converts with a single and Chutley motors all the way to third.
9:22 With the exception of the Howard at bat, the Phillies continue getting themselves in hitter's counts and not converting. It's one thing to be 0 for whatever with RISP. It's another thing to do it repeatedly on 3-0 and 3-1. Someone throw some cold water on these dopes.
9:25: Victorino flies out. According to Tim he has a weak top hand. He needs this:
9:26: Feliz finally knocks a Sonnanstine pitch for an RBI. 2-0 Phils.
9:30: Ruiz hits an infield single up the middle, but Country Joe flies out in fould ground to Pena. That'll end what should have been a far more eventful inning.
9:31: Hey, it's the pool scene from Vacation! That's how I became the maestro of the VCR pause button.
9:32: Anyone out there wanna make me a Mean Gene O Mania shirt?
9:35: Blanton rings up his 7th K of the night. He's almost on pace to break Stan Laurel's postseason strikeout record of 59! Longoria grounds out.
9:37: Mr. Ray, Carl Crawford goes Funny Bone. 2-1 Phils. That guy can turn on an inside pitch faster than just about anyone I've seen. Navarro grounds out.
9:41: ANOTHER ONE goes off Aki's paw paw. Tsk Tsk. Another lead off runner for the Phils to strand.
9:45: Sonnanstine walks Werth. He's thrown quite a few pitches already and Jim Hickey will visit the mound and stand there looking like a hardboiled detective disguised as a pitching coach.
9:48: Chutley strikes out and Sonnanstine is giving me Dice-K flashbacks.
9:50: Ryan Howard:
9:52: Burrell and Victorino fly out to end the inning, but that there's a 4 run lead. How you feeling Philly fans?
9:57: Zobrist flies out to Victo.... IGOTITIGOTITIGOTITIGOTIT. Jason Bartlett grounds it off of Blanton's Keds but Feliz makes a nice play on the deflection.
9:58: Eric Hinske! In his first at bat since the ALDS:
9:59: Aki grounds out to the pitcher.
10:02 Someone made an out whilst I was peeing. And now there's an argument with the umps. I think they're probably talking about how catchy "Ding-a-Dong" is. Edwin Jackson is now pitching, Lloyd hates him for some reason. I think he's decent. He gets Ruiz to ground out.
10:06. Yeah I take that back. Blanton just hit one out.
10:11: Upton files out. You know usually, I think waving a towel at a sporting event is lame, but it makes sense in Philly. The things are probably covered in bacon grease.
10:!5: Evan Longoria looks like he's flailing around up there. Which is good because he really bugs me. This also means he'll probably hit a home run because I said that.
10:18: He doesn't. He strikes out. Blanton hits Crawford on the top of one of his feet and there's two on for The Fat Catcher. He needs this:
10:21: Blanton gets Navarro swinging. That's 7 Ks on the night, and he's turning in a performance every bit as impressive as Whole Camels' start in game one.
10:25: Jason Werth knocks a double to left center, to begin yet another inning with a baserunner. That's 11 Philly baserunners if you're counting.
10:28: I just listened to "Ding-A-Dong" again.
10:29: Home Plate umpire Tom Hallion with the EMPHATIC strikeout call on Chutley. He's lucky he didn't pull something on that one. Like his taint muscle.
10:33: Burrell grounds into a dubious double play after Bartlett has trouble getting it out of his glove to start the play. End o' inning.
10:34: More "hardworking" Americans prefer the taste of Dunkin Donuts coffee over Starbucks. Are we to assume the slothful, the lazy and the unambitious like Starbucks better then? I guess so. I just surveyed myself and I prefer Starbucks.
10:39 Blanton walks Zobrist and is out of the game. The definition of Zobrist is "someone that plays the Zober." Chad Durbin is in for the Phillies. Haven't we been over this "putting guys named Chad in big situations" thing?
10:41: He gets Bartlett to fly out, but Aybar singles to right. 2 on, 1 out.
10:44: Manuel makes the right move, removing Chad from the game. Lefty Scott Eyre is in to face Aki Paw Paw.
10:47: Aki flies out to Eric Bruntlett who makes an awkward basket catch. That'll be it for Eyre. Ryan Madson who has been frickin' awesome in the postseason will come in to face BJ Upton. Most exciting matchup of the series so far. Coming right up.
10:52: Strike out. Blamalama! Seventh inning stretch. I need music!
Philly's own, Jedi Mind Tricks
10:57: Dan "Stealers" Wheeler didn't get Stuck In The Bullpen In The Middle Of The 7th With You and comes in to get Victorino to fly to left. I hate myself.
10:59: Evan Longoria acts like a bumbling dope on a play to third. Feliz is on first. Carlos Ruiz comes up and is hitting an absurd .455 in this series.
11:01: Aki makes a stellar play at second, snaring a liner and whirling to first to double of Feliz. Paw Paw is so proud.
11:05: Does Fox think they're helping with this picture in picture replay magnifier thing? It's clunky and it obscures the replay. It looks like a feature on a Super Nintendo game. Do not want.
11:06: Madson strikes out Pena. Boy has he pitched his way into a reputation this October. THERES IS ONLY /ONE
11:08: Madson strikes out Longoria. 3 up, all down on Ks. THERES INS ONLY ONE OCTOBERWS.
11:10: Crawford grounds out. The end is drawing niiiiiiigh.
11:14: Tim McCarver calls Matt Stairs (who is definitely going to strike out here) refreshing. He's correct, Matt Stairs is spearmint flavored. Yup he strikes out.
11:15: Jimmy Rollins double. Oh vaunted Tampa bullpen, must I unvaunt you?
11:20: Jayson Werth is hungry.
11:23: Trevor Miller in for the Rays. Dan Wheeler looks sad. Apparently we're supposed to be mad at Jayson Werth for pointing? OH IT'S JUST FRIVOLITY, NVM.
11:25: Holy Crap Ryan Howard.
10:29: So this one's pretty much out of reach. I'm going to stay up for the end just in case something happens, though. Also I'm going to stay up because there's no way I can sleep after this freaky video game commerical. What the shit is this? Resistance 2, eh? You frighten me, youth of America. Joe Buck's suit is ugly.
11:32: The inning starts with an error from Jesus Christ Romero. Wrap it up fellas.
11:34: "Ken Rosenthal is still with us." PULL THE PLUG.
11:34: Ground out to second by some guy.
11:35: Bartlett strikes out swinging. 2 down. The towels are swinging like crazy. Philly fans can smell it! Oh, wait that's just New Jersey.
11:39: Romero strikes out Rocco. BALLGAME. Phillies win 10-2. The story of the night boils down to great pitching and lots of Ks from the Phillies pitchers. Lots of bombs from Phillies hitters. They do not need this:
Thanks for joining me, kids. See ya later.
PHILLIES UP 3-1